Anaconda (1997)

A documentary film crew on an expedition in the Amazon crosses paths with a snake hunter searching for a legendary giant anaconda in this cheesy horror adventure flick. The standout here is Jon Voight as the former priest turned jungle raider. The blend of practical effects and early CGI is jarring at times, but all part of its odd nostalgic appeal. Kind of like a budget Jurassic Park. 

It's a dumb creature feature, but kind of enjoyable for the same reasons.

3 digestible meals out of 5

War of the Worlds (2025)

Imagine an asshole.

Now imagine it opening up.

Now imagine frothy hot diarrhea spewing forth from within and spilling all over your eyes and face and sliding into the corners of your mouth...

Congratulations, you've just seen War of the Worlds 2025.

0 efforts out of 5

FIST FIGHT [2017]

Batman versus Superman.  Godzilla versus Mothra.  Mega Shark versus Crocosaurus.  Joe versus a volcano.  And now, Ice Cube versus Charlie Day.
Director Richie Keen's mean-spirited comedy Fist Fight pits the two guys against each other as high school teachers that find they have nothing to lose amidst the chaos that surrounds them.
With the folks involved, the movie should have been funnier even if the script fell a little flat in all it's stupidity.  Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be much a script and it feels more like they just cobbled together a bunch of Best Of improvisations which isn't all that great to begin with.  There's a few chuckle worthy moments and the actual fight itself is well worth the time wasted on the rest of film.  In the end, it's not a comedy worth recommending unless you really, really think it'd be a blast watching Cube & Charlie trading blows.

2 horses on meth out of 5

RIDE ALONG 2 [2016]

Director Tim Story brings back Ice Cube & Kevin Hart for another comedic romp in the sequel to the 2014 hit, Ride Along.
This time around the bad boys are heading to Miami to bring down a dangerous drug lord who's supplying their hometown with his product.
While the first film failed to muster a whole lot of laughter from me, this second outing somehow managed to improve upon it's tired formula with a breezier pace.  Tossing Ken Jeong into the mix to form a mismatched trio works incredibly well and offers most of the film's laughs.  The story-mapping is pretty sloppy, the character arcs are terrible and it's more predictable than downing a boxful of laxatives but at least it's pretty damned funny.

3 brother-in-laws out of 5

RIDE ALONG [2014]

Fuck Tha Police co-writer Ice Cube & uber-zippy pint-sized comedian Kevin Hart play a cop & a cop-to-be in director Tim Story's bickering buddy action/comedy Ride Along.
Atlanta Police Academy newbie Hart rides along with gruff detective Cube in order to prove that he is worthy of marrying the hard-assed cop's younger sister.  Wacky hijinks ensue and everything falls in place in the end.
Based on the late-night talk show interviews I saw with these guys I loved their comedic chemistry so I figured this flick would be good for a few laughs.  Technically it offers a few mild belly laughs but nothing worth noting.  In fact, it's kind of a major disappointment, especially when you weren't asking for much in the first place.

2 Black Hammers out of 5

Boyz n the Hood (1991)

For me, the early years of main protagonist Tre are the best that Boyz has to offer. It puts us into the very heart of the nature vs nurture argument. When it skips forward seven years, to 1991, watching Tre attempt to get his love life on track seems initially less interesting. In truth, from that point onwards it’s more of a slow burning drama delivering a positive message. It lands less direct punches but they leave just as many dents.
It communicates effectively how emotions that run high in the wake of hard decisions must be brought back down to size or the fight is lost.

4 clocks punched out of 5

Barbershop 2: Back in Business (2004)

We're back at Calvin’s with its collection of misfits and regulars getting haircuts when some of them have no visible hair to cut. There’s a ladies salon next door to provide a contrast and better highlight how unique and important the shop environment is. That’s in place because an upmarket barbershop is taking up residence across the street, threatening Calvin’s livelihood.
I enjoyed the flashbacks to Calvin Senior's era. But other than repeating what was established in the first film there's really only a clichéd struggle against a competitor, the big-business soulless machine, to carry the present story forward. The out of work hours segments should've deepened the characters. Instead, it felt like filler for more than half of them. It's not a bad film, I liked it, but it lacked the weight of conscience that bolstered the first one.

2½ free chairs out of 5

Barbershop (2002)

With the shop being a microcosmic meeting point for staff and customers, each with their own troubles, I was reminded of Desmond's (1989-94) more than once, but that's okay because I liked Desmond's.
When it opts for full comedy it uses stereotypes and goes nowhere interesting, and the reliance on an obligatory white guy to spark black concerns is old-hat. When it sticks to subtle comedy within the larger drama it fares better. The quick fire dialogue is stronger and the heart beats louder.
When your workplace grinds you down and you need reminded of what really matters in life, then you could do worse than a Barbershop visit.

