The Odyssey (2026)

Two things:

1) This is the best version of Homer's Odyssey ever committed to film.

2) This is far from the best telling of this story.

No one was less excited about this movie than me. Even with Chris Nolan at the helm, a 3-hour epic based on a 3,000-year-old text is a big ask. I'm glad to be proven wrong. Matt Damon leads the big budget, all-star cast as Odysseus. Following a 10-year battle in Troy, it details his 10-year journey to get back home to Ithaca, told confusingly out of order. It's Greek mythology conveyed through grounded realism, captured practically for the most part on real-life locations. In order to emphasize its epic scale, it's also the first feature to be shot entirely on 70mm IMAX film, which comes with its own set of caveats. I found the colors on screen to be a bit drab and the sound mixing is absolutely horrendous. I watched it in IMAX, and for half the film the entire theater was rumbling, making it even harder to decipher dialogue. It's an all-out assault on the senses, although it makes the quieter moments stand out. No one would ever accuse Nolan of being a bad director, but he tends to be a little self-indulgent at times. However, there are moments here where you are held at rapt attention. As a fan of cinema, you owe it to yourself to check it out on the biggest screen possible, even though I still maintain it's far from perfect. 

4 gods defied out of 5

Note: If you enjoyed this modern retelling, I highly recommend The Return, which focuses on the final part of this story. 

Spider-Man: Brand New Day (2026)

Following the big spoiler at the end of No Way Home, Peter Parker is going through some pretty dramatic ch-ch-ch-changes. Meanwhile, he faces off against a powerful adversary who appears to be able to jump into different human hosts at will. It's your traditional comic book story involving heroes struggling to fulfill their purpose while overcoming great adversity, except this time everyone is firing on all cylinders (Punisher included). As always, humanity defines these characters, and at the heart of it, it's a warm, gentle story. I have nothing cynical to add. This is just a great Spider-Man adventure.

4 premature webshots out of 5

Note: Next up for our crew? Avengers: Doomsday, in time for Christmas 2026.

The Drama (2026)

Over drinks, two couples discuss what's the "worst thing" they've ever done, leading to a major revelation and falling out among the soon-to-be-married couple. The whole movie revolves around the severity of this hypothetical scenario, which I found overblown and unable to sustain the tension of its entire runtime. For a film predicated on a 'really bad thing' that took place in the past, it presupposes that people can't change and can never be trusted again. Honestly, I didn't even find it that big of a deal in the first place.

2 pantsings out of 5

Challengers (2024)

Challengers, aka "that tennis threesome movie," tells the story of a tennis prodigy (Zendaya) and her back-and-forth relationship between two competitive players who volley for her affections over the course of a 13-year period. The material is directed with kinetic style and grace by Luca Guadagnino (Call Me By Your Name) along a thumping techno score by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross. This film is certainly competent and an entertaining piece of escapism, but it fails to elicit the kind of response from me that it seems to have had on the culture at large. It's good, but let's not get too crazy.

3 wild cards out of 5

Dune: Part Two (2024)

Picking up more or less where the first entry left off, we're treated to...more fucking sand. Timothée Chalamet and Zendaya make great decorative scenery against the bleak, unforgiving landscape, but the real highlight of this episode is the epic sandworm taming scene. I honestly found the majority of this film boring, and—surprise, surprise—we're left with yet another cliffhanger at the end of a three-hour snooze fest. Will they even make a Dune Messiah at this point? Who knows...it takes so long for them to come out with these movies, I doubt I'll even care by then. Sorry, it just wasn't for me. 

2½ sandworm goatses out of 5

Dune (2021)

People love these movies, but I can't stand them. I find them pretentious as fuck. Still, the VFX are nice and the direction is accomplished beautifully by Denis Villeneuve. Maybe what annoys me the most is how long they are. Do we really need to devote 2½ hours to approximately one half of a novel? It travels at a leisurely snail's pace, but maybe that's the point. And there's sand, sand everywhere. It's like Tatooine: The Movie. Personally, I thought the 1984 version was superior, because at least it told a "complete" story. I'm being generous here with my rating because I don't want the fanboys to come after me.

3 stillsuits circulating your own urine out of 5