Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio (2022)

"Oh, the pain. Life is such hideous pain."

Guillermo del Toro brings us his longstanding vision of Pinocchio as a lovingly crafted stop-motion production with all the stops. It's a masterpiece of design and one of the best looking films I've seen all year. I like how it goes beyond the original story to show us how Geppetto was inspired to build the puppet. It has that classic story tale feeling, like the original 1940 Disney animation, but it adds a certain pathos and darkness that was missing from that film. I wasn't expecting to be quite so moved by the end of it. I think it's just wonderful.

4½ hourglasses out of 5

Mother, Couch (2023)

Some movies are so inscrutable, sometimes you just have to tackle it head on. Ewan McGregor, Rhys Ifans and Lara Flynn Boyle play estranged siblings whose mother (Ellen Burstyn) refuses to get up off the couch at a furniture store. No, this isn't some body horror/fusion-type deal. It's a 'thinker.'

If you sit to the end, the answers don't become much clearer. Its logic is ripped straight out of a fever dream. If I had to take a stab, I'd say this movie is about the process of letting go, moving on, or something or other. It just doesn't do a very good job of keeping its audience invested throughout. The performances are compelling, which is all that saves it from getting a much lower score.

2 dressers out of 5

The Island (2005)

Even though it steals almost all of its ideas from some classic, well-known and much-loved sci-fi movies of yesteryear, the early part of Michael Bay's movie feels like it could've did something worthwhile with the pickings. But the potential is destroyed by his woefully inappropriate direction, cack-handed editing, a leading duo with zero chemistry, and a music score that aspires to little more than blandness. When the director lets loose with his trademark action scenes, including helicopters (naturally), cars tipping on busy highways, flashing lights, etc, it becomes Bay-by-numbers, indistinguishable from every other movie of his that I've managed to sit through. His talent for making excitement be terminally dull is almost unsurpassed.

1 identifier out of 5

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST [2017]

Twilight: Breaking Dawn director Bill Condon faithfully adapts Disney's animated classic Beauty and the Beast into a live-action musical.
The story of a young woman who falls in love with a monstrous fella that lives within a magical castle keeps Alan Menken & Howard Ashman's iconic songs firmly intact much to the pleasure of fans of the original film.  However heavily auto-tuned Emma Watson's flat-lining performance is far too dull to equal the strength of her character's beliefs.  Dan Stevens does his best as the Beast underneath a heavy layer of poorly rendered CGI fur but it's simply never enough to ignore it's artificial look.  Thankfully Luke Evans & Josh Gad are entertaining bad-boy scene-stealers, while Ewan McGregor & Emma Thompson's voice-work an absolute delight.  For an extravagant musical the camerawork is an absolute bore that never quite elevates the film to majesty it should have been.  Close but no cigar.

2½ really annoying singing wardrobes out of 5

T2 TRAINSPOTTING [2017]

20 years later, director Danny Boyle returns to the Trainspotting world, loosely based off of Irvine Welsh's novel, Porno.
T2 sees the boys crossing paths again as they discovers old wounds don't always heal and there's always a new get-rich scheme to hatch when hard drugs are involved.
Obviously it doesn't come with the same cultural impact as the original film but it's certainly armed with far more emotional weight for those still heavily invested in it's characters.  There's plenty of callbacks to the original (with good reason), a wicked soundtrack and good laughs that all come together to produce a pretty solid sequel proving itself worthy to it's predecessor.  As depressing as it might be with it's "what the fuck have you done with your life" it also manages to be just as uplifting as well.  Time is a real prick-arsed cunt.

4 bathroom stall reunions out of 5

The Ghost (2010)

The 'ghost' of the title is of the writer variety, semi-reluctantly penning the memoirs of a former British Prime Minister at a time that coincides with a political and personal upheaval for the very public figure.
Polanski is a master of his craft and I feel that all the actors gave great performances with varying levels of subtlety, together achieving a believable kind of 'filmic harmony', but overall I just wasn't gripped by any of it. It's now a part of the 'watch once and pass onto someone else' stack of discs.
Strangely, what I'll remember most is the view through the PM's study window; the blustery beach environment with sporadic tufts of grass atop sandy dunes was in some way a kind of unspoken commentary on the life he was living.

