Moana (2026)

Welp, here we go again. Just 10 short years ago, the original Moana became a modern Disney classic. It earned a sequel which was equally beautiful, though less warmly received. Now they've decided to cash in on the original yet again with a nearly shot-for-shot recreation. The best you can say about many of these live-action remakes is that they're mostly the same, only worse. Luckily, the original remains in such high regard, that even a knockoff isn't enough to dampen its spirits. The practical locations are magical; it's the overabundance of CGI that bogs it down. Newcomer Catherine Laga'aia is cast perfectly as the seabound Moana, while The Rock reprises his role as the demigod Maui whilst rocking a full head of hair. It's far from terrible, it's just like, what's the point? To squeeze more milk from the mouse's teat. Still, I enjoyed it. It made me feel like a kid again, even though I was well into my 30s when I saw the first one.

3 Kakamora out of 5

The Smashing Machine (2025)

Dwayne Johnson is unrecognizable as Mark Kerr, a wrestler and MMA fighter who battles addiction, sobriety and a volatile relationship while trying to advance his career. We've seen these kinds of biopics countless times, but there is an earnestness to the performances and simplicity to the proceedings which makes it stand out from your garden variety star vehicles. It might not win any awards, but it's a brilliant showcase for this kind of raw intensity and proves that The Rock is made of tougher stuff. Based on a 2002 documentary, The Smashing Machine: The Life and Times of Extreme Fighter Mark Kerr.

3 stitches out of 5

Red One (2024)

This movie is a fucking nightmare. Santa Claus (J.K. Simmons) is a bodybuilder who works at a technologically advanced North Pole facility alongside his E.L.F. (Enforcement, Logistics and Fortification) bodyguard played by The Rock. A black ops team breaks into the facility and kidnaps Red, so they're forced to contact a cynical hacker (Chris Evans) to help track him down. At least I think that's what's happening here. The whole thing turns into a CGI fever dream in a hurry, with creepy uncanny valley effects that will probably traumatize children, and mythological creatures that feel like rejects from Nightbreed. The whole thing is just completely soulless and depressing, and doesn't even manage to manufacture those fake holiday feelings within me. It feels so corporate and hollow and goes on for so long, I could barely keep my eyes open. To be honest, I'm not even sure kids will get a kick out of this one.

One Krampus bitch slap out of 5

Moana 2 (2024)

Disney is at its best when it transports you to another world. A world you would much rather be. The ocean calls out to Moana once more to set sail on another adventure and follow her destiny as a wayfinder. The plot may be thin, but ye gods, it's a marvelous feast for the eyes. Moana is such a likeable character and Auliʻi Cravalho is endlessly charming in her performance. This isn't a better movie than Moana by any measure, and the songs here aren't quite as strong or memorable as Lin's contributions to the original, but as a breathtaking visual spectacle full of magic and wonder, it's second to none.

3 Chee-Hoos out of 5

THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS [2017]

Director F. Gary Gray's The Fate of the Furious, the eighth film in the F&F franchise, shows no sign of the series wrapping up.
This time around Diesel's Dom has turned to the dark side forcing The Rock & The Stath to put their differences aside and work together to bring him down, while evading the walls of a prison, an army of cars and a nuclear submarine.
The film doesn't resemble anything that original films set out to do but that's alright because it's so god-damned fun.  There's plenty of laughs, both intentional and unintentional, jammed in-between the carnage-fueled action sequences.  Surpassing Jurassic Park and even Star Wars at the box office means there's no end in sight for the series but that's all right because the film's stars still seem to be having just as much as it's long-time fans are.

3½ hakas out of 5

MOANA [2016]

Inspired by a collection of Polynesian legends, Disney's Moana is another strong addition to the studios ever-growing library of animated films.
After her tribe is threatened by an ancient curse the soon-to-be chief sets out to sea to find a legendary demigod that can help her set things right.
With it's lively voice-acting and beautiful animation Moana is easy to enjoy even when it does a drag a bit here and there.  Flight of the Conchord fans will love Jemaine Clement's sequence, however it's Dwayne Johnson's demigod character that chews up each scene he's in.  I was afraid The Rock couldn't do voice-acting or musicals but he miraculously pulls it off with flying colors.  To add to all the fun is the rousing music from composer Mark Mancina, Hamilton writer Lin-Manuel Miranda and New Zealand's oceanic music act Te Vaka.  Anchored by some well-doing themes and messages Moana is Disney's second big animated winner of 2016.

