The Lovely Bones (2009)

I've no knowledge of the book that TLB is based on, but the resultant film is not good. Told from the perspective of a murdered fourteen-year-old girl (Saoirse Ronan), with a v/o from the same, it follows the lives of the people left behind, observed by the dead girl from a place beyond the living world.
Colourful and detailed, but tonally a complete mess, Dir. Peter Jackson used some of his $65 million budget on FX shots that add little of anything other than spectacle to the work. The feeling of acute boredom that settled upon me lifted only when Stanley Tucci was onscreen, and at one other time (for the intruder in his house near the end). And why Mark Wahlberg is ever considered for a role that requires emotion is something I don't understand.

2 skeevies out of 5

THE LOBSTER [2015]

Greek director Yorgos Lanthimos' English language debut The Lobster retains his oddball, unsettling sense of humor firmly intact.
Set in a strange reality where single folks are sent to live in The Hotel, where they must find a significant other in 45 days or they are turned into an animal of their own choosing and left to fend for themselves in the woods.
Like Lanthimos's previous works, it's going to leave mainstream audiences feeling like they wasted their time but those looking for something off the beaten path, they've definitely come to the right place.  Each actor deliver such understated performances, they become hilariously surreal that even the weirdest moments seem subtly organic.
Something this bizarre doesn't usually look as cinematic as it does but like it's punchy classically flavored score, it constantly lets off whiffs of Kubrick.
Where the wild roses grow, indeed.

4 toasted fap hands out of 5

THE FOUNTAIN [2006]

The Fountain is a deeply personal film from director Darren Aronofsky that I wasn't too sure about at first but several years later have found it's aged quite nicely, amidst all its problems.
It explores themes of love, life and death meshed in with religion, science, theologies and philosophies which makes for a bit of an abnormal experience for someone not expecting it.  Still, Aronofsky never quite finds an even flow for the narrative or a heart to anchor the human aspects of this overly ambitious story, so when we are supposed to feel our hearts are manipulated by Clint Mansell's wonderful music.  When it all comes down to it The Fountain is a daring celebration of human mortality and an admirable effort in doing so.

3 Trees Of Life out of 5

OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL [2013]

Sam Raimi directs a film about an everyday Joe who unexpectedly gets whisked away into a strange world where he's thought to be more than what he really is.  It's called Army Of Dar---...wait a sec.  It's called Oz the Great and Powerful.

It serves as a prequel to L. Frank Baum's Oz novels, allowing the writers to do whatever the hell they want as long as it leads up to the events in The Wonderful Wizard Of Oz.  Filled with astonishingly beautiful visuals, great performances from all the witches and a wonderous score from Danny Elfman, you'd think it'd be enough.  Sadly, it falls short of the magic of the originals, drags it down with overly dull dialogue and a somewhat lacklustre performance from James Franco as the title character.  See it on the big screen while you can because on a television set nearly everything worth seeing will be lost.  

2½ yellowbrick potholes out of 5

THE BOURNE LEGACY [2012]

Jeremy Renner confidently steps into the Bourne franchise, in Tony Gilroy's The Bourne Legacy (oddly enough it's not based on the novel of the same name).

It certainly isn't as tightly wound as the first three films but it's got enough style, ridiculous, yet credible action scenes and chilled slick performances to make up for it.  

If anything, Renner proved that he is a worthy replacement to prevent the film from being called The Bourne Redundancy.  

3 Monroes in the mirror out of 5

THE BROTHERS BLOOM [2008]

Director Rian Johnson brings us the quirky and charming caper comedy The Brothers Bloom.

All four leads are fantastic, particularly Rachel Weisz who steals your heart with her social awkwardness  & childlike innocence.  It's a brightly colored & beautifully shot film that had me in awe from start to finish.  

It's not perfect but it's harmless good fun that had me grinning the entire time.

3½ "Brick" bars out of 5

Constantine (2005)

What it is vs. what it isn't? It isn't the comic onscreen. It has very little in common with the source material, and the blond Brit with the coat has become the dark-haired Keanu with the wrong coat. What they kept was the name and the cigarettes. Despite that, the film paints its own version of a world with confident strokes that feel believable even when things get mystical. It never strays into self-parody, and it never treats its subject matter as trite.
Ultimately, it's not the film I was expecting or hoping for, but it's one that justified its lack of faithfulness by being well-crafted. It deserved a sequel because the character had more to say.

3½ allegorical ant farms out of 5

The Mummy Returns (2001)

The addition of an irritating eight-year-old kid makes the sequel less fun, which seems ironic considering my justifications for loving the first one. I may have enjoyed it more if I was his age? No. He’s just irritating. The story is similar to the first one, except for when it's all over the place. It feels like a series of set pieces stitched together with thin plot thread that could break at any time. The returning cast members do their best to keep it fun and interesting. The Rock makes a very small cameo.

2½ retreads in shifting sands out of 5

The Mummy (1999)

Rick O'Connell finds the fabled lost City of Hamunaptra and soon the sand and the shit hit the fan in Hollywood blockbuster fashion. I should hate this but I don’t. I love it. The casting is excellent. It’s a big dumb action/adventure film, the kind of thing you’d want on a Saturday morning as a kid. That’s its greatest charm; it makes me feel like a kid with no expectations to disappoint. I just drink it in like fizzy juice. The bubbles make me belch and I chuckle. I would love a frolic through the prop dept.

3½ pip pip, I'll score it how I like out of 5

Dream House (2011)

Daniel Craig stars in this fascinating psychological thriller that blindsides you with a twist about halfway through and throws you for a loop as it enters mystery territory. Ultimately disappointing, but there are a lot of good ideas here. Could have been so much better.

2.5 The Shining-esque daughters out of 5