2½ cures for insomnia out of 5

Blue Juice (1995)

Dramedy is often a synonym for crap, but occasionally something rises to the surface and exceeds expectations. Blue Juice is a film like that. It's about surfers but isn't set in California, it's set in Cornwall, the sticky-out bit at the SW of England. In place of sandy beaches are reefs, sharp and deadly. J.C and his friends spend their time semi-successfully dodging encroaching winds of change and responsibility while waiting for the waves. It has none of the resplendence of a Hollywood surf movie, but it has something much, much better - it has laughs and real heart.

3½ life-changing decisions out of 5

AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY [2013]

John Wells adapts Tracy Letts' dysfunctional family stageplay August: Osage County for the screen with a most impressive cast ensemble.
It's Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts who do most of the heavy lifting but it's hard to find a weak link in the bunch as each actor brings tragic dedication to their own role.  While there are some wickedly funny bits of dialogue throughout the film, I found this to be one of the saddest films of the year with it's story about a family falling to pieces after a funeral.  Each character gets their own introduction and since there are so many you start to wonder where it's all going after awhile until the middle of the film when it kicks into high gear.  With the addition of some painfully awkward and uncomfortably funny scenes, I'd watch it all over again just to pick each individual performance because there's so damned much going on at once.

4 catfish out of 5

BIG FISH [2003]

Tim Burton's most mature work to date, an adaptation of Daniel Wallace's novel Big Fish is a fantasy flavored Southern Gothic tear-jerker that is sure to please fans of the director's work.
Like most of Burton's personal films, he ditches the idea of a standard narrative and tells it like a fairy tale vingette layered over a bigger picture as the heart of the picture, almost like a zanier version of Forrest Gump.  It's themes of father & sons, the curious mysteries of a bigger world and determination for what you believe all join each other seamlessly and will form a lump in your throat as you realize this.  It relishes itself in fantasy and larger than life storytelling but never loses touch with reality enough to insult your intelligence or lose your belief in it all.

4 soles in Spectre out of 5

SHALLOW GRAVE [1994]

Danny Boyle's feature film debut, the darkly comedic thriller Shallow Grave was a strong indication of the great things to come from the stylish English film-maker.
Like a Hitchcockian character piece, Shallow Grave introduces us to three folks who think they're wonderful people until a large sum of money comes between them and exposes them as the monsters they are.  The plot is pretty simple but the character dissection and study isn't.  There's not a whole lot of background for the characters, mostly due to the quick pace and short running time, but they are so well cast you feel like you're already quite familiar with them.  A very promising start to Boyle's flourishing career.

3½ troll baby's out of 5

A LIFE LESS ORDINARY [1997]

The adorably malicious A Life Less Ordinary is director Danny Boyle's version of a romantic fantasy comedy.
There's guns, headshots, car wrecks, musical numbers, animation, robots, angels and bank robberies, in short, everything that makes a good rom-com.  Unfortunately after you're done taking this fun ride of a road trip you can't help but feel there never really was any point to it all.  No matter it's really just good fun without a lingering aftertaste or really nary an afterthought as well.

3 gravediggers out of 5

TRAINSPOTTING [1996]

Director Danny Boyle takes on the difficult task of adapting author Irvine Welsh's non-linear first novel Trainspotting and turns it into one of the best and more accurate films about hard drug addiction.  

It's a raw, grungy tale about betrayal, youth subculture and being imprisoned with too much freedom.  Boyle allows the film to seep into your nerves with a flashy soundtrack, captivating wide angles & colors, a cast of charismatic, yet seedy, characters and a narrative that gleefully threatens to derail itself with each corner it takes.   One of the defining time capsules of the mid '90's, Trainspotting is fun, nasty and not afraid to spit in your face.

