Moana (2026)

Welp, here we go again. Just 10 short years ago, the original Moana became a modern Disney classic. It earned a sequel which was equally beautiful, though less warmly received. Now they've decided to cash in on the original yet again with a nearly shot-for-shot recreation. The best you can say about many of these live-action remakes is that they're mostly the same, only worse. Luckily, the original remains in such high regard, that even a knockoff isn't enough to dampen its spirits. The practical locations are magical; it's the overabundance of CGI that bogs it down. Newcomer Catherine Laga'aia is cast perfectly as the seabound Moana, while The Rock reprises his role as the demigod Maui whilst rocking a full head of hair. It's far from terrible, it's just like, what's the point? To squeeze more milk from the mouse's teat. Still, I enjoyed it. It made me feel like a kid again, even though I was well into my 30s when I saw the first one.

3 Kakamora out of 5

Avatar: Fire and Ash (2025)

Avatar has a new skin. While the first two films introduced us to the forest and the sea clans, we now have the ash clan. All that's missing is the air element...

James Cameron does it again. By creating a rich, fully inhabited world that you would rather live in, you forgive all the flaws in this epic sprawling picture, filled with warring clans and transparent allusions to racism. Visually, it's a 10/10 movie; like your desktop wallpaper come to life. Cameron has masterful command over the material and takes us to dazzling, staggering heights filled with beauty, wonder and imagination. Individual moments shine, but most of it feels like CGI on overdrive with things exploding in the background, which overshadows the drama and emotional stakes. The new villain Varang (Oona Chaplin) oozes with sensuality, while the most interesting character remains the teenage Kiri (Sigourney Weaver), but there are too many storylines and the whole thing loses focus quickly. The fundamental flaw of these movies is that they're way too fucking long. And it's starting to feel repetitive at this point. I enjoyed it, but I also breathed a sigh of relief when it was finally over.

3½ breathing devices out of 5

Note: Luckily, this film does feature a conclusive enough ending if Cameron chooses not to continue with his planned sequels. We'll see what happens.

M3GAN 2.0 (2025)

Hold onto your vaginas...

M3GAN gets an upgrade and is pitted against AMELIA (Autonomous Military Engagement Logistics & Infiltration Android), a secret government weapon that was built based on M3GAN's stolen code. This film also gets an upgrade, from a smaller sci-fi horror flick to a full scale action epic, in a turn similar to Terminator 2. And the movie suffers for it. There is a lot of exposition to get through and not enough of the fun of M3GAN herself. There are one too many ideas and characters introduced, until it eventually loses the plot completely.

So what's next for this series? Besides an inevitable 3.0, there's an upcoming spin-off entitled SOULM8TE, about a man who buys a companion doll, which is a subject close to my heart. (Let's hope she looks like Ivanna Sakhno, too.)

2½ neural implants out of 5

A Minecraft Movie (2025)

I'm too fucking old to have ever played Minecraft, and now the kids who have grown up with it have already gotten their own movie. That just makes me feel sad, on so many levels. As such, I'm coming into it blind, knowing nothing about this (Over)world. Jack Black (as Steve) capably carries the over-the-top hysterics, while Jason Momoa leans into his asshole persona. It reminded me of Jumanji at times; kind of dumb and fun in equal measure. Judging by the audience reaction around me, it seemed to go over well, but unfortunately, most of the references and in-jokes went over my head. It felt to me like a paper thin premise stretched over a feature film length. Fans of the game appear to be satisfied, but for everyone else, it leaves much to be desired.

2 chicken jockeys out of 5

Note: This movie has turned into a literal blockbuster overnight, with national headlines of kids tearing up movie theaters. Why is anyone surprised by its success? The only franchise I think would perform even higher is a Fortnite movie. Never underestimate dumb kids with too much time on their hands.

Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)

Let's get this out of the way first: This movie is gorgeous. But that's all it is. It wades in shallow waters, but the colors pop and it's a world you achingly long to escape to. You want to watch this on the biggest screen you can find. 

It only took James Cameron 13 or so years to get back in the director's chair to follow up the visually arresting Avatar. He doesn't make too many changes to the formula here, but he swaps the Na'vi forests for its deep oceans (one of Cameron's own vested interests) in order to introduce the audience to new types of dazzling flora and alluring fauna. Like the original, people cynically bemoan it as a dearth of cinema, but it's only meant to be a simple good time at the movies. Get the stick out of your ass and flip the switch on your brain to "off" to get the maximum enjoyment. There's only going to be about 20 more of these damn movies.

3½ swims with whales out of 5

Harold and the Purple Crayon (2024)

Harold is a boy who lives inside of a children's book, who uses a purple crayon to create things out of thin air. When he grows up, and the narration has stopped, he decides to leave the storybook world in order to seek out his creator, where his idealistic views bump up against the harsh realities of life.

Zachary Levi seems to get a lot of hate lately, but I've always thought he was one of those comedic actors who deserved meatier roles, like Ryan Reynolds. I'm sure this joke has been made before, but the character of Harold felt very two-dimensional. Library Gary (Jemaine Clement) was the real highlight here as the failed fantasy writer who is jealous of Harold's abilities. 

I thought the film was serviceable; very much a watered-down family film where no one gets hurt and a moral neatly wrapped up in a bow at the end.

