The Island (2005)

Even though it steals almost all of its ideas from some classic, well-known and much-loved sci-fi movies of yesteryear, the early part of Michael Bay's movie feels like it could've did something worthwhile with the pickings. But the potential is destroyed by his woefully inappropriate direction, cack-handed editing, a leading duo with zero chemistry, and a music score that aspires to little more than blandness. When the director lets loose with his trademark action scenes, including helicopters (naturally), cars tipping on busy highways, flashing lights, etc, it becomes Bay-by-numbers, indistinguishable from every other movie of his that I've managed to sit through. His talent for making excitement be terminally dull is almost unsurpassed.

1 identifier out of 5

THE LEGEND OF TARZAN [2016]

Director David Yates take a very brief break from the wizarding world of Hogwarts to visit the Lord of the Jungle in The Legend of Tarzan.
After years of living as a domesticated gentleman, Tarzan, along with his wife Jane, head back to the jungle to investigate some shady mining camps where his savage past creeps up on him, loin cloth and all.
It might be a fresh change from the usual summer aliens, robots and superheroes but Yates' film is an uninspired bore.  The characters are dull as dirt, the CGI is laughably artificial and Samuel L. Jackson's soul-brotha enunciation is awkwardly out of place.   Without a whole lot of rousing action sequences the glaring missteps are all the more apparent and hurt the clunky pacing even more.

2 adorable cat-ear hoodies out of 5

THE VATICAN TAPES [2015]

After three supremely shitty films in a row it seems the directing team known as Neveldine/Taylor have gone their separate ways to see how it all goes.
Brian Taylor's off working on Twisted Metal and it seems Mark Neveldine's dipping into found footage devil possession horror with The Vatican Tapes.
"Found footage devil possession horror" is all I have to say in order for you to completely understand the story from beginning to end.  We've all seen it before but the question is does Neveldine bring anything new to the table?
No.  Not really.  The first 2/3's of the film are pretty weak, aside from Olivia Dudley's startlingly great performance, however once we get to the obligatory exorcism finale things pick up with some wonderfully chaotic moments that shock to great effect.

2 things that perch, and sit, and nothing more out of 5

FURIOUS 7 [2015]

Horror movie director James Wan makes his first step into jaw-dropping actions films with the latest instalment of The Fast & The Furious franchise,  the tritely-titled Furious 7.
Dom, O'Connor & the rest of the family are back for, yet again, one last job, this time hilariously saving the world from Owen Shaw's nastier older brother.  Like it's predecessors, it lacks in brains, depth or a whole lot of thought-provoking substance but excels in ridiculous, but cheer-worthy action sequences, a sincere heart and an entertaining multicultural cast.  With Paul Walker's death looming over the film, it doesn't let up on the fun as the absurd action kicks into high-gear within seconds of the opening titles.  It's a surprisingly tasteful way to bid farewell to Walker's character, but, as of writing this, the film has passed the $1 billion mark at the box office which guarantees future rides from Diesel and the gang.

3½ Tokyo drifts out of 5

Seventh Son (2014)

Adapted from the children's novel The Spook's Apprentice, this epic fantasy tale follows Master Gregory (Jeff Bridges) as he trains a seventh son of a seventh son (Ben Barnes) in his monster-fighting ways. While fitting for such an eccentric character, Bridges muffled accent is utterly distracting. While Barnes fits the role of the over-zealous Tom Ward, his performance is somewhat stiff and bland. The master/apprentice interactions lacked a good amount of humor leaving many scenes dull. Surprisingly the CG heavy action scenes were the highlight. As the story takes place in a different realm it was fun learning some of the world's mysteries and meeting a good variety of its creatures, but overall the coming-of-age fantasy plot was pretty standard.

2 werebears out of 5

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY [2014]

Disney took a huge risk producing a big budget comic book movie based on a little known Marvel comic book.  They took even a bigger risk by enlisting the unhinged James Gunn to direct Chris Pratt in the lead role.
Fortunately Guardians Of The Galaxy succeeds in nearly every way possible.
The final film in Marvel's Phase Two before Avengers: Age Of Ultron, GOTG sets up for a larger story to be seen in Phase 3 but holds up well on it's own.  Gunn blends his trademark wackiness quite well into a comfy balance of humor, heart and action all neatly placed in the correct spots of the narrative to keep things in check.  It's a fast-paced wildly imaginative treat that feels like Farscape buggered The Fifth Element up the arse to the musical sounds of the 70's.

4 great heroes named Kevin Bacon out of 5

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2 [2014]

Picking up five years after the original film, Dean DeBlois continues the story of a boy and his dragon in the 2nd instalment of the How To Train Your Dragon trilogy. 
Without sacrificing any of the wide-eyed adventure, Dragon 2 explores some more serious themes of coming of age, war and family without getting boringly heavy-handed or spoon-fed to a younger audience.  It's enthusiastic flight scenes, voicework, music and beautiful scenery are all just as good as the original.  It might not amaze as much I would have liked but it certainly doesn't disappoint and I eagerly anticipate the third and final film.

3½ dragon-riders out of 5

GLADIATOR [2000]

Director Ridley Scott brings the historical epic drama back to the big screen in the hugely successful Gladiator.  

Russell Crowe does a fantastic job at portraying the larger-than-life lead role of Maximus while still scaling the character down to give him an every man feel.  With some extravagant sets & costumes, beautiful photography and hypnotizing score courtesy of Hans Zimmer & Lisa Gerrard, Gladiator sets out to entertain and it does so with jaw-dropping flair that will leave an impression for many years to come. 

4 wheat fields out of 5

The Tempest (2010)

An all-star cast, special effects, and a modern, rock tinged soundtrack (?) was not enough to save this snoozefest. In all fairness, I'm not really familiar with this play, but this movie did nothing to convince me otherwise. Russell Brand and Alfred Molina (as the two drunks) were great fun, but the rest bored me with their straitlaced interpretations. No offense to Shakespeare, but in my opinion the material was handled too blandly for contemporary audiences to properly digest.

1 save the text for the classroom out of 5