4½ shitty beds out of 5

JACK THE GIANT SLAYER [2013]

Director Bryan Singer's Jack The Giant Slayer is an uneven fairy tale adventure film that borrows elements from Jack & The Beanstalk and Jack The Giant Killer then glazes it over with hokey CGI effects.
The performances are enthusiastically overacted with great effect and the special effects are artificial in such a way that benefits the fairy tale aspects of the story but it's all dragged down by a terribly boring yawn-worthy script that seemed to have no idea what it wanted to focus on.  It lacks personality, wit or charm and hurts everything in the worst of ways.  With a good script doctor, Jack could have been a silly wild ride with no regrets, instead it sputters and grasps for fresh air.

2 pigs-in-a-blanket out of 5

THE IMPOSSIBLE [2012]

Naomi Watts, Ewan McGregor and newcomer Tom Holland deliver some powerful performances in The Orphanage director Juan Antonio Bayona's The Impossible.

Following the story of a family separated during the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, the film never tugs at the heartstrings for the sake of drama but grounds itself in a reality that is all too frightening and emotionally draining.  A realistic retelling of a story about family, the will to survive, glimmers of hope and life & death that's tastefully done.

4 loose pages from a book out of 5

STAR WARS - EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH [2005]

The third installment of George Lucas' Star Wars saga, Revenge Of The Sith, is easily the best of the "prequel" trilogy.

Sure the hokey dialogue and flatlining acting is still firmly intact but it manages to pack in quite a powerful punch with it's melodrama and dazzling action sequences.  Visually the film is a masterpiece with it's solid colors and beautifully rendered backgrounds.  The final hour sends haunted chills down my spine as it's like watching your childhood's imagination being written before your very eyes.  It's great popcorn entertainment that doesn't end with a smile on it's face.

3 uber-aging out of 5

STAR WARS - EPISODE II - ATTACK OF THE CLONES [2002]

Hayden Christiansen pouts and then pouts some more as Anakin Skywalker in the 2nd installment of the Star Wars space opera, Attack Of The Clones.

It's a slight improvement (although light years dumber) from the first film in the action but suffers greatly from Christiansen & Natalie Portman's awkward acting and terribly written love scenes that make daytime soap operas look like Shakespeare.  Horrible moments aside, Clones returns to the fun side of Star Wars that make you feel like a wide-eyed little kid again.  One just wishes that George Lucas would stand back and allow someone else in the writers & director's seat.  Still, Christopher Lee with a lightsaber is pretty fucking cool.

2 Jar-Jar's Big Adventures out of 5

STAR WARS - EPISODE I - THE PHANTOM MENACE [1999]

The Phantom Menace, the first part of the Star Wars prequel trilogy, is widely considered a major dud by dedicated fans and with good reason. 

It's 2 ½ hours of a story that could have easily been wrapped up in a minute over the famous Star Wars title scroll, instead we're treated to a poorly written film about a not so intriguing taxes on trade dispute story.  A few entertaining action sequences keep you from completely nodding off but the hope for better acting, characters and dialogue is never met.  It becomes quite clear that the original trilogy's greatest strength was the chemistry and performances of it's core cast, which this film completely lacks, with the exception of Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor doing the best with what they have to work with.

1½  folks from Brodo Asogi out of 5

Solid Geometry (2002)

Phil inherits forty-one and a half volumes of his great-great grandfather's diaries and some bizarre objects in a box. His life takes a turn that neither he nor his irritating wife were expecting when he decides to decode the mathematics that he finds in the books. A weird little short that had the potential to be great but isn't.

2½ it's a penis in a jar out of 5

Moulin Rouge! (2001)

A nauseating clusterfuck of styles that steals from everywhere and is occasionally innovative. It has some very irritating editing that made me want to stab my own eyes. Like the rest of Baz's work it's much too ham-fisted to be watched often.

1½ style over substance out of 5

Perfect Sense (2011)

A chef (Ewan McGregor) meets cute with a scientist (Eva Green). Meanwhile, the world is afflicted by a strange disease that manifests itself as powerful emotions followed by the loss of senses, one by one. If Blindness and Contagion come to mind, then you're on the right track. Explores the power of human will and adaptation against the harshest conditions the world has to offer. This is the saddest, most hopeless romance I've ever seen.

5 fat 'n flour out of 5