Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning (2023)

This entire series is the very definition of ephemeral entertainment. It's fun and exciting in the moment, but it just doesn't stay with you after it's over. At the best of times, it's a mindless popcorn flick; at the worst of times, it's smug and insufferable. How much longer can we keep pretending nothing is going to happen to this Gary Stu character? How many times can they make the impossible possible? These movies are filled with such clichés that only exist to feed Cruise's massive ego as a billionaire movie star adrenaline junkie.

This time, Tommy Boy goes up against the very concept of AI itself; a rogue system known as The Entity that spells the end of all mankind (if we're lucky). The biggest misstep of this installment is that it's long and occasionally boring. There are three memorable set pieces featured, and these are what make the movie worthwhile, especially the "big stunt" in the final hour of the picture. 

Fact: Every M:I movie is longer than the one that came before. Now we're up to 2 hours and 45 minutes to tell an incomplete story without an ending, as this was merely devised as "Part One"—to be concluded in The Final Reckoning.

2½ half-keys out of 5

Home Sweet Home Alone (2021)

I'm not one for unnecessary hyperbole, but this might be the worst piece of shit movie I've ever seen in my piece of shit life. This type of plot makes no sense in 2021, where the world is more connected by technology than ever, and a 10-year-old rich kid left home alone hardly feels like cause for alarm, especially considering he's never in any real danger. And there's no way a spoiled brat like that has the old-school know-how to booby trap a house. I found the overuse of slow-mo to depict physical comedy to be grating and insulting to my intelligence. All of the choices in this film are so contrived and insipid, like they took the original film and stripped it of every beat of heart and humor until it is barely recognizable (it does not deserve the grace of "Somewhere in My Memory"). And who thought the one character we needed reprising from the original was Buzz?

This whole movie feels like a pointless cash-in of a franchise that has been in the trash since 1997, so I guess it's no big loss. Kids movies these days suck. Disney+ ruins another beloved holiday classic, and the whole production has the tacky quality of a made-for-TV movie. I feel so bad for the children who will grow up on this garbage. It's like they're training kids these days to become as dumb, boring and shallow as this film.

0 "ugly boy" dolls out of 5

Orion and the Dark (2024)

Inside Out, as scripted by Charlie Kaufman. Orion is a kid who is scared of everything. He's obsessed with death and has an existential fear of the unknown. He contemplates all of life's big questions: What happens after it all goes dark? This is Charlie Brown if he was distilled down to a pure anxiety disorder. Pretty heavy shit for a kid's movie.

After a total blackout, Orion encounters the embodiment of the Dark, who takes him out on a grand adventure (à la Little Nemo in Slumberland) and forces him to confront his fears. Also in tow are the other nighttime entities: Sleep, Quiet, Sweet Dreams, Insomnia, and Unexplained Noises. (What a bunch of assholes!) You can kind of tell where this is going, but there are actually layers that are gradually peeled back and offer varying narrative perspectives. It goes some interesting places that few children's films would ever dare to go, which means it might be too intense for the little ones (though it would have been perfect for me). Once the curtain is finally lifted, there is an additional story being told that can only be appreciated by grown ass adults. Unfortunately, you get the feeling Kaufman's original script has been watered down in some respects to make it more agreeable for general audiences. You can sense they're holding back and are beholden to a more optimistic, conventional approach. As such, it's not quite as good as it could have been, but you can see all the potential that was there on the page.

3½ gilded lilies out of 5

Deadpool 2 (2018)

The Merc with the Mouth returns in this demented step-brother to the X-Men franchise. What happens when someone who can't die loses the will to live? This installment introduces the time-traveling Cable who arrives from the future in order to murder a kid who will eventually grow up to be a villain. Can he be redeemed? Also in tow is the entire X-Force team, including Domino (whose superpower is "luck") and Peter. Yep. Just Peter.

This sequel is not quite as iconic as the original, but still above-average comic book fare that is better than it has any right to be. I like to think of these movies more as parodies of the genre because they're chock full of hilarious sight-gags and subversive meta humor. It also manages to pull off that rare balancing act of being side-splittingly funny while tugging at the heartstrings in unexpected ways. Watch it all the way through for some very satisfying credit scenes that are essential to the plot (and the future of the franchise).

3½ grotesque baby legs out of 5

Note: A (bleeped) PG-13 version of this movie was released called Once Upon a Deadpool, which features a brand new wraparound story with Fred Savage, spoofing his role in The Princess Bride, that's well worth your time. An extended unrated cut was also released, with 15 additional minutes, which is the preferred edition to seek out—although all three versions contain alternate takes/jokes, so you can roll the dice.