Evil Head (2012)

"I'll swallow your pole!"

In this case, when the girls get possessed, they become insatiably horny. Doesn't seem like such a bad deal to me. Just throw a bag over their head and you're good to go. If you've ever wanted to see a girl get double penetrated by a tree (and like it), this is your movie. Ash's hand becomes possessed after he fingers her, etc. There's red-dyed Karo corn syrup everywhere, which must make it pretty sticky with all the lube and juices. 

Tommy Pistol plays Ash Williams, and he's the perfect goofy jackass to do it. He has the right physicality and sometimes copies Bruce Campbell's moves beat for beat. The parody material is fun, but sadly, the sex scenes are very boring. I hate when the parody acting stops and it becomes a straight porno. It's more fun when they stay in character the whole time. It's entertaining apart from the overly drawn out sex scenes, ironically enough.

Features a fun brief voice cameo by Lloyd Kaufman as the voice on the tape. Which just goes to show they know who their built-in audience is.

2 Necronomicum ex Mortis out of 5

Note: There is an unrelated movie sequel called Evil Head: Dead by Dong, which I couldn't find, but it's a great fucking title.

Eating Miss Campbell (2022)

Beth is a 17-year-old vegan goth girl obsessed with dark things like death and suicide, who wants to escape the recurring horror movie of her life. Her recent outbursts have taken to biting people, while she takes a shining to her English teacher, Miss Campbell. The film itself tries to be a hyper self-aware, satirical dark comedy like Heathers, but the constant, sarcastic meta-commentary and cynicism on display is frequently obnoxious and quickly becomes exhausting.

1½ erotophonophilia out of 5

Shakespeare's Shitstorm (2020)

AKA: #ShakespearesShitstorm

Troma, ever obsessed with the works of Shakespeare, takes on The Tempest. A cruise full of social media influencers and the heads of a pharmaceutical company get caught in a storm of whale diarrhea (just go with it) to trap the corrupt elites in the shithole of Tromaville, New Jersey, where Prospero can take his revenge. Thankfully, Troma hasn't lost its edge, as it takes on "woke" culture and subjects social justice warriors to a taste of their own medicine, devolving into the typical showcase of gross-out humor and cheesy effects.

It tries hard to outdo itself, but mostly ends up capsizing under the pressure.

2½ cocks with a cock out of 5

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

It's a fast food chicken restaurant built over an ancient Indian burial ground that spawns foul zombie fowl when consumers eat the contaminated product. Or something like that. Troma films are notoriously hard to sum up succinctly. Oh yeah, and it's also a musical! But really, it's all just an excuse for a series of nauseating special effects on display featuring all manner of bodily fluids. It's completely in bad taste and relishes in it. Not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach. It lives up to Troma's reputation as an equal opportunity offender.

3 chicken cocks out of 5

Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. (1990)

American cop Harry Griswold inadvertently receives kabuki powers from a dying man, transforming him into a slapstick superhero with unconventional methods. Troma's OTHER famous crusader only got one solo film, but has been featured in marketing and promotional materials throughout the last 30 years. 

Is this movie insensitive to Japanese culture? Maybe, but it was commissioned by Namco Japan and it's filled with Troma's trademark over-the-top silliness which makes it hard to take seriously. It can only be measured by other Troma films, and by those low standards, it's good fun. Also, the theme song is a bop. 

3 sushi rolls out of 5

Note 1: The infamous Troma car flip originated from this movie, being reused in dozens of Troma films in increasingly ridiculous ways to save on costs.

Note 2: This was released in both PG-13 "family friendly" and R-rated "Troma" versions to appease the mainstream producers. Why would you even bother?

Troma's War (1988)

AKA: 1,000 Ways to Die

A bunch of Tromavillians get in a plane wreck on a deserted island filled with terrorists, where the survivors must band together to fend for their lives. It's a pretty straight action-thriller, with the trademark Troma cheese and gore. I've never really thought much of this film, but it's a nice showcase for cheap '80s practical effects, full of blood, guts and tits (not necessarily in that order).

1½ AIDS brigades out of 5

Note: The R-rated version was hacked to pieces; the unrated adds 15 minutes.

Return to Nuke 'Em High: Volume 2 (2017)

AKA: Return to Return to Nuke 'Em High

It's unusual for a series to get better as it goes on, but here is a prime example of the final entry being the best. Lloyd Kaufman gives it all he's got in a tribute to past and present and throws everything including the kitchen sink into this. Continuity has never been Troma's strong point and this film gets increasingly more ridiculous, but it wins extra points for managing to outdo even its own standards of bad taste. It's a great labor of love and perversity, and probably the last year a blatantly offensive movie like this could have been released.

3½ toxic menstruations out of 5

Return to Nuke 'Em High: Volume 1 (2013)

The evil health food conglomerate builds an organic food factory over the site of the former nuclear power plant, resulting in contaminated school lunches being distributed among the Tromaville students which chemically alters them into sadistic, mutated cretins. This reboot/sequel somehow goes all the way back around to being good, even though the original wasn't. This film knows who its target audience is and has great fun with its central conceit, which is as weird as anything Troma has ever produced. It's a bad movie done right.

3 bloodgasms out of 5

Toxic Tutu (2017)

Mark Torgl, aka Melvin the Mop Boy, star of The Toxic Avenger, headlines his own mockumentary where he resurfaces at a horror-con after disappearing for over 30 years following the making of the movie. Features a lot of aged faces from that 1984 film, mostly captured from amateur convention footage. 

The acting is non-existent, the editing style is insufferably chaotic and it's incomprehensibly hard to follow, but there's tits so there's that. This will only be appealing to diehard fans of the original film, and even that is pushing it.

