Spider-Man: Brand New Day (2026)

Following the big spoiler at the end of No Way Home, Peter Parker is going through some pretty dramatic ch-ch-ch-changes. Meanwhile, he faces off against a powerful adversary who appears to be able to jump into different human hosts at will. It's your traditional comic book story involving heroes struggling to fulfill their purpose while overcoming great adversity, except this time everyone is firing on all cylinders (Punisher included). As always, humanity defines these characters, and at the heart of it, it's a warm, gentle story. I have nothing cynical to add. This is just a great Spider-Man adventure.

4 premature webshots out of 5

Note: Next up for our crew? Avengers: Doomsday, in time for Christmas 2026.

SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING [2017]

Clown director Jon Watts is curiously given the big order of bringing Spidey fully into the MCU with the John Hughes inspired Spider-Man: Homecoming.
Wasting no time with an origin story, the film dives right into the action with a band of criminals use the alien wreckage from The Avengers' New York battle to become a threat that might be too big for Spidey to handle on his own.
By ignoring the Uncle Ben story there's little tragedy to flesh out the character of Peter Parker and instead it opts to focus more on his struggles a "normal" teenager.  Apart from this major flaw the film is purely entertaining popcorn escapism in fine form with one of the MCU's best villains to date.

3½ Cappy America Public Service Announcements out of 5

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2 [2014]

The Amazing Spider-Man director Marc Webb returns for the second part in what is proposed to be a quadrilogy.
Joined by Fringe & LOST writers Alex Kurtzman, Robert Orci & Jeff Pinkner, Webb expands the relationship between Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy into something much more flourishing and even more heartfelt than the original film.  With the heart of the story in place, comic book films need some worthy villains and that's where things get a little jumbled up.  Jamie Foxx and Dane DeHaan do a fine job at portraying the main baddies, Electro and Green Goblin, but it's the gaggle of other villains slipping in through the cracks that confuse things a bit, some are slapped right in your face, while others might only go noticed by comic book nerds.  It's a little unfocused plotwise but carries a heavier emotional weight that many felt was void from the first film.

3 Inter-web designs out of 5

Spider-Man 3 (2007)

The promise of the Venom symbiote entering the Spidey world got fans in a fap-tizzy prior to the release of film number three, myself included, but it's a huge disappointment. It appears from nowhere and has no motivation. Elsewhere some new characters are similarly devoid of back-story to leave more time for lengthy action scenes that'll please the action junkie or your twelve-year-old niece. Peter has some excellent scenes in a film that almost got the square button half-way through.

2 pills for Jameson out of 5

Spider-Man 2.1 (2004)

The first of the Spidey sequels strives to be more mature and less comic-booky in approach. Peter is dealing with his emotions in the aftermath of the first film. His movements while in costume are confident. His life out of costume is complicated. It's a more engaging story. The baddie is menacing while retaining a certain amount of relatable, human flaws. Even ninety percent of the action sequences are good times. And best of all there's less needy-whore Mary Jane. Director Raimi has fun with a hospital scene that'll have Evil Dead fans smiling and clapping with one hand.

4 sticky wrists out of 5

Spider-Man (2002)

High school science nerd by day, costumed superhero without pockets by night, Peter Parker has the worst of both worlds. The balance of action and characterisation could be better, but it's still damn good fun.
Casting is the biggest problem. Tobey Maguire is good as Peter, and J. K. Simmons is the perfect personification of J. Jonah Jameson, but the rest of the cast are either simmering just above average or downright irritating. If viewed as an essential set-up for the next film, it's easier to forgive its flaws.

3 reasons I'd let that bitch fall out of 5

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN [2012]

Aside from the point that director Marc Webb's take on Spidey is far too soon after Sam Raimi's hit & miss series of films, The Amazing Spider-Man is a most welcome addition to this decade's run of comic book adaptations.

Webb's confident direction and the impressive cast, particularly Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone, give the film a bigger heart, funnier & sharper dialogue, a more emotional impact and an underlying darker edge compared to the previous Raimi efforts.  Unfortunately the main villain is a bit of a snooze and there's a scenes that do nothing but serve as "pop song" moments that hurt the narrative flow a bit.  We've seen it all before but that's all right, granted there's more on the way...'cuz it's really going to hurt come Gwen Stacy's *spoiler*...as if you don't all ready know, True Believer.  

4 non-great powers or responsibilities out of 5

Spider-Man XXX: A Porn Parody (2011)

One of the few times I fast-forwarded through the naughty bits to get to the "action." There are a few "lulz" moments, such as Electro electrocuting a girl to death with his cum, or the inevitable upside down BJ scene. Also, a Gwen Stacy and Mary Jane lesbian scene and Spider-Man being chastised by Black Widow for coming too fast.

I can just imagine some poor kid rifling through his dad's underwear drawer, finding this DVD and thinking, "Oh boy! Spider-Man!"...then being traumatized for the rest of his fucking life.

1 Sling of Web-Cum out of 5 (2 if I were younger still)