4 stowaway roosters out of 5

CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE [2016]

Director Rawson Marshall Thurber's action/comedy Central Intelligence should win points for it's "Little Hart/Big Johnson" tagline alone.
Kevin Hart & Dwayne Johnson are reunited before their 20 year high school reunion only to find they couldn't anymore different than what they were during their glory days.  And like all good high school reunions there's guns, exploding cars and plenty of hilarious espionage.
The two leads have a wonderful chemistry that gives the film a big ol' warm heart that the script so badly needs.  Without Hart & Johnson it wouldn't be nearly as entertaining as it is.  There's plenty of laughs to be had but it's mostly the goofy performances and ad-libs rather than the ridiculously unbelievable script.  

3 black Will Smiths out of 5

Welcome to the Jungle (2003)

aka The Rundown

A run-of-the-mill action movie with nauseating fight scenes and a buddy dynamic in need of a lethal injection. The Rock (when he was still called The Rock) is a 'retrieval expert' who goes to the Amazon jungle to manhandle someone who doesn't want to be retrieved.
I'm aware that he was basically doing what he did as Mathayus in The Scorpion King (2002), albeit in a more modern setting, but SK had heart and a sense of fun that wasn't forced. Welcome... has little of either of those things.

1½ hostile monkeys out of 5

SAN ANDREAS [2015]

Republic of Doyle Newfie director Brad Peyton has a grand ol' time bringing California to it's knees in the special effects summer bonanza San Andreas.
The Rock plays a father that embarks on a terrifying journey across the said state in order to rescue his daughter.  By now, you know what your getting yourself into when walking into a film like this.  Bad dialogue, paper-thin characters, questionable actions with even more questionable consequences and a helluva lot of noise.  If you're ready for all that then you'll find some mind-numbing enjoyment out of this one, especially with Dwayne Johnson on board.  With summer officially starting this week I can safely guarantee you most of the film reviews following this one will say basically the same thing.

3 tsunamis out of 5

FURIOUS 7 [2015]

Horror movie director James Wan makes his first step into jaw-dropping actions films with the latest instalment of The Fast & The Furious franchise,  the tritely-titled Furious 7.
Dom, O'Connor & the rest of the family are back for, yet again, one last job, this time hilariously saving the world from Owen Shaw's nastier older brother.  Like it's predecessors, it lacks in brains, depth or a whole lot of thought-provoking substance but excels in ridiculous, but cheer-worthy action sequences, a sincere heart and an entertaining multicultural cast.  With Paul Walker's death looming over the film, it doesn't let up on the fun as the absurd action kicks into high-gear within seconds of the opening titles.  It's a surprisingly tasteful way to bid farewell to Walker's character, but, as of writing this, the film has passed the $1 billion mark at the box office which guarantees future rides from Diesel and the gang.

3½ Tokyo drifts out of 5

HERCULES [2014]

If the idea of Brett Ratner directing The Rock with a dead cat on his head appeals to you then Hercules is definitely for you.  If not, then you should know to steer clear because it makes no attempt to hide that is means to be nothing more than a guilty pleasure.
Instead of shaping him up to be the near-invincible super human that he is in the usual stories, Hercules is a mere mortal with the powerful charisma to lead armies and charm the pants off you.  Dwayne Johnson was born to play this role with his camera-friendly looks and personality, as he never takes himself too seriously.  Like Stephen Sommers' Mummy films, the pacing of this consciously hokey film is lighting quick with it's enjoyable action sequences, dazzling special effects, entertaining supporting cast and perfectly timed humor.

3 headed dogs out of 5

G.I. Joe: Retaliation: Extended Action Cut (2013)

The G.I Jokes return for a sequel that feels more like a reboot considering that hardly anyone bothered to come back from the first movie. The result is a bigger adventure with a smaller team at its core.
The Rock takes over as the main Joe; his sweaty head dominates every scene he’s in. (Does he have someone spray it for effect or is it naturally sweaty?) The remainder of the two hour running time is split between buddy comedy, action scenes with approx 60 cuts per second and night-time shootouts so the bullets can leave tracers that look dramatic.

