Lilo & Stitch (2002)

An alien monster known as Experiment 626 escapes from his lab and hops a ship to Earth where he crash lands on the island of Kaua'i. He encounters lonely outcast Lilo who adopts the newly christened 'Stitch,' passing himself off as an intelligent dog-like creature while being pursued by the aliens in disguise. As two misfit halves of the same coin, they complement each other perfectly. The film is made charming by the colorful Hawaiian flavors and catchy soundtrack filled with original tunes and classic Elvis Presley songs.

Spawned three sequels, a television series and an (ugh) live-action remake.

3½ ʻohana out of 5

Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning (2025)

29 years after he started the M:I franchise, Tom Cruise returns one last time to end it. And it couldn't come any sooner, as he's traded in his boyish good looks for someone closer resembling Buddy Hackett. Still, at 62, he's performing insane stunts and doing things that I could never do at any age, so you can't really knock it. Maybe there's something to that Scientology shit, after all.

Picking up shortly after the events of Dead Reckoning, The Entity is still an active threat (if somewhat an abstract construct) while the world is again at the precipice of succumbing to global devastation. It's exposition-heavy at times, and heavy-handed at others, but I mostly find it fascinating due to its finality. The improbable part is that they managed to tie up so many loose story strands from throughout the series in a satisfying way while weaving together all of the films. (Meanwhile, my impossible mission was trying not to piss myself for three hours.) It's a welcome return to form that succeeds in ending the series on a high note. Tom's mission, should he choose to accept it, is not to fuck it up by making another one.

3½ MacGuffins out of 5

Note: Huge shout-out goes to Ving Rhames, who has appeared in every single one of these films alongside Cruise, but never quite seems to get his due.

Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning (2023)

This entire series is the very definition of ephemeral entertainment. It's fun and exciting in the moment, but it just doesn't stay with you after it's over. At the best of times, it's a mindless popcorn flick; at the worst of times, it's smug and insufferable. How much longer can we keep pretending nothing is going to happen to this Gary Stu character? How many times can they make the impossible possible? These movies are filled with such clichés that only exist to feed Cruise's massive ego as a billionaire movie star adrenaline junkie.

This time, Tommy Boy goes up against the very concept of AI itself; a rogue system known as The Entity that spells the end of all mankind (if we're lucky). The biggest misstep of this installment is that it's long and occasionally boring. There are three memorable set pieces featured, and these are what make the movie worthwhile, especially the "big stunt" in the final hour of the picture. 

Fact: Every M:I movie is longer than the one that came before. Now we're up to 2 hours and 45 minutes to tell an incomplete story without an ending, as this was merely devised as "Part One"—to be concluded in The Final Reckoning.

2½ half-keys out of 5

Mission: Impossible - Fallout (2018)

The 6th installment of Mission: Impossible is also somehow the best (tying it with Ghost Protocol), mostly because it pays off some longstanding story issues and further develops the character past the two-dimensional archetype with indestructible plot armor. This time the threat of nuclear war is at stake, but don't worry, Ethan Hunt is on the case and no mission is too impossible.

It features the typical extravagant action set pieces fans have come to expect (Tom Cruise actually broke his ankle during one of the stunts) and maximizes its mileage for the duration of its exhausting two-and-a-half hour runtime.

This was also the film where they decided Henry Cavill having a real mustache was more important than shaving it off for Superman, resulting in some costly reshoots for Justice League and meme-worthy CGI hare-lip screen grabs.

3½ fake news out of 5

Mission: Impossible II (2000)

AKA: M:I-2

Whereas the first film very much felt like a slick espionage thriller in the style of the original series, this one and the rest of the series from here focuses on big action set pieces and lots of death-defying stunts centered around its star. The formula basically functions as a vehicle for Tom Cruise to position himself as the James Bond of this franchise and prove he's better than you and shit.

Some have called it the worst installment of the series, but I actually prefer this in some ways to the convoluted nature of the first film since it's slightly easier to follow along. In true John Woo fashion, it's mostly all style over substance, but it works out well enough for this over-the-top franchise.

