The Odyssey (1997)

Odysseus sets off with his crew to conquer Troy at the beginning of an epic fantastical adventure set in a world of gods and monsters. What I like about this adaptation is that it tells the story in chronological order (unlike Homer), which makes it easier to follow along on the trials and tribulations of its hero's journey, and also helps to hammer home how long and plodding this voyage lasts. I would argue this two-part made-for-TV movie has a bit too much fluff added to pad its 3-hour runtime, but it's probably the most faithful regarding its content. Unfortunately, you can feel the constraints of the budget which hinders its overall vision, while the cheesy special effects easily date it.

2½ Nobodies out of 5

The Cable Guy (1996)

In a sharp turn from his earlier roles, Jim Carrey embraces the darkness in this satirical black comedy about a lonely cable guy who becomes obsessed when one of his customers (Matthew Broderick) bribes him for free cable, and inserts himself into his life, upturning it in every way. Critically reviled at the time of its release, it's since attained a cult following and showcases Carrey's unique ability to turn on a dime. It's much better than I gave it credit for at the time.

3½ CABLE GUBLAHS out of 5

Babylon (2022)

Damien Chazelle (La La Land) directs this epic historical black comedy about Hollywood's rocky transition from silent film to "talkies" in the late 1920s. And particularly, just how difficult an adjustment that was for certain performers.

I thought it was beautiful, in a frenetic, drug-addled way. I love how it tells the evolution of film history in a much darker fashion than Singin' in the Rain ever could back in 1952. It celebrates the wild excesses of a time long gone by as a very entertaining fever dream with great original music (by La La Land's Justin Hurwitz) throughout. It's not as personal a story as The Fabelmans, but it's just as relevant to understanding the ways the world has changed over the past century. It's about those who came before us and those who will be there after us. I found it existential amidst all the crazy orgies and bodily fluids.

4 "it girls" out of 5

The Prophecy II (1998)

A direct-to-video sequel that nevertheless managed to lure Walken back into the role of Gabriel. We met just a few of the heavenly host previously, so we also get to meet more of those guys, with varying degrees of success.
It's a more action-driven experience than before, and at just 75 minutes in length (excluding credits) it feels more punchy too. But the semi-successful introspection of before has been lessened, resulting in a flick that's more comic-booky, more throwaway and altogether less ambitious.
I should probably give it points for the limited amount of philosophising about notions of love and free will that it did include, though.
I liked Brittany Murphy's character. She was slotted into an existing space, but the black comedy somehow worked better with her.

2½ hearts in hand out of 5

Race Against Time (2000)

James Gabriel needs money if he's to pay his son's medical bills. If he doesn't find the cash promptly then the boy will die. It's the future, so there are ways, but there are also consequences – the big business type!
Without changing a single thing in the screenplay, if RAT had been made by someone like Cameron or Scott and starred whoever flavour of the month is at Hollywood Towers then it would've made millions at the summer box office; not because those guys are considered better directors than Geoff Murphy, but because it would've received more hype and more distribution. The script has everything in it that a typical, cleverer than usual, summer science fiction blockbuster has – even an amped-up action movie ending that sullies most of what came before it. As it exists, by TV standards, which is where it found a home, it's a better than average flick.

3 resource bracelets out of 5

A Halloween Puppy (2012)

aka Magic Puppy / The Great Halloween Puppy Adventure

When you’re greeted with 3 minutes of the most on-the-nose Windows Movie Maker credits known to man—and sent off with 8 comprised of re-used clips—in an issuance that’s only 77 minutes to begin with, you know you’re in for a treat. If you’ve seen A Talking Cat!?!, you’ll know what to expect, as this is basically a prequel. Everything is here, from the house, to the excessive b-roll footage of water, to the day-for-night shots. Dollar Store Halloween decorations are used for the transitions, people! You know who’s great to bring along on your romantic getaway with your boyfriend? Your son! I especially like how Cindy Brady claims that virtually no one can help with this cockamamy Eric Roberts-as-a-dog situation, but then does just that seconds later.