3 shortcuts out of 5

Friday After Next (2002)

The third film goes Xmas. I shit you not. Seasonal plot-desperation is typically a bad sign, and Friday After Next is no certainly exception. Craig (Ice Cube) is back in the ghetto, sharing an apartment with his cousin Day-Day (Mike Epps), who we met in the previous film, Next Friday (2000).  For a while things are good and interactions are sharp, but once the cops leave so too does the fun. I found it impossible to care about any of the new characters and a struggle to sit through the wafer-thin additions to existing ones.

Credit, however, is given for the title. I can't think of any other series that has titling as clever as the Friday films. That trend is set to continue if the rumoured fourth film ever gets made, Last Friday.

1½ pimps and some ho ho hos out of 5

Next Friday (2000)

A sequel to the really rather good Friday (1995) that's nowhere near as good. It takes Craig (Ice Cube) out of South Central, 'Fresh Princing' him to the California suburbs, perhaps in the hope that removing the character from a setting that was complementary and placing him into one that isn't will engender not just comedy but sympathy. Unfortunately, it doesn't.

It adds some Chicano neighbours for him to tussle with, most of whom are played too heavily for laughs. Also, Deebo (Tommy Lister) has unfinished business, so he's shoehorned into the plot, too. The script certainly wasn't Ice Cube expressin' with his full capabilities.

2 ghetto knocks out of 5

Friday (1995)

A comedy about two unemployed friends, Craig Jones (Ice Cube) and Smokey (Chris Tucker), that's set during one hot Friday in the hood. Craig is lazy and a bit of a moocher. Smokey is a small-time weed dealer. The duo sit on mismatched chairs on a porch, shooting the shit while watching passers-by and trying their best to keep a low profile with a 'you don't bother me and I won't bother you' attitude. But, as is often the case in neighbourhoods, unwanted interruptions aren't far away - one of which is Deebo (Tommy Lister).

Nothing much happens, but it's totally engaging. It's a bit Spike Lee, minus the crushing political weight. There are stereotypes, but they're clearly and purposefully written that way. And the small but important level of social commentary that surfaces elevates it above similar location-set comedies.

3½ rotations out of 5

22 JUMP STREET [2014]

Rarely is a sequel much better than it's original but Phil Lord & Chris Miller manage to pull it off with the overly goofy 22 Jump Street.
Like the original, it knows it's a Hollywood treadmill film and that's where it succeeds in a lot of it's humor, particularly Nick Offerman's side-splittingly hilarious meta-speeches.  However it's Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum's wonderful comedic chemistry that makes the film as funny and playful as it is.  This ain't high art or quality film-making, in fact it's probably the furthest thing from it but the film-makers and stars set out to have a good time with the hopes that you will too.

3½ Dumbass Americans out of 5

RAMPART [2011]

Director Oren Moverman fictionalizes his film around the Rampart scandals of LAPD in the late '90's making for some pre-setup tension.
Woody Harrelson leads the ensemble cast and unfortunately is the only character we really get to know which makes it a challenging watch seeing as he's so despicable.  Had the film added in another leading character to contrast Harrelson's corrupt cop it might have been a more inviting and interesting watch, instead we're just sort of waiting for this douche to get what's coming to him.  To add to it all, the camerawork is distractingly shaky and sometimes feel like it's trying a bit too hard to be naturally raw.
Rampart had pretty big potential to be a great crime drama but instead is just pretty off-putting and pointless.

2 ex-wives out of 5

21 JUMP STREET [2012]

Clone High creators Phil Lord & Chris Miller bring the 80's TV melodrama 21 Jump Street to the big screen and warp it into a raunchy comedy starring Jonah Hill & Channing Tatum. 

The film manages to satire both the original TV series and '80's nostalgia, while packing in a Lethal Weapon-esque punch.  Hill & Tatum are surprisingly quite good but something doesn't quite sit right as a whole.   The laughs are a little short for extended periods of time and some of the more interesting & potentially comedic character conflicts are never fully developed.  

It's not as bad as it sounds on paper but never reaches the heights it could have.  

2½ Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus lookin' motherfuckers out of 5

Ghosts of Mars (2001)

Taken as a whole, GoM isn't very good. The illuminated nights make everything look set-bound even though all exteriors were shot on location. Stath’s single-note action hero style doesn't fit well in the Carpenter world, and Ice Cube lacks any kind of menace. The SFX budget was small and it really shows. The generic, metal chugga-chug guitar stuff is awful.

Conversly, the ambient music is good, Pam Grier is cool and Natasha Henstridge is a perfect fit. There’s a strange, recurring use of a flashback within a flashback, having one character tell the tale of a different character.

The real saving grace is the commentary; I love a Carpenter commentary.

2 bottled teeth out of 5

Three Kings (1999)

This is going to make me unpopular, but that’s nothing new.
Clooney is the sole reason I attempted to watch Three Kings.
High contrast. Bad humour.
I wasted an hour of my shitty life before turning it off.

1 to stop the bleeding hearts from killing me out of 5