Eating Miss Campbell (2022)

Beth is a 17-year-old vegan goth girl obsessed with dark things like death and suicide, who wants to escape the recurring horror movie of her life. Her recent outbursts have taken to biting people, while she takes a shining to her English teacher, Miss Campbell. The film itself tries to be a hyper self-aware, satirical dark comedy like Heathers, but the constant, sarcastic meta-commentary and cynicism on display is frequently obnoxious and quickly becomes exhausting.

1½ erotophonophilia out of 5

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3: FINAL SEQUENCE [2015]

Director Tom Six completes his Human Centipede trilogy with the utterly distasteful Final Sequence.
Dieter Laser & Laurence R. Harvey return from the previous films as a repulsive prison warden and his assistant  who decide it'd be fun to turn their inmates into the largest human centipede ever.  The film is filled all sorts of racism, misogyny, homophobia and enough shots of the American flag to make you wonder if Six is attempting to make some sort of a statement.  One expects to be offended and/or disgusted but should expect some sort of entertaining creativity, instead of this dull-witted schlock.  It takes so long to get to the centipede itself, you're left wondering if you're even in the right film.  Someone needs to smack some acting skills into Laser, because it's not even funny how annoyingly bad he is here.  With some imagination or smarts, Six could have used his lack of acting skills to the film's advantage but instead he just lets this shit happen.  In all honesty, one will probably find staring at the final word of this review more entertaining than the film itself.
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½ a pickled clit out of 5

The Human Centipede II [Full Sequence] (2011)

I wasn't sure what to expect with this one. I went into it blindly and emerged somewhat surprised. First off, it's presented in black-and-white, which only enhances its creepiness factor. The portly dwarf character who lives with his mother and is obsessed by the original movie is a far cry from Norman Bates, but I couldn't help but draw comparisons. Not much else goes on apart from endless vicious sado-masochistic torture, but it did succeed in making me feel mostly uncomfortable, which I think is a smashing success.

3 sandpaper handjobs out of 5