If you want to hear him say goofy shit, I guess…no. Don’t Don’t.

0½ of a Tara Reid Soundalike out of 5

Nutted by NEG.

A TALKING CAT!?! [2013]

David DeCoteau wisely hides under the guise of Mary Crawford as the director of the undeniably shit-sational A Talking Cat!?!
Duffy (meticulously portrayed by Squeaky the Cat) has the power of slurred speech so he uses it to help a pack of human waste come together.
Nobody in this movie acts or talks like a normal human being, leading me to believe Squeaky was the mastermind behind this baffling script that seems like it's 40% of overly long establishing shots.  Eric Roberts as the voice of Duffy, sounds so defeated in life I wonder how often he could be found crying in the bathroom in between takes.
Besides it's unintentional homo-erotic undertones and the fact that it's clearly filmed on the set of gay porn films, the movie is pretty safe for the kidlets.  That's if you need to rapidly dissolve their unsuspecting brains into a quivering puddle of feline diarrhea.

1 cheese puff out of 5

The Ambulance (1990)

A woman (Janine Turner) is lifted into the back of an ambulance from a busy New York street in broad daylight, but she never arrives at the hospital. Comic book artist Josh's (Eric Roberts) day job doesn't give him the skills needed to figure out why, but he investigates, nevertheless.
It would be an average thriller if not for the sarcastic wit of almost everyone involved. It gives it a special quality. For that reason, when the script goes directly from sinister to blackly comedic it never feels out of place. You expect laughs from Red Buttons, but James Earl Jones does it equally as well.
It's strange that Megan Gallagher isn't featured on the cover, because she plays a larger role than some of the people who are and she plays it faultlessly. Ultimately, it's a well-cast movie and an enjoyable watch.

3 white coats out of 5

L.A. SLASHER [2015]

Director Martin Owen's L.A. Slasher is a long out-dated, dim-wit attempt at an edgy satirical bite at everything that's wrong with modern pop culture.
A masked serial killer is driven by the trash that is today's entertainment business which includes reality TV "stars", socialite's famous for being famous, auto-tune drenched pop acts, social media celebrities who live by the Law of the Selfie, etc. etc.
With a tightly sculpted script with razor-sharp dialogue this might have worked (15 years ago) but sadly it has none of that and comes off as just as hollow as the crap it's trying to dissect.  Maybe that's the point?  Another example of what I like to call 'Natural Born Killers syndrome'.
Had this been funny, scary or gory it might attract a cult-like audience but there's none of that either and instead it just sits and makes me wonder who this was made for.

½ a teen mom starlet out of 5

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3: FINAL SEQUENCE [2015]

Director Tom Six completes his Human Centipede trilogy with the utterly distasteful Final Sequence.
Dieter Laser & Laurence R. Harvey return from the previous films as a repulsive prison warden and his assistant  who decide it'd be fun to turn their inmates into the largest human centipede ever.  The film is filled all sorts of racism, misogyny, homophobia and enough shots of the American flag to make you wonder if Six is attempting to make some sort of a statement.  One expects to be offended and/or disgusted but should expect some sort of entertaining creativity, instead of this dull-witted schlock.  It takes so long to get to the centipede itself, you're left wondering if you're even in the right film.  Someone needs to smack some acting skills into Laser, because it's not even funny how annoyingly bad he is here.  With some imagination or smarts, Six could have used his lack of acting skills to the film's advantage but instead he just lets this shit happen.  In all honesty, one will probably find staring at the final word of this review more entertaining than the film itself.
the.

½ a pickled clit out of 5

INHERENT VICE [2014]

Director Paul Thomas gets on high on the weird-o-meter with Inherent Vice, a comedic crime-drama based on Thomas Pynchon's novel of the same name.
Narrated by musician Joanna Newsom, a stoner P.I. named Doc finds he's taken a case that completely spirals out of his control amidst a cast of characters even stranger than he is.  Planted deep into 1970's California, the film has a psychedelic noir-ish feel to it as if it were The Big Lebowski's evil twin with it's back-drop heavily influenced by the paranoia of the Manson Family murders.  There's not a whole lot of sense to be made out of this incredibly confusing psychedelic noir but it's unsettling humor, fantastic music, wildly bizarre performances and hypnotizing character interactions make it so damned engaging I didn't want it to end.

