Mother, Couch (2023)

Some movies are so inscrutable, sometimes you just have to tackle it head on. Ewan McGregor, Rhys Ifans and Lara Flynn Boyle play estranged siblings whose mother (Ellen Burstyn) refuses to get up off the couch at a furniture store. No, this isn't some body horror/fusion-type deal. It's a 'thinker.'

If you sit to the end, the answers don't become much clearer. Its logic is ripped straight out of a fever dream. If I had to take a stab, I'd say this movie is about the process of letting go, moving on, or something or other. It just doesn't do a very good job of keeping its audience invested throughout. The performances are compelling, which is all that saves it from getting a much lower score.

2 dressers out of 5

Robbie the Reindeer in Hooves of Fire (1999)

Robbie (son of Rudolph) wants to become one of Santa's reindeer, so he must compete in the Reindeer Games, an Olympics-like event, to prove his worth. Blitzen tries to sabotage him, while Robbie has eyes on his girlfriend, Vixen.

Created by Richard Curtis and with a distinctive Aardman-esque claymation style, it's the first of three Christmas specials that aired on BBC One across 1999-2007.

3 sexy reindeer with tits out of 5

Note: This special was released both in its original British format, and also an American dub, weirdly enough. I was only able to find the original language version, so I can't comment on the quality of the latter, but I have listed the US voice cast alongside the UK version for consistency.

Venom: The Last Dance (2024)

The third and final film in the Venom trilogy (The Nutshell is a bit behind) continues the saga of Eddie Brock and the alien symbiote which has attached itself to him. The latest threat is a Xenophage who hunts Venom and attempts to separate him from his host forever. As always with these films, the charm lies in the complex relationship and back and forth arguments that arise between Eddie and his apparent split personality (also voiced by Tom Hardy). However, all the CGI extravaganza stuff just bores me at this point. I enjoy these movies so much more as buddy comedies than superhero action flicks.

2½ Venom horses out of 5

ALICE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS [2016]

Director James Bobin spits out the colorful fantasy adventure Alice Through the Looking Glass, the sequel no one asked for to Tim Burton's live-action Disney remake of Alice in Wonderland.
Completely ignoring any thematic reasons as to why a looking glass was a part of the story in the first place, the story follows Captain Alice (?) as she steals a time-traveling object from Time in order to save a dying Mad Hatter.
I didn't think they could suck the soul out of the story anymore than they did with the first film but this one does a mighty fine job of it, while trying to hide the fact behind beautiful imagery with loads of Disney money piled on top of it.  Johnny Depp, Anne Hathaway & Helena Bonham Carter might have been the highlights of the original but here they seem bored, embarrassed and almost as if their minds are wandering elsewhere.  It's the kind of shit that easily passes through the body and falls into the toilet to be forgotten within moments after wiping your ass of this slop.

1 Hatter family member out of 5

PASSION PLAY [2010]

Screenwriter Mitch Glazer (screenwriter of Scrooged, Rock the Kasbah, A Very Murray Christmas...you sensing a pattern here?) makes his directorial debut by shitting the bed something fierce with the romantic fantasy Passion Play.
Mickey Rourke clumsily stumbles through the film as a loser straggler that finds himself tangled up in a dangerous relationship with a beautiful circus sideshow girl with wings.
It wants to be a deep, meaningful journey into a quirky world that is both dark and romanticized but instead it's a laughable pile of cornball slop that I heard best described as "Hallmark noir".  It's one of those films I kept asking "how and why is this movie happening?"
There's so awful you have to see it, then there's this clusterfuck which is just so awful even YouTube doesn't want a "worst bits clips" video.

 ½ desert ninja savior out of 5

HARRY POTTER & THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: PART 1 [2010]

Harry Potter & his wand-fondling pals reach the beginning of the end in the 7th installment of the popular film franchise, director David Yates' The Deathly Hallows: Part 1.
The gang are on the search for pieces of Lord Voldemort's soul to render him mortal again and defeat him once and for all.
Wisely splitting the final book into two parts seems like a bit much but with the amount of material that needed to be covered to do the series justice, it proves to be more than just a cheap way for the studio to squeeze out every last penny it can.  The consequences are dire and we definitely feel it through the dread, dreariness and dark passages that weave through the startlingly stark but beautiful visuals.  Non-fans of the series will be completely lost but if you're not into the series already how the hell did you get here anyway?  There's a complete lack of humor which sucks out a bit of the fun and when it does try to be funny it's rather distracting.  Not the perfect Potter film but it gets the audience ready for the grand finale.

3½ Bad Seeds out of 5

HANNIBAL RISING [2007]

Director Peter Webber tackles the Hannibal Lecter film series with the painfully dull origin film Hannibal Rising.
It casts French actor Gaspard Ulliel as an annoyingly smug Lecter who seems to try to hard to balance creepy with what I suspect is supposed to be intelligence.  He's terrible.  Just terrible.  It's got an impressive supporting cast who are all put to complete waste with this snail-paced script that doesn't even attempt to do anything remotely interesting.
It picked up some well-deserved Golden Razzie nominations but ultimately lost to the much more entertaining I Know Who Killed Me and Daddy Day Camp.

1 peck on the cheek out of 5

THE FIVE-YEAR ENGAGEMENT [2012]

Director Nicholas Stoller adds another predictable yet charming funny film to his resume with the romantic comedy The Five-Year Engagement.

The chemistry between Jason Segel and Emily Blunt is great and never gets too mushy, with the help of some great supporting roles from Chris Pratt and Alison Brie.  With enough laughs and down-to-earth situations the film is a pretty safe bet for anyone that vomits at the the mere mention of rom-coms and needs something with just enough flair and attitude to ease the pain. 

3 Bunny Days out of 5

MR. NOBODY [2009]

Belgium director Jaco Van Dormael takes pages out the Terrence Malick school of film-making in the slow-burning sci-fi Mr. Nobody.

At the core, it's a story about choices and the different paths they can lead to, on the surface it's about the last mortal man on Earth dying at the age of 118 and recounting his life.  Making careful use of colors, humour, music and several different  philosophies, Mr. Nobody at times is quite thoughtful and intriguing.  At others, it's a bit too artsy for it's own good and becomes tiresome in several patches.  

However if you have the patience for such a film (over 2½ hours), it is well worth seeking out.

3½ primary colors out of 5

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN [2012]

Aside from the point that director Marc Webb's take on Spidey is far too soon after Sam Raimi's hit & miss series of films, The Amazing Spider-Man is a most welcome addition to this decade's run of comic book adaptations.

Webb's confident direction and the impressive cast, particularly Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone, give the film a bigger heart, funnier & sharper dialogue, a more emotional impact and an underlying darker edge compared to the previous Raimi efforts.  Unfortunately the main villain is a bit of a snooze and there's a scenes that do nothing but serve as "pop song" moments that hurt the narrative flow a bit.  We've seen it all before but that's all right, granted there's more on the way...'cuz it's really going to hurt come Gwen Stacy's *spoiler*...as if you don't all ready know, True Believer.  

4 non-great powers or responsibilities out of 5

Anonymous (2011)

What a piece of garbage. The trailer had me hyped because I thought it was going to be some sort of mystery-of-the-ages thing like with The Da Vinci Code, but it was just a load of fabricated nonsense. Yes, its plot is entirely plausible, but that doesn't make it any less snoozeworthy. Maybe I just don't like "historical" dramas. One long, boring piece of quasi-entertainment that I do not soon plan to revisit.

1 nom de plume out of 5