Kiss of the Spider Woman (2025)

An adaptation of the 1992 stage musical, based on the 1976 novel (which was previously adapted into a film in 1985). In an Argentinian jail cell in 1983, a flamboyant man relays the story of his favorite movie to a political prisoner being held for questioning. These Technicolor sequences serve as a fanciful diversion from the stark horrors of prison life. Jennifer Lopez stands out as the titular character, which I enjoyed in contrast to the rest of this drab film. Unfortunately, it's a movie at war with itself that cannot be reconciled.

1½ pairs of shitty underpants out of 5

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST [2017]

Twilight: Breaking Dawn director Bill Condon faithfully adapts Disney's animated classic Beauty and the Beast into a live-action musical.
The story of a young woman who falls in love with a monstrous fella that lives within a magical castle keeps Alan Menken & Howard Ashman's iconic songs firmly intact much to the pleasure of fans of the original film.  However heavily auto-tuned Emma Watson's flat-lining performance is far too dull to equal the strength of her character's beliefs.  Dan Stevens does his best as the Beast underneath a heavy layer of poorly rendered CGI fur but it's simply never enough to ignore it's artificial look.  Thankfully Luke Evans & Josh Gad are entertaining bad-boy scene-stealers, while Ewan McGregor & Emma Thompson's voice-work an absolute delight.  For an extravagant musical the camerawork is an absolute bore that never quite elevates the film to majesty it should have been.  Close but no cigar.

2½ really annoying singing wardrobes out of 5

Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh (1995)

An unnecessary sequel to a film that had taken its plot as far as it could naturally go. The justification for its existence from a storytelling perspective seems to be that it offers an explanation for the use of a mirror in the summoning of Candyman and sheds illumination on his name.

The pompous prick from the first film returns. He's published a book on the subject and the events that occurred after Helen's digging. By doing so he not only keeps the Candyman myth alive but makes it more widespread.

Unfortunately, it commits one of the worst sins that a horror film can ever commit: it’s boring. Even the reused score cues fail to give some crucial scenes the special kind of aura they need to work.

2 witnesses out of 5

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2 [2012]

Bill Condon drags his feet into the director's chair for the final instalment of the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn Part 2.
What's up with that creep CGI little kid face?  I don't understand why they did that.  It's just wiggins.
The film needed more Michael Sheen.  He's so delightfully evil and is great fun to watch him chew up whatever scenes he was in.
...and the ending?  It was actually kind of cool and then [insert spoiler here].  Did they really resort to such a cop out?  Terrible.  Just terrible.
I have the trots because of it, which would explain the half-assed Nut I slapped together for this one.

2 go away scary baby face thing out of 5

THE TWILIGHT SAGA - BREAKING DAWN - PART 1 [2011]

Candyman II's Bill Condon takes an embarrassed seat in the director's chair for the first part of the film adaptation of the final Twilight book, Breaking Dawn: Part 1.
There's nothing bad I can say about this film that hasn't been said before.  45 LONG minutes of nothing but wedding & honeymoon with a few short lines of dialgoue to shove the plot even a bit forward.  I understand this is a romance but even romance can benefit from maybe even a little of advancement in the narrative.  You've been warned.

2 broken beds out of 5