GOAT (2026)

In an anthropomorphic world of animals, a goat wants to be the 'greatest of all time' at basketball. And that's the end of any originality this film has to offer. Stylistically, the animation is bright, colorful and very appealing to the eyes, but the subject matter is trite and uninspired. Another dull and forgettable sports underdog comedy. Easily impressionable kids will dig it, I suppose.

½ a cloaca out of 5

I Don't Understand You (2024)

A couple of Americans on holiday in Italy literally can't understand what is being said to them, which leads to a series of misunderstandings and other weirdness, as you can guess from the poster, in this dark comedy of errors.

It's all fun and games until it starts becoming a little too ridiculous to believe.

2 CPR attempts out of 5

Smurfs (2025)

The little blue shits are back.

It doesn't feel good that I am once again nutting a Smurfs movie in 2025, but this is actually the fourth film (and second reboot) after the previous attempt went off the rails in 2017. Going back to basics, the little blue perverts exist blissfully unaware in Smurf Village, where their name dictates their entire personality and they are seemingly tethered to their fates from birth (this could be a good premise for a horror movie). Cue in: No Name Smurf, who is looking for his life's purpose, amongst the backdrop of a bright magical world.

The biggest draw of this one seems to be the dubious casting of Rihanna as Smurfette, which explains why this also happens to be a musical. I found the portal hopping kept my attention, even if it didn't lead anywhere worthwhile.

What's funny is that I used to be a big fan of the Smurfs as a kid, but I have no memory of why. Turns out I was just partial to the color blue.

1 Snooterpoot out of 5

Note: Another little-known fact about the Smurfs is that they all gang-bang Smurfette every single night. And she likes it. (Her nickname is Bonnie Blue.)

Red One (2024)

This movie is a fucking nightmare. Santa Claus (J.K. Simmons) is a bodybuilder who works at a technologically advanced North Pole facility alongside his E.L.F. (Enforcement, Logistics and Fortification) bodyguard played by The Rock. A black ops team breaks into the facility and kidnaps Red, so they're forced to contact a cynical hacker (Chris Evans) to help track him down. At least I think that's what's happening here. The whole thing turns into a CGI fever dream in a hurry, with creepy uncanny valley effects that will probably traumatize children, and mythological creatures that feel like rejects from Nightbreed. The whole thing is just completely soulless and depressing, and doesn't even manage to manufacture those fake holiday feelings within me. It feels so corporate and hollow and goes on for so long, I could barely keep my eyes open. To be honest, I'm not even sure kids will get a kick out of this one.

One Krampus bitch slap out of 5

LOVING [2016]

Jeff Nichols' second feature film of 2016, Loving, is subtle, poignant and most of all an important retelling of American history.
It follows the story of interracial married couple, Mildred & Richard Loving, who battled the state of Virginia in the late '60s to keep their marriage together in a time that prohibited it.
Normally movies like this are proud, overly powerful, filled with "a-ha!" whipper-snapper lawyer moments, lengthy monologues, swelling music and that Oscar-winning performance clip.  However instead of easily following that path, Nichols stays true to his quiet style of film-making and it's all the more better for it.  It could have been that film that uses disturbing violence, overly weighty-moments and melodrama to get it's point across, but instead it only uses solid human drama and love to make the mightiest of statements.  It might not be instantly captivating but it's certainly is one of the most worthwhile dramas of it's kind.

4 snap-shots out of 5

SAUSAGE PARTY [2016]

Directors Greg Tiernan (Thomas & Friends) and Conrad Vernon (Madagascar) turn to the darkside for the highly offensive, yet atrociously funny animated Sausage Party, written by Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg & Jonah Hill.
It's the Fourth of July and all the food products at Shopwell's Grocery Store are excited to get whisked away to a better place...or so they think.  

Try to imagine Toy Story, then replace the toys with food and then humor yourself with the notion of Mr. Potato Head or especially Jessie The Yodeling Cowgirl getting ripped apart and devoured by their owners.  With that in mind, prepare to feel your ears curl up with the language that would make the South Park guys uncomfortable.  Be ready to laugh till your in pain because it's pretty fucking funny, with some cleverly placed themes neatly woven into all the un-PC crudeness.  In short, it's the perfect example of stupid brilliance.  

4 "Great" Beyonds out of 5

A Good Old Fashioned Orgy (2011)

A group of 30-something physically attractive friends (and one fat dude) decide to throw one last hurrah before they go off their separate ways and relive something that was missing from our generation: orgies. Kind of reminds me of the more Hollywood-ized version of Humpday (or an updated version of Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice). It's that kind of movie that gets you halfway there, but isn't kind enough to let you finish. I think that's really all that needs to be said.

2.5 uncomfortable moments in the bathroom out of 5