2 spider-flies out of 5

THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE [2017]

Robot Chicken director Chris McKay delivers the animated fun in spades with his LEGO Movie spin-off, The LEGO Batman Movie.
After accidentally adopting an overly eager orphan named Dick, Batsy must defeat The Joker and his usual band of lawless cronies from overthrowing Gotham City.
It's a very busy film that attacks the senses a bit but thankfully it's pretty damned funny with plenty of moments and gags that will please long-time fans of The Caped Crusader.  It references all sorts of cinematic forms of Batsy, including Adam West, Bruce Timm's animated series, Batfleck and yes, even the one with the nipples.   There's so much going on I'm willing to bet even a third or fourth viewing won't reveal all the jokes and sight gags to the exhausted viewer.  It's clearly the work of greedy Hollywood executives but it's enough batshit crazy fun to let it slide.

3½ family portraits out of 5

THE BFG [2016]

Director Steven Spielberg & Disney conjure up a bit of a rare miss for the duo with the big-screen adaptation of Roald Dahl's children's novel The BFG.
Here we follow a young orphaned girl who is whisked away into a world of giants, where all but one have a taste for human flesh, the Big Friendly Giant who vows to keep her safe from his man-eating peers.
Unlike most of Spielberg's works this one manages to lack the magical whimsy that other films of this style seem to excel in.  It's not that it doesn't have heart or imagination, it just doesn't seem to always have the wondrous enthusiasm one would expect from such a film.  There's plenty of scenes of inspired delight but there's also plenty that are quite the opposite.  The film's greatest strength is the chemistry between it's two leads where the storytelling finds it's most joy.  If not for it's insanely dull second act and whimpering climax I might have enjoyed it a lot more in the end.

2½ dream jars out of 5

MOANA [2016]

Inspired by a collection of Polynesian legends, Disney's Moana is another strong addition to the studios ever-growing library of animated films.
After her tribe is threatened by an ancient curse the soon-to-be chief sets out to sea to find a legendary demigod that can help her set things right.
With it's lively voice-acting and beautiful animation Moana is easy to enjoy even when it does a drag a bit here and there.  Flight of the Conchord fans will love Jemaine Clement's sequence, however it's Dwayne Johnson's demigod character that chews up each scene he's in.  I was afraid The Rock couldn't do voice-acting or musicals but he miraculously pulls it off with flying colors.  To add to all the fun is the rousing music from composer Mark Mancina, Hamilton writer Lin-Manuel Miranda and New Zealand's oceanic music act Te Vaka.  Anchored by some well-doing themes and messages Moana is Disney's second big animated winner of 2016.

4 stowaway roosters out of 5

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS [2014]

The Flight Of The Conchords' Jemaine Clement and Taika Waititi co-write & direct the New Zealand horror/comedy What We Do In The Shadows.
A very Kiwi-humored mockumentary about a pack of vampires who all happen to be flatmates in Wellington and how they're just trying to get by unnoticed, even if a camera crew is following them around everywhere.  It's more silly than silly and is packed with enough laughable moments amidst all the gallons and gallons of blood.   The film takes it's creature lore very seriously, which is nice but the laughs are first and foremost, which reminded me a lot of how Shaun Of The Dead approached their zombies.  It doesn't quite pack enough wit to make it a classic but is funny enough to recommend to anyone even remotely interested by it's foolish concept.

3 dark biddings on the internet out of 5

MUPPETS MOST WANTED [2014]

Da Ali G Show writer/director James Bobin returns for a second run with Jim Henson's lovable creations in Muppets Most Wanted.
Like the preceding film, this one is self-aware and not afraid to admit that the "sequel is never quite as good", so with that fuzzy, googly-eyed elephant out of the room we're allowed to sit back and never stop grinning from the silliness we're embarking on.  Oddly enough it does explore some darker areas of the Muppet world but never enough to steer right off track from the fun.  Ricky Gervais and Tina Fey's comic skills are sadly put to waste here but it's Ty Burrell who steals every single scene he's in and that makes up for more than enough.
It might not be as great as the previous film but it's pretty darned close.

3½ pink frogs & green pigs out of 5

GENTLEMEN BRONCOS [2009]

After the mainstream disaster that was Nacho Libre, Jared Hess (writer & director of Napoleon Dynamite) returns to what he does best.  Quirky indie-comedies that really aren't for everybody.

Serving as a twisted homage to terrible sci-fi pulp fiction, Gentlemen Broncos is weird, weird, weird.  It manages to be consistently funny and is never afraid to get too absurd.  As awkwardly hilarious as the film is, it does suffer a bit in character development.  We get to know everybody in the first 20 minutes and that's it.  They never really push forward after that, but can be forgiven as it dares to be different.

3 assault deers out of 5

MEN IN BLACK 3 [2012]

After a 10 year absence, Agent J & K are back in the third installment of the Men In Black series.

It's nice to see Will Smith & Tommy Lee Jones back in black but it's Josh Brolin who steals the show as a younger version of Jones' Agent K character.  The film starts off pretty slow but once Smith jumps back in time things pick up and never slow down.   Rick Baker's alien designs are particularly disgusting this time around causing extreme delight in this gorehound.  

It's not as great as the first film but lightyears better than the second.  

3 pug mugs out of 5

RIO [2011]

Another computer animated film with talking animals and all the wacky characters they meet on their adventure.

With the exception of some great voice work from Anne Hathaway, Leslie Mann and George Lopez, the rest of the voice performances are boring and awkward.

The story is pretty straight forward and the animation is, while colorful and clean, very uninspired.

2 Marmosets out of 5.