2 thankless jobs out of 5

PAIN & GAIN [2013]

The violent biographical crime comedy Pain & Gain is director Michael Bay's attempt at a thoughtful character study.
Oddly enough it is Bay's most pensive film to date but that's not saying much considering it's buried in hokey TV ad type framing, badly timed childish humour and pathetically over-played patriotism.  Bay never seems to understand his own subject material and his stupidity & ignorance become more transparent with each film he makes.  This one is no exception.  It's a shame he was given the chance to make this film because underneath all the tasteless shit is quite an interesting and outrageous true story.

2 human bbq's out of 5

Doom (2005)

Doom delivered pretty much what I’d expected it would; it’s a movie based on a First Person Shooter, it was never going to be high art.
It threw in a few welcome surprises to stop it being just marines in dark tunnels shooting at uglies. It had The Rock delivering some fun but corny lines that paid homage to its origins, and in one stand out scene it turned those origins into something daring that was as laughable as it was awesome. Also, to its credit, the creatures weren't all CGI.
I guess saying it’s better than the Resident Evil films isn't much of a recommendation, but it's the best one I've got.

2½ killcams out of 5

SNITCH [2013]

Ric Roman Waugh, director of Felon, lets Dwayne Johnson carry the tense crime drama Snitch on his shoulders and he does so in a very convincing performance.
I honestly went into this film expecting brainless, excessively violent fun but instead got a pleasant surprise with something dark, broody and emotionally high-strung with very minimal violence.  Not only is Johnson great but he's joined by a strong supporting cast that knows their place and plays it well.  The only real drawback is the generic purpose of the film seems to get lost around the halfway mark and we're suddenly reminded at the very end why all this went down in the first place.

3 special deliveries out of 5

FAST & FURIOUS 6 [2013]

Director Justin Lin's 6th and final film in The Fast & The Furious franchise takes the family out of the exotic locations of before and lands them in the gritty land of England and tea & scones.
Sure, it's short on brains, character development and much of a storyline but that's not really what fans are here for.  It delivers by the meat-headed truckloads with vehicular carnage, bloody hand-to-hand combat, silly but good natured humor, insanely choreographed action sequences that go way over the top and...well...a tank.
With Lin stepping down and Insidious director James Wan stepping in for the next film, I can't wait, seeing as the post credits scene made me wet my pants with fanboy anticipation.

3 F&F family doppelgangers out of 5

FASTER [2010]

After a long string of bad kiddy films, Dwayne Johnson returns to fine form in 2010's stylish revenge flick Faster.

The Rock looks great seething with hatred and anger as he mows down the bad guys in whatever way seems fit.  Unfortunately the film gives away it's mystery 30 minutes in and becomes predictable for far too long.  The dialogue could have used a little more flash and perhaps setting the film in a different era might have helped the attitude a lot more.  Don't expect any surprises but if you know what you're expecting it's a guaranteed good time.

3 bad days at the office out of 5

The Scorpion King (2002)

The Rock's first real acting job is a sword and sorcery action adventure. It’s a prequel story to his piss-poor cameo in The Mummy Returns (2001) and the role is perfect for him, playing to his strengths and his charms. He gets to do everything he did in the WWE: throw people about, look manly, seduce the ladies without even trying and give us that raised eyebrow that makes him look smug and endearing. Kelly Hu saves the costume dept some cash by being half-naked most of the time. Mercifully, the irritating comic relief sidekick can be easily ignored the majority of the time.

3 cheers for the Dwayne out of 5

Be Cool (2005)

A sequel to Get Shorty (1995).
Uma outside of a Tarantino film is nearly always going to fail. This does.
Even The Rock and his eyebrow can't save it.

1 cameo too far out of 5

The Mummy Returns (2001)

The addition of an irritating eight-year-old kid makes the sequel less fun, which seems ironic considering my justifications for loving the first one. I may have enjoyed it more if I was his age? No. He’s just irritating. The story is similar to the first one, except for when it's all over the place. It feels like a series of set pieces stitched together with thin plot thread that could break at any time. The returning cast members do their best to keep it fun and interesting. The Rock makes a very small cameo.

2½ retreads in shifting sands out of 5