3 face-offs out of 5

The Garfield Movie (2024)

As a kid, I used to read Garfield comics religiously (along with Peanuts and Calvin & Hobbes), but besides the '80s cartoon and TV specials, none of the recent efforts to revive the character have ever seemed to get it right. I feel like they sanded down the edges here and made him as innocuous and dull as possible. All the cutesy-eye kitten stuff was okay, but besides the brief montage of him growing up, we don't really get to see too much of the true Garfield personality. It also really bothered me that Jon Arbuckle was so estranged from the events of this film, since he's always been a big part of why the comics worked for me. Instead, we're given this weird father-son dynamic that never existed in the comics and now appears to be a permanent staple of this reboot. I mean, I realize it's a family movie designed to appeal to kids, so I'm no longer the target audience. But that just makes me feel so fucking old and obsolete when I think back to all those countless hours I spent invested in those comics and televised adventures, only for them to reinvent the mythos and throw out the "canon."

Also, I don't know what voice Chris Pratt was trying to do here, but this wasn't it. And hiring Samuel L. Jackson to play his pop is just really weird. Even Odie's characterization seemed to be off, but whatever. I don't know why I'm investing so much of myself into this dumb shit. It's just a bummer all around.

1½ milk heists out of 5

The Instigators (2024)

A crime caper involving a half-baked scheme and a couple of dopes who are ill-equipped to deal with it. It's enjoyable in all of its incompetence and is capably carried on the shoulders of its charismatic leads. With an all-star supporting cast, it's not a bad way to spend 90 minutes, but it's the type of disposable entertainment you won't remember a day or two later.

2½ therapist hostages out of 5

The Wild Robot (2024)

Instantly bringing to mind the likes of The Iron Giant, WALL·E and Big Hero 6, a helpful protocol droid named Roz (Lupita Nyong'o) washes up on the shores of an uninhabited island. Without any humans to fulfill its design, Roz uses its advanced AI processes to translate the language of the woodland animals, as a newly hatched gosling "imprints" upon it and gives Roz newfound purpose. This uplifting family film looks gorgeous (it's CG, but almost has a traditional hand-painted quality), and its intention is in the right place, despite the familiarity of the plot.

3 broken transponders out of 5

Piranha DD (2012)

Following suit with the 2010 remake of Piranha, the sequel has an even bustier comedic tone with a heavy helping of bare flesh and outrageous deaths. It's pretty obvious everyone involved was having a blast. After a re-opening, a popular water park has problems when those pesky aquatic carnivores (now this is where we suspend disbelief) travel through underwater lakes right into the laps of its patrons. Even if you're a fan of outrageous B-movies and horror-comedies, the events in PDD are difficult to swallow. It doesn't come close to the mayhem unleashed in the first film, but it without a doubt reaches a new low of cartoonish violence and poor taste.

2 old David Hasselhoffs out of 5

Piranha (2010)

With a much needed injection of comedy, effects and action, this remake actually exceeds the original. The explanation behind the piranha this time is a tiny bit more sound, but still very cliche. The film taking place during spring break gives an opportunity for a larger body count, more mayhem and ...ahem plenty of flesh. Surprisingly the CG is pretty decent, offering up some wild and gory scenes. Though there are a few overreaching moments. Despite a throw-away conclusion, the film has one of the most satisfyingly bloody climaxes on record and is well worth the ticket. 

3½ blatant Jaws references out of 5

Con Air (1997)

I’m not exaggerating my opinion when I say that Con Air is a revelation. I dug it when I saw it in theatres, and I LOVE it now. The inmates are a wonderfully strong and quirky crew of personalities, which is good because they have to shoulder the majority of the screen-time. Cage is incredibly subdued, but he makes it work with the slightest little hints of Cage-yness bubbling up around the seams. There’s some great visual symbolism on display and Buscemi steals the show as a breathing piece of philosophical social commentary. Like NEVER’s Kyosui, the flamboyantly gay character isn’t degraded for who he is and is relied upon the same as the others. I can’t say that it’s enjoyable cheese, because I genuinely believe it’s a well-made action movie with something to say. 

It’s quality.

4 Bruised, yet Bona Fide, Birthday Bunnies out of 5

Nutted by NEG.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE [1996]

Brian De Palma directs Little Boy Cruise in the first installment of the long-running Mission: Impossible franchise, based upon the television series.
Framed for the murder of several of his teammates and disloyalty to the IMF, agent Ethan Hunt hunt down the real traitor without the help of his agency.
The 90's had a field day with adapting television shows into films and very few made a successful transition.  Still going strong 20 years later, the M:I franchise is obviously one of the few exceptions.  Originally criticized for being too complicated, the film was a stepping stone for brainier summer blockbusters and allows it to stand the test of time.  De Palma's direction isn't his best but it doesn't mean he's phoned it in, in fact it's filled with all sorts of interesting camera-work, well executed moments of tension and a playful wit that still reflects back to his love for Hitchcock.