4 Pussy Menus out of 5

CHILLERAMA [2011]

Chillerama is a horror/comedy anthology centered about a drive-in theater showing a series of monster b-movies in it's final night of business.
It centers around director Joe Lynch's Zom-B-Movie that features some of the most hilarious penis-chomping, cum guzzling zombie kills I've seen in awhile.  While Adam Green's gut-wrenchingly funny The Diary Of Anne Frankenstein pushes the boundaries of good taste right off a cliff.  However it's Tim Sullivan's homosexual lycanthropes in I Was A Teenage Werebear and Adam Rifkin's murderous sperm in Wadzilla that lessens the fun by being just plain bad no matter how wild the imagination is.

2½ collective explosions of hot moist madness out of 5

Lovelace (2013)

A biopic of infamous knob-gobbler Linda Lovelace. It's bookended by before and after, but mostly covers her time spent in the porn industry. It captures the look of the era but lacks any real spark elsewhere.
The main focus of the story is in showing the manipulative nature of the relationship between the two leads, Linda and her husband Chuck. They're the only characters with any real depth, and even then it's the shallow end of the pool. It's a shame Robert Patrick got so little screen time; his understated performance was one of the highlights. Amanda Seyfried carried the film the rest of the time and looked beautiful throughout. Peter Sarsgaard oozed sleazy and looked like documentary filmmaker Morgan Spurlock's evil twin.

2½ freckles out of 5

Doctor Who: The Movie (1996)

A joint UK and US production set in San Francisco (but filmed in Canada) that was intended to kick-start an American approved version of Dr Who. Paul McGann takes on the role of the eighth Doctor and other than the title music and iconic TARDIS exterior he's the only aspect of it that feels like it belongs. The shift in style to a more 'serious drama' and a misguided pandering to the target audience meant it was stripped of almost everything that had made the original TV venture interesting in the interesting in the first place.
I'm glad it didn't go to series but also saddened that McGann didn't get another proper shot at the role onscreen, because he'd the skills to make it work.

1½ jelly babies out of 5

Spun (2002)

A drug culture movie that squanders a large part of its potential in trying to be edgy and off-kilter. A little restraint in the editing dept and more faith in the actors, all of whom seem very at home in their role, would've helped Spun feel less like an attempt to mimic Aronofsky.
Beneath the noise the spiralling narrative and the sharp cuts are some quiet moments that feel like a respectful nod to Linklater. It's during those scenes that the film has more to say than at any other time.

3 days speeding out of 5

THE EXPENDABLES [2010]

Sylvester Stallone recruits a who's who list of other 80's action stars to kick some ass along side modern action stars.  The premise sounds like a healthy shot of guilty pleasure testosterone.

Only it's not.

Instead it tests the viewer's ability to not find something else better to do.  So many frustrating moments of half-baked action that could have at least resorted to some sort of interesting cliched conflict but never pans out into anything other than grunts & snorts over CGI blood.
Feck this wasted opportunity.

1½ for 3 cool fight scenes out of 5

THE DARK KNIGHT [2008]

Chris Nolan's Batman Begins sequel, The Dark Knight, joins that small league of film sequels that are just as good or even better than the original.
It's essentially a fast-paced study of the psyche of good and evil and the blurry lines between them and then masked as a vastly large action film with some wonderful performances to boot.
It does lack in heart and emotional impact in quite a few spots but makes up for it in the powerful conclusion. The story takes a few pointless turns into useless complications but quickly steer away from them and it keeps on charging full steam ahead.
Heath Ledger disappears into the role as The Joker, which sadly overshadows Aaron Eckhart's wonderful performance as District Attorney Harvey Dent.
Sit back and enjoy for this is popcorn entertainment at some of it's finest.

4 Heat montages out of 5