½ a jar of substance out of 5

Big Ass Spider! (2013)

A-la Sharknado, BAS! is an incredulously bad B-movie which continually pokes fun at not only itself but the "everyman" action film. The lovable and looking-for-love lead (Greg Grunberg) is (what else?) a blue collar exterminator. When a giant (ass) spider invades Los Angeles, he somehow has the know-how to stop it. Besides some sticky webs, there are no practical SFX. Even after you lower your expectations, the CG is still difficult to stomach. Some actors are obviously only there to pick up a paycheck, (I'm looking at you Patrick Bauchau) while others (Ray Wise, Clare Kramer, Lin Shaye) actually 'get' the material and show commitment to their archetypal characters. There's fun to be had, but the concept wore a tad thin towards the end. 

2 shots in the butt out of 5

DIGGING UP THE MARROW [2014]

Writer/director Adam Green lets his horror-hound flag fly high with the wildly entertaining mockumentary Digging Up The Marrow.
Green plays himself (amongst a gaggle of other B-movie cult-horror icons) as he shoots a documentary about a crazy man (Ray Wise) who's begged him to make a film about the discovery of an underground place where the monsters live.  Wise is the only actor not playing himself and as always, he looks like he's having a humdinger of a good time being a nutjob resulting in just as much fun for the audience to watch.  The film ends up being pretty spirited with Green's enthusiasm for the subject matter (and Nightbreed) but unfortunately the script could have used A LOT of fine-tuning so it doesn't wander over the same tracks over and over again.

2½ Oderus Urungus' out of 5

Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV (2000)

This follow-up to the franchise comes about 10 years too late, yet still manages to retain that same dirty and grimy look as the first one in 1984. The Toxic Avenger crosses over into the alternate dimension of Amortville, as the evil Noxious Offender takes over in his stead. This volume contains dolphins, mad cow boys, masturbators, Kabukiman, retarded kids and a talking, lynched head. And of course, plenty of tits. There may be a lot going on here, but it doesn’t exactly tie together in the most satisfying way.

There's also apparently a 5th film in the works (Toxic Twins) and a big budget Hollywood remake of the original on its way, if you can believe it.

3 fighting foetuses out of 5

Terror Firmer (1999)

This is a C-movie at best. Otherwise known as behind-the-scenes of Troma. A blind director’s movie is sabotaged (psych) when everyone on the set starts getting killed off in a grisly manner by a mysterious serial killer. Many silly, laugh-out-loud moments are to be found within this seedy little flick. Contains probably the best “twist” of all the Troma films (it’s a total cheat, of course). I had to take like 3 showers after watching this one.

3.5 continuity gags out of 5

Tromeo & Juliet (1996)

“Parting is such sweet sorrow.”
“Totally sucks.”

Forget Baz Luhrmann’s flashy Romeo + Juliet, this is the modern take for our times. Hosted by Lemmy of Motörhead (?), this excessively violent and sexually charged loose adaptation of the classic play would have made Shakespeare proud...or something. About as close to romantic as Troma will ever get, with a lovely little twist at the end. This falls under the category of “Is nothing sacred?”

3 penis monsters out of 5

The Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation of Toxie (1989)

By now, the violence in these movies has become commonplace. Toxie skips rope with a guy’s bloody intestines, that sort of thing. This time, our hero is forced to work for the Man as he turns into a yuppie asshole. The good citizens of Tromaville are repulsed by this transformation, and he has to prove his worth against the evil Apocalypse organization. I’ll say it again, continuity is not Troma’s strong suit. What’s funny to me about these movies is that they spawned an animated series for kids dubbed Toxic Crusaders. Can you imagine a kid seeing one of the Toxic Avengers in the video store, thinking it’s some good ol’ wholesome family fun, and becoming traumatized for life? I’m sure it must have happened.

3 exploding orgasms out of 5

The Toxic Avenger Part II (1989)

In this episode, Toxie is tricked into heading to Japan to reunite with his long lost dad, while the evil conglomerate corporation of Tromaville schemes to turn the city into a toxic waste dump. The first change you’ll notice from the original is that they recast all the parts, including Toxie’s voice from “booming superhero” to “nice guy.” Once you get over that initial shock, sit back and enjoy the cheesefest. Let me give you an example of a scenario in this film: Toxie grabs an evil midget, crushes him into a ball, dribbles and slam dunks him. If you find any part of that above sentence amusing, seek out these movies immediately.

3.5 toxic “dumps” out of 5

Class of Nuke ‘Em High (1986)

From the makers of The Toxic Avenger comes another environmentally-themed exploitation flick. High schoolers are exposed to radiation poisoning from the local nuclear power plant and begin exhibiting a variety of horrible skin deformities and mutations. This gives plenty of opportunities to showcase gross humor and make-up effects as the good kids invariably become evil and corrupted. Filled with mindless action sequences, the concept does get a little old and doesn’t do as good a job at remaining as consistently entertaining as Toxie. There are two other movies in this series, but as a general rule if the first installment isn't good, then I won’t bother with the others.

2.5 ripped-out nose rings out of 5

The Toxic Avenger (1984)

Oh boy, here we go…

A 98-pound weakling is humiliated and tormented by the musclebound meatheads and falls into a barrel of radioactive chemical waste, turning him into a hideously deformed monster hero of superhuman size and strength, in this classic horror comedy from exploitation label Troma. As the Toxic Avenger, he swears to rid the world of evil and bring justice to the people—in the most violently cartoonish manner possible. Made on the cheap, it’s gory, tasteless, offensive, disgusting…and utterly hilarious. At the heart of it all, it’s harmless cheesy fun no matter how many eye gouges or head crushes it contains (and he still has time to walk little old ladies across the street). I used to tell everybody I knew about Troma, because I couldn’t believe these kinds of movies existed. One of the best trash flicks ever made.

4 mop-jobs out of 5