3 beads of sweat out of 5

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - ROGUE NATION [2015]

Usually by the fifth film in a franchise movie-goers are groaning "another one?" but due to being an immensely entertaining series, director Christopher McQuarrie's Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation is more than welcome.
This time around, while being hunted down by the CIA, Ethan & co. are determined to take down an international crime orginization, known as The Syndicate (olde tyme TV series fans will be giggling with glee).
Little Man Cruise proves he's a believable action star once again, while the rest of the cast back him up quite nicely, especially Rebecca Ferguson as an ass-kicking agent who may or may not be a friend.  Unfortunately Sean Harris (who I quite like) isn't given a whole lot to chew on as the villain and that hurts the threat of danger a bit.
There's enough going on here that proves it's got at least one more good film to go before it tires itself out.

3½ record store visits out of 5

Casualties of War (1989)

To paraphrase an unknown source, I don’t know much about war films but I know what I like. CoW is high on the list of likes.
Michael J. Fox plays a G.I. with a conscience, uncomfortable witnessing his fellow soldiers act like a law unto themselves when far from base camp. They see VC in every foreign face, terrorising the people they’re supposed to be protecting. Tensions are high, fuelled by anger, stress and the overpowering nature of the environment. Once the human evil gets underway it becomes a harrowing journey that won’t quickly be forgotten.
Amazingly, it was the only film that actress Thuy Thu Le ever made. She’s so terrifyingly convincing that you’d think her a long-time professional.

4½ non-standard practices out of 5

Pulp Fiction (1994)

QT’s second film is a nonlinear collection of about half a dozen stories that overlap in interesting ways, even though none of them really go anywhere meaningful. On one hand it’s deserving of being pulped, but the performances, dialogue and love shown to established filmic techniques (rear projection car rides, long tracking shots, split-focus lens and even a McGuffin) are indulgently entertaining. It’s not unlike the tasty burger that Sam Jackson makes a big deal over in one of the stories: it’s constructed from chopped up pieces and satisfies for a brief time. However, at 154 minutes I do feel that it pushes against the limits of acceptability for that kind of thing.

4 moral tests of oneself out of 5

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III [2006]

J.J. Abrams makes his feature film directorial debut with the third film in the immensely popular Mission: Impossible movie franchise.
Ethan Hunt comes out of retirement to hunt down a dangerous arms dealer who's kidnapped his wife.  Abrams does a wonderful job with a brisk pace that never slows down long enough to allow you realize how silly it all is.  It's pretty much a paint-by-numbers action film but has just enough enthusiasm and popcorn thrills to rise above boredom.  Cruise performs his obligatory bat-shit crazy stunt that never ceases to amaze but the rest of the action is nothing we haven't seen before.  It's tightly wound story never strays too far from it's mark and in the end will leave the action-junkie suitably satisfied, lens flare and all.

3 deadly head-aches out of 5

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)

The FF that FF fans don’t speak of isn't as bad as some say. Okay, it is, but perhaps not for the reasons I've seen many fanboys give. The story isn't the real problem; pad it out with 40+ hours of gameplay and it’d do just fine. Nor is the environmental message that many people disliked a new concept for the franchise. The real problem is the emptiness in the performances and the inability of CGI to effectively portray real human emotion. It looks pretty but the characters are just dead inside.
Interestingly, it lacks a spiky haired protagonist and there’s no sign of unwieldy phallic swords. It does have a Cid, though; or rather, a Sid.

2 opposing waves out of 5

DAWN OF THE DEAD [2004]

More miss than hit director Zack Snyder thrusts his rabid fitness zombies on us in the 2004 remake of the George A. Romero classic Dawn Of The Dead.

With some help from a strong cast and a impressionable script courtesy of wackjob James Gunn, Snyder's version manages to heavily entertain with homages galore and stick out from the rest of the tired zombie genre.  It's bloody vicious, at times hilarious and ruthless fun that delivers the flesh-eating goods by the buckets.

3½ Night Of The Living Dead vehicle accidents out of 5

OPERATION: ENDGAME [2010]

A fantastic ensemble cast makes up the comically and ridiculously violent thriller Operation: Endgame.

Sadly that's about all this film has going for it, as each and every single character is despicable and once the plot starts it never really develops into much.

One thing I found fun, despite what the poster art depicts, there's only one gun in the entire film and it's not loaded.  Each character is hilariously killed by something you'd find at an Office Depot.  

2½ footprints of blood out of 5