Red One (2024)

This movie is a fucking nightmare. Santa Claus (J.K. Simmons) is a bodybuilder who works at a technologically advanced North Pole facility alongside his E.L.F. (Enforcement, Logistics and Fortification) bodyguard played by The Rock. A black ops team breaks into the facility and kidnaps Red, so they're forced to contact a cynical hacker (Chris Evans) to help track him down. At least I think that's what's happening here. The whole thing turns into a CGI fever dream in a hurry, with creepy uncanny valley effects that will probably traumatize children, and mythological creatures that feel like rejects from Nightbreed. The whole thing is just completely soulless and depressing, and doesn't even manage to manufacture those fake holiday feelings within me. It feels so corporate and hollow and goes on for so long, I could barely keep my eyes open. To be honest, I'm not even sure kids will get a kick out of this one.

One Krampus bitch slap out of 5

Sex Tape (2014)

Director Jake Kasdan reunites with cast from Bad Teacher in this wacky lowbrow comedy written by Jason Segel. In an attempt to spice up their sex life, a reluctantly ordinary couple film a homegrown porn but end up accidentally sending it to all their friends, family and co-workers via the cloud. The all-too-modern subject matter is fitting in this age of apps and iPads but it still comes off somewhat dated. I would hate to watch this film two years from now. Supporting performances from Rob Corddry, Rob Lowe and Jack Black add some memorable, offbeat scenes but most of the comedy delivered between the principal actors falls flat.

1½ Schlomits out of 5

Bad Teacher (2011)

Trying desperately to follow in the footsteps of Terry Zwigoff's Bad Santa (2003), this piece of shit fails in every possible capacity (in particular, HUMOR). Gold digger scumbag WHORE Cameron Diaz doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself until she meets nerdy Justin Timberlake and decides to raise money to purchase fake tits in order to impress him. The stupidity of this premise is staggering. She curses, smokes pot, cheats, steals, doesn't teach her students a dime's worth of knowledge, learns nothing, and yet somehow at the end of the day, she's hailed as the protagonist of this movie. Fuck off.

0 Worst Movie Of The Year out of 5