Smurfs (2025)

The little blue shits are back.

It doesn't feel good that I am once again nutting a Smurfs movie in 2025, but this is actually the fourth film (and second reboot) after the previous attempt went off the rails in 2017. Going back to basics, the little blue perverts exist blissfully unaware in Smurf Village, where their name dictates their entire personality and they are seemingly tethered to their fates from birth (this could be a good premise for a horror movie). Cue in: No Name Smurf, who is looking for his life's purpose, amongst the backdrop of a bright magical world.

The biggest draw of this one seems to be the dubious casting of Rihanna as Smurfette, which explains why this also happens to be a musical. I found the portal hopping kept my attention, even if it didn't lead anywhere worthwhile.

What's funny is that I used to be a big fan of the Smurfs as a kid, but I have no memory of why. Turns out I was just partial to the color blue.

1 Snooterpoot out of 5

Note: Another little-known fact about the Smurfs is that they all gang-bang Smurfette every single night. And she likes it. (Her nickname is Bonnie Blue.)

Lilo & Stitch (2025)

A live-action remake of the modern Disney classic upgrades Stitch from a lovable 2D character into a 3D CG model. Something gets lost in translation, because all the charm is missing and it feels like the soul has been ripped out of it. I thought the relationship and chemistry between Lilo and her sister Nani was handled well, but the rest of it feels ham-fisted and shoehorned in. In the end, it's just another substandard remake, made to bleed the IP dry for a new generation who can't be bothered to watch movies older than 20 years old.

2 kuleana out of 5

Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning (2025)

29 years after he started the M:I franchise, Tom Cruise returns one last time to end it. And it couldn't come any sooner, as he's traded in his boyish good looks for someone closer resembling Buddy Hackett. Still, at 62, he's performing insane stunts and doing things that I could never do at any age, so you can't really knock it. Maybe there's something to that Scientology shit, after all.

Picking up shortly after the events of Dead Reckoning, The Entity is still an active threat (if somewhat an abstract construct) while the world is again at the precipice of succumbing to global devastation. It's exposition-heavy at times, and heavy-handed at others, but I mostly find it fascinating due to its finality. The improbable part is that they managed to tie up so many loose story strands from throughout the series in a satisfying way while weaving together all of the films. (Meanwhile, my impossible mission was trying not to piss myself for three hours.) It's a welcome return to form that succeeds in ending the series on a high note. Tom's mission, should he choose to accept it, is not to fuck it up by making another one.

3½ MacGuffins out of 5

Note: Huge shout-out goes to Ving Rhames, who has appeared in every single one of these films alongside Cruise, but never quite seems to get his due.

The Garfield Movie (2024)

As a kid, I used to read Garfield comics religiously (along with Peanuts and Calvin & Hobbes), but besides the '80s cartoon and TV specials, none of the recent efforts to revive the character have ever seemed to get it right. I feel like they sanded down the edges here and made him as innocuous and dull as possible. All the cutesy-eye kitten stuff was okay, but besides the brief montage of him growing up, we don't really get to see too much of the true Garfield personality. It also really bothered me that Jon Arbuckle was so estranged from the events of this film, since he's always been a big part of why the comics worked for me. Instead, we're given this weird father-son dynamic that never existed in the comics and now appears to be a permanent staple of this reboot. I mean, I realize it's a family movie designed to appeal to kids, so I'm no longer the target audience. But that just makes me feel so fucking old and obsolete when I think back to all those countless hours I spent invested in those comics and televised adventures, only for them to reinvent the mythos and throw out the "canon."

Also, I don't know what voice Chris Pratt was trying to do here, but this wasn't it. And hiring Samuel L. Jackson to play his pop is just really weird. Even Odie's characterization seemed to be off, but whatever. I don't know why I'm investing so much of myself into this dumb shit. It's just a bummer all around.

1½ milk heists out of 5

The Fall Guy (2024)

An update on the '80s TV series of the same name, Ryan Gosling plays Colt Seavers, a Hollywood stunt double who suffers a career-ending injury and struggles to reclaim his earlier glory. When hired for a part on his bitter ex-girlfriend's film, he finds himself embroiled on a mission to track down the lead actor who has mysteriously disappeared. There's not a ton of surprises to be found here, but it's all very charming and jovial, and all the parts work well even though we've seen them all before. It's a perfectly acceptable action-comedy handled by two very capable leads. Employing minimal CGI, and a whole lot of practical stunt work and impressive choreography, it serves as a loving tribute to stunt performers, past and present.

3 cameos during the mid-credits out of 5

Hocus Pocus 2 (2022)

This sequel places the Sanderson Sisters front and center, which is a mistake. What happened to the kids from the first one? Thora Birch is old enough now. Meh. It attempts to revive some of the magic from (*checks watch*) 29 years ago, but it simply survives on the charm and chemistry of its three witchy leads. Fuck the kids. There is new backstory added (to make the villains seem even less menacing), but the whole thing loses steam pretty quickly. Unfortunately, it lacks any sort of edge, stakes or endangerment, and feels more like a safe, modern Disney Channel movie. It just goes to show how things have changed in the past 30 years, and it doesn't really get me excited about new content. The movie was passable (barely), but nothing I'll remember 20 minutes from now. For fans of the original only; there will be no converts here.

Oh well, at least they got poor ol' Billy Butcherson back.

2 trips to Walgreens out of 5