THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2 [2012]

Bill Condon drags his feet into the director's chair for the final instalment of the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn Part 2.
What's up with that creep CGI little kid face?  I don't understand why they did that.  It's just wiggins.
The film needed more Michael Sheen.  He's so delightfully evil and is great fun to watch him chew up whatever scenes he was in.
...and the ending?  It was actually kind of cool and then [insert spoiler here].  Did they really resort to such a cop out?  Terrible.  Just terrible.
I have the trots because of it, which would explain the half-assed Nut I slapped together for this one.

2 go away scary baby face thing out of 5

THE TWILIGHT SAGA - BREAKING DAWN - PART 1 [2011]

Candyman II's Bill Condon takes an embarrassed seat in the director's chair for the first part of the film adaptation of the final Twilight book, Breaking Dawn: Part 1.
There's nothing bad I can say about this film that hasn't been said before.  45 LONG minutes of nothing but wedding & honeymoon with a few short lines of dialgoue to shove the plot even a bit forward.  I understand this is a romance but even romance can benefit from maybe even a little of advancement in the narrative.  You've been warned.

2 broken beds out of 5

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE [2010]

The third instalment of the popular Twilight films, Eclipse, brings on 30 Days Of Night director David Slade to give it a bit more *ahem* bite.
It's noticeably less mopey than the first two films, hell, I even laughed a few times with intentional humor.  Still the narrative drags it feet with long pointless scenes of teenage melodrama that could be wrapped up in less than 10 minutes rather than the 2 hour running time that it is.  Some of the vamp family gets a tad more interesting than before but never enough to distract from the intense yawns and urges to have a nap for the better half of the film.

2½ training montages out of 5

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON [2009]

The Golden Compass director Chris Weitz replaces Catherine Hardwicke & her horrendously boring direction for the second instalment of the uber-popular Twilight Saga, New Moon.

The film starts off with a potentially interesting concept but quickly kicks that into the dirt after 10 minutes and finds itself moping around for what seemed like a lifetime.  A breath of life is sloppily forced into the story taking a turn into something far more interesting about one hour into the film.  Michael Sheen is an absolute delight to watch in a small yet vital role which makes me want to see more of him.  I know I'm not a teenage girl and won't find much in this, but bad storytelling & filmmaking is just plain bad and I know for a fact there is far more better films out there for the insecure, broken emo girl looking for quality entertainment.

2 shirtless injuns who cut there silly long hair out of 5

TWILIGHT [2008]

Oh, sweet zombie Jesus.

Director Catherine Hardwicke does a shitty job at adapting Stephanie Meyer's first shitty tween romance/vampire novel, Twilight for the screen.  Robert Pattinson, who I normally like, wanders around like he doesn't give a shit (as it turns out he didn't).  Kristen Stewart who is great at playing insecure, broken characters is absolutely terrible at playing a "strong" protagonist.  Carter Burwell's score distracts like it was written for a 90's TV movie.  The stormy sky backdrop is quite nice and so is Peter Facinelli as a *lol* bleach blonde vampire doctor.

I know I'm not the target audience here but it can't be denied that tweenage girls can do so much better than this shitfest.  

2 smelly girls out of 5