Nobody 2 (2025)

Taking a break from the usual grind, Hutch (Bob Odenkirk) decides to revisit a childhood vacation spot where he gets mixed up in the riff-raff and ends up beefing with meatheads, including the local badge. I enjoyed it up to a certain point, but then it just becomes the first movie all over again, except set in an amusement park. It gave me Beverly Hills Cop 3 vibes, especially the ending. It's very similar to its predecessor, only not quite as consistently amusing.

2 plush badgers out of 5

Basic Instinct 2 (2006)

A belated sequel that once again stars Sharon Stone as crime writer Catherine Tramell, who uses her cougar-like womanly wiles to fuck with psychoanalyst Michael Glass (David Morrissey), a man whose professional instinct tells him to stay away, but whose cock tells him to go all in (literally). It's a tired scenario that had been explored and done much better many times before.
David Thewlis adds some meagre spice as an antagonistic Scotland Yard Detective, but the character's self-serving machinations are as unsuccessful as everything else - there's nothing and no one to care about in the script.

1½ tourist lighters out of 5

Basic Instinct (1992)

Referenced in popular culture mostly for its audacious beaver shot, Verhoven's film does occasionally have more to offer. It's an odd mix of salacious dime store novel and noir-ish thriller with a self-awareness that isn't always beneficial to the plot. The attraction/sexual tension between the two leads is laid on much too thick in the first half. The intimate moments, while fewer in number, are equally as direct but more successful with regards getting under the surface of the duo's back and forth games. The occasional nod to Hitch's San Francisco set masterpiece hints at a story that might've strived to be more sophisticated had the powers that be wished it so. As it stands, it's semi-trash that's saved mostly by Verhoven's ability.

3 practical applications out of 5

CATWOMAN [2004]

Some French guy who only goes by Pilof shamefully directs Catwoman, the notoriously stupid box-office bomb that most have tried to forget.
Patience Phillips is a mousy pushover who gains fancy superpowers and a sassy new attitude after she is killed and brought back to life from the smelly fish-breath of an invincible pussycat.
This movie isn't funny, clever, exciting or even remotely entertaining.
I buried it in my cat's litter box and the next morning, after Captain Whiskers urinated on it, a piece of moist cat-shit had appeared in it's place.
I prefer watching the moist cat-shit.

½ a furball out of 5

Sphere (1998)

Something alien is found one hundred and sixty fathoms below the ocean’s surface, so a group of specialists are called in to examine it.
An uninspired opening gave way to what seemed to be a structured Hollywood attempt at creating a thinking man’s sci-fi, but the bad drama music that bludgeoned its way into proceedings kept me suspicious. It turned out to be an indication that the cerebral was just a lure, or perhaps too challenging to maintain, and that a descent into tedious semi-horror was just around the corner.

2 deductive logic bombs out of 5

Diabolique (1996)

A remake of a 1955 French thriller about a murder at a boarding school that creates and sustains a thick, oppressive atmosphere. There are some superb camera movements that heighten the drama or elevate the uncertainty. It’s not unfair to say that it’s a little bit Hitchcock.
Sharon Stone occasionally slips into melodrama but mostly she does a fine job, and it goes without saying that Kathy Bates is always good, but for me it was the fragile Isabelle Adjani that stole the show.
It tries a little too hard to make the twists at the end extra twisty but that didn't detract from the quality performances of the three women that got the story to that point.

3½ baptisms out of 5

Lovelace (2013)

A biopic of infamous knob-gobbler Linda Lovelace. It's bookended by before and after, but mostly covers her time spent in the porn industry. It captures the look of the era but lacks any real spark elsewhere.
The main focus of the story is in showing the manipulative nature of the relationship between the two leads, Linda and her husband Chuck. They're the only characters with any real depth, and even then it's the shallow end of the pool. It's a shame Robert Patrick got so little screen time; his understated performance was one of the highlights. Amanda Seyfried carried the film the rest of the time and looked beautiful throughout. Peter Sarsgaard oozed sleazy and looked like documentary filmmaker Morgan Spurlock's evil twin.

2½ freckles out of 5

CASINO [1995]

Goodfellas writer Nicolas Pileggi reunites with director Martin Scorsese for the similarly toned crime-drama Casino.
An absorbing story is spun, filled with violence, great music, fascinating voice-over narratives and excellent performances from all three leads.  It's not really driven by any sort of plot but more of a snapshot of these criminal's lives over the years and their many troubled interactions with each other.  It's your standard Martin Scorsese film but a damn fine one at that.  I think Marty realized that and hasn't returned to this style of film-making until Boardwalk Empire nearly 20 years later.

4½ heads in a vise out of 5