Home Sweet Home Alone (2021)

I'm not one for unnecessary hyperbole, but this might be the worst piece of shit movie I've ever seen in my piece of shit life. This type of plot makes no sense in 2021, where the world is more connected by technology than ever, and a 10-year-old rich kid left home alone hardly feels like cause for alarm, especially considering he's never in any real danger. And there's no way a spoiled brat like that has the old-school know-how to booby trap a house. I found the overuse of slow-mo to depict physical comedy to be grating and insulting to my intelligence. All of the choices in this film are so contrived and insipid, like they took the original film and stripped it of every beat of heart and humor until it is barely recognizable (it does not deserve the grace of "Somewhere in My Memory"). And who thought the one character we needed reprising from the original was Buzz?

This whole movie feels like a pointless cash-in of a franchise that has been in the trash since 1997, so I guess it's no big loss. Kids movies these days suck. Disney+ ruins another beloved holiday classic, and the whole production has the tacky quality of a made-for-TV movie. I feel so bad for the children who will grow up on this garbage. It's like they're training kids these days to become as dumb, boring and shallow as this film.

0 "ugly boy" dolls out of 5

THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE [2017]

Robot Chicken director Chris McKay delivers the animated fun in spades with his LEGO Movie spin-off, The LEGO Batman Movie.
After accidentally adopting an overly eager orphan named Dick, Batsy must defeat The Joker and his usual band of lawless cronies from overthrowing Gotham City.
It's a very busy film that attacks the senses a bit but thankfully it's pretty damned funny with plenty of moments and gags that will please long-time fans of The Caped Crusader.  It references all sorts of cinematic forms of Batsy, including Adam West, Bruce Timm's animated series, Batfleck and yes, even the one with the nipples.   There's so much going on I'm willing to bet even a third or fourth viewing won't reveal all the jokes and sight gags to the exhausted viewer.  It's clearly the work of greedy Hollywood executives but it's enough batshit crazy fun to let it slide.

3½ family portraits out of 5

THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS [2016]

Director Chris Renaud supplies the laughs and heart by the truckloads with the CGI animated comedy The Secret Life of Pets.
Two dogs (one big & one little) end up getting themselves lost in New York City which leads them into all sorts of trouble and adventures all in the span of a single day.
Like most Illumination Entertainment & Dreamworks animated films, it doesn't quite hold the same sort of depth or story subtleties of Pixar's output but it still manages to pack in the jokes, sometimes even better than the reigning CGI animation company.  It doesn't really ask a whole lot of the viewer other than to sit back and enjoy the ride, which is really easy to do considering the lovable characters we get to follow around for the jam-packed 90 minute running time.

3½ sewer-bunnies out of 5

Sex Tape (2014)

Director Jake Kasdan reunites with cast from Bad Teacher in this wacky lowbrow comedy written by Jason Segel. In an attempt to spice up their sex life, a reluctantly ordinary couple film a homegrown porn but end up accidentally sending it to all their friends, family and co-workers via the cloud. The all-too-modern subject matter is fitting in this age of apps and iPads but it still comes off somewhat dated. I would hate to watch this film two years from now. Supporting performances from Rob Corddry, Rob Lowe and Jack Black add some memorable, offbeat scenes but most of the comedy delivered between the principal actors falls flat.

1½ Schlomits out of 5

21 JUMP STREET [2012]

Clone High creators Phil Lord & Chris Miller bring the 80's TV melodrama 21 Jump Street to the big screen and warp it into a raunchy comedy starring Jonah Hill & Channing Tatum. 

The film manages to satire both the original TV series and '80's nostalgia, while packing in a Lethal Weapon-esque punch.  Hill & Tatum are surprisingly quite good but something doesn't quite sit right as a whole.   The laughs are a little short for extended periods of time and some of the more interesting & potentially comedic character conflicts are never fully developed.  

It's not as bad as it sounds on paper but never reaches the heights it could have.  

2½ Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus lookin' motherfuckers out of 5

Bridesmaids (2011)

What a stupid fuckin' movie.

Billed as the female version of "The Hangover," it failed to deliver even on a raunchy level. There is only one scene I even laughed at, and that involved diarrhea and vomit. There was also a great meltdown scene at a bridal shower, which I had never seen before. Other than that, it's your usual mainstream Hollywood crowd pleaser, filled with forced laughs and dumb broads (stand-outs here are Kristin Wiig as the hopeless maid of dishonor, and Melissa McCarthy as the Chris Farley character).

The headlines in the poster above lie.

1.5 despicable chick flicks out of 5