The Friend (2024)

A woman is bequeathed a Great Dane who is mourning the recent loss of his owner. She decides to care for it temporarily until she figures out a long-term plan, while avoiding the building tenants who inform her no pets are allowed in her apartment. It deals with the usual topics, such as grief and moving on. 

Movies like these are predictable by design, but it's all about how you get there in the end. It's a bit meandering and long-winded, and occasionally slow and uneventful, but I found it to be a pleasant, empathetic watch nonetheless.

3 old sweatshirts out of 5

Lisa Frankenstein (2024)

A lonely girl romanticizes the gravesite of a young man who died 150 years prior. After pouring her heart out to him, a bolt of lightning strikes and brings him back as an undead creature. The rub? He can't speak and he's missing multiple body parts. So Lisa goes on a spree to complete her "creation."

This Gothic horror-comedy owes a lot of its inspiration and feel to the works of Tim Burton. It has a distinctly '80s vibe throughout and is a helluva lot darker than I was expecting for PG-13, especially given all the sexual references and casual murder. It's a weird movie though, and I liked that it tried to be something different. Kathryn Newton is inspired in the eponymous role. I'm sure it'll develop into something of a cult film, like a lot of Diablo Cody's work tends to do. Plus it was directed by Zelda Williams—daughter of Robin—in her first feature-length film, so it seems like she has a promising career ahead of her.

3 tanning beds out of 5

Orion and the Dark (2024)

Inside Out, as scripted by Charlie Kaufman. Orion is a kid who is scared of everything. He's obsessed with death and has an existential fear of the unknown. He contemplates all of life's big questions: What happens after it all goes dark? This is Charlie Brown if he was distilled down to a pure anxiety disorder. Pretty heavy shit for a kid's movie.

After a total blackout, Orion encounters the embodiment of the Dark, who takes him out on a grand adventure (à la Little Nemo in Slumberland) and forces him to confront his fears. Also in tow are the other nighttime entities: Sleep, Quiet, Sweet Dreams, Insomnia, and Unexplained Noises. (What a bunch of assholes!) You can kind of tell where this is going, but there are actually layers that are gradually peeled back and offer varying narrative perspectives. It goes some interesting places that few children's films would ever dare to go, which means it might be too intense for the little ones (though it would have been perfect for me). Once the curtain is finally lifted, there is an additional story being told that can only be appreciated by grown ass adults. Unfortunately, you get the feeling Kaufman's original script has been watered down in some respects to make it more agreeable for general audiences. You can sense they're holding back and are beholden to a more optimistic, conventional approach. As such, it's not quite as good as it could have been, but you can see all the potential that was there on the page.

3½ gilded lilies out of 5

Gerald's Game (2017)

Gerald's plan to get his wife to their remote lake house for a sexy weekend goes terribly awry. Based on a 1992 Stephen King novel of the same name, it's a scenario that might not sound too terrifying on paper, but for one of the couple it's a horrifying experience that won't ever be forgotten.
The novel doesn't exactly lend itself to the film format, but Dir. Mike Flanagan makes it work, pushing the psychologically strained threads of the tale into dark corners, reversals and POV angles that give the mostly static situation a unique feeling of movement and life. The believability of the story rests largely on the performance, and neither Carla Gugino nor Bruce Greenwood shirk on that aspect. The novel's most terrifying moment is the film's also. And for King aficionados there are references to at least three of his other works.

3½ wrist marks out of 5

Sucker Punch (2011)

Is it a movie or a very long, boring music video?
No, wait, it's a movie, right? No, no, it's definitely a music video...
Now it's a video game without any gameplay. It's a fighting game that's now a WW shooter that's now in a LoTR fantasy setting and... where's Nathan Drake?
The cinematography is like Jean-Pierre Jeunet with clinical depression.

TL:DR - Zack Snyder. Shite.

1½ parameters out of 5

Snake Eyes (1998)

The lengthy opening scene is superb logistical work by all concerned and lets us know that we’re in for a real spectacle. Viewing it is like being a kid at the circus, waiting for the next exotic eye-opener to waltz into the ring.
The story happens mostly in one vast Atlantic City arena. Nic Cage is a less than perfect detective investigating an assassination. Through his questioning we experience the murder more than once, the same moment in time as seen from many eyes, the different angles and agendas completing the whole.
Cage keeps his madness to an acceptable level and the picture’s momentum at a heightened one. It falls apart in the last third, leading to a badly muddled ending, but the first hour is pure class.

4 bloody notes out of 5

SAN ANDREAS [2015]

Republic of Doyle Newfie director Brad Peyton has a grand ol' time bringing California to it's knees in the special effects summer bonanza San Andreas.
The Rock plays a father that embarks on a terrifying journey across the said state in order to rescue his daughter.  By now, you know what your getting yourself into when walking into a film like this.  Bad dialogue, paper-thin characters, questionable actions with even more questionable consequences and a helluva lot of noise.  If you're ready for all that then you'll find some mind-numbing enjoyment out of this one, especially with Dwayne Johnson on board.  With summer officially starting this week I can safely guarantee you most of the film reviews following this one will say basically the same thing.

3 tsunamis out of 5

WATCHMEN - THE ULTIMATE CUT [2009]

Clocking in at over 3½ hours, Zack Snyder's Ultimate Cut of the film adaptation of Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons' acclaimed graphic novel Watchmen is the definitive version without a doubt.
As faithful as the film is to it's source material, in the end it's the dedication that hurts the experience most.  Snyder pretty much films exactly what is seen on the pages of the graphic novel and forgets to translate it into film with a voice of his own and in turn adds nothing to the works that wasn't already said in it's original form.  However visually and stylistically it's a wonder to watch such gritty, violent beauty on film.  I applaud Snyder's putting all his heart and soul into a hard R-rated film that would be a hard sell to franchise greedy Hollywood executives.

3½ Black Freighters out of 5

Girl Walks Into A Bar (2011)

Something about downloading a freely distributed movie feels wrong to me. I don't get that same satisfaction of illegal piracy. Maybe there's something wrong with me.

This low-budget/big-name feature starts out like a David Mamet play with some good writing and snappy dialogue, then falls into dull routine like a cheap knock-off of a Robert Altman ensemble comedy. The subject matter involves random conversations in 10 bars with a common thread running throughout...which is all but abandoned by the halfway point. The main problem is that this movie never really goes anywhere, and I didn't find the individual scenes enjoyable in and of themselves.

If you want to see it for yourself, it's here (only available in the U.S.).

2 black censored bars out of 5...fuck you

Mr. Popper's Penguins (2011)

Why do I do this to myself?

Not even Jim Carrey could save this overbloated piece of fluff, filled with one too many penguin poop jokes. At one point, the movie goes in an interesting direction, when Mr. Popper loses his mind and adapts to the penguin's environment--but then it quickly turns head and becomes the usual formulaic family flick. I would have liked to see the other direction the movie could have gone.

In short: Stop making PG-rated comedies, Mr. Carrey.

1 cell phone in the blender out of 5