The Bride! (2026)

A feminist, post-modernist reading on The Bride of Frankenstein, starring Jessie Buckley as the title character and Christian Bale as the monster. Hot off the heels of Jacob Elordi as Frankenstein, I can't stand this recent trend to "beautify" the monster, although I suppose Edward Scissorhands already cornered that market years ago. This feels more like a monster gangster movie like Bonnie & Clyde. It's a bizarre characterization, touched by madness, and Buckley once again demonstrates that she's one of the most dynamic young actresses of her generation. Stylistically, there's much to love in its 1930s aesthetic, but it's a mess of disparate parts, much like its characters.

Maggie Gyllenhaal is the mad scientist behind this experimental creation.

3 short legs out of 5

September 5 (2024)

A dramatization of the hostage crisis that took place at the 1972 Munich Olympics. Taking place entirely within a news studio control room, all of the "action" is conveyed through grainy film footage that is captured by the TV cameras. Features lots of Furrowed Brow acting as it favors authenticity over entertainment value. It doesn't appear to have any concern for the victims; it's all about the morality of the people in charge making the decisions for ratings.

On a personal note, I'm getting a little tired of every real life event being dramatized as a feature-length film. I hate movies that make me feel like I'm back in school again. Just reading the synopsis was enough for me.

2½ awards-bait movies out of 5

The Batman (2022)

Does a Batman movie need to be 3 hours? No. No, it doesn't. This film takes the "throw everything at the wall and see what sticks" approach. It brings the series to an even darker and grim direction than Nolan did, managing to make it feel dreary and depressing. And, it's simply not enjoyable. The recent trend of reboots seems to be to suck all the fun out of these movies and make it as miserable for the audience as possible. My biggest gripe is that it takes itself way too seriously. Everyone talks and moves slowly, as if they're underwater. Robert Pattinson does a serviceable enough job as Emo Batman, but he's even duller as Bruce Wayne. Zoë Kravitz feels like she's going through the motions as Catwoman, Colin Farrell is buried beneath pounds of make-up and a fat suit as Penguin, while Paul Dano's trash bag makes Jim Carrey's Riddler seem absolutely inspired. It all feels like a pale imitation of what's come before. At this point, it's just a rehash upon a rehash. Everything we've seen here has already been done better.

Anyway, barring all that, if you're a ride or die fan, you'll probably enjoy it. I didn't, but I can see why others might. This is basically Batman meets Zodiac. There is a decent movie to be found within this mess, but unfortunately you have to sort through a lot of fluff to get there.

2½ thumb drives out of 5

An Education (2009)

I knew after just two minutes of hitting the play button that I was going to enjoy An Education, and that even if it didn't wound my heart completely it would at least leave a lasting footprint or two in my sand.
It's a coming of age drama set in London, 1961. Schoolgirl Jenny (Carey Mulligan) has a bright future, but love gets in the way, as it often does at that age. The focus of her affections is the older and more worldly David (Peter Sarsgaard), a well-dressed cad who deems it appropriate to date schoolgirls.
Carey Mulligan is phenomenal as the youth who makes adult decisions based on feelings and intuition. She reminded me of a young Jenny Agutter in many ways, channelling the same kind of captivating sincerity and believability. To experience her performance is reason enough to watch it, but there's the added draw that it was scripted by author Nick Hornby.

4 French phrases out of 5

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN [2016]

The Magnificent Seven is given the very unnecessary remake treatment by director Antoine Fuqua.
We all know the story by now but if not refer to ¡Three Amigos!, then add four and you get the general idea.
What Fuqua has made is a pretty solid shoot 'em up Western that is a rarity in this day and age, so I'll take what I can get.  However what he hasn't made is something that will stand the test of time like it's source material and other classic films in it's genre.  It's clear that the cast is having a great ol' time and in doing so it makes for a pretty entertaining ride for the viewer as well.  There's plenty of cheese and cringe-worthy moments but it's so briskly paced none of it is ever overly offensive to anyone afraid of losing brain cells.

3 card tricks out of 5

BLACK MASS [2015]

After an extended string of crappy films, Johnny Depp returns to form in director Scott Cooper's American true crime film, Black Mass.
The film depicts the rise & fall of the infamous Irish-American crime boss, Whitey Bulger who became an FBI informant in order to get away with as much as he possibly could in Boston during the 70's and 80's.
Aided by an impressive cast, Depp gives a subtle yet empowering performance that kept me uncomfortably mesmerized.  However I couldn't help but feel the story needed a good extra hour of padding to really give it the impact it appeared to be aiming for.  There was so much going on that they briefly skimmed over, as a whole it never really explores anything we haven't seen before with a film like this.  In the end it's a slightly above average film with some really great performances.

3 confused doormen out of 5

BLUE JASMINE [2013]

Woody Allen's comedic drama Blue Jasmine echoes that of A Streetcar Named Desire with a modern flair and without as much dramatic tension.
Cate Blanchett leads the cast with one of the best performances of her career however it's Sally Hawkins who steals every scene she's in with the perfect balance of comedy and dramatic realism.  The rest of the cast are just as great and in a surprising turn, Andrew Dice Clay deserves some attention.  Allen's script is wickedly funny and well-structured but without the talented cast and comedic timing it might not be as great as it's end results.  It's tragedy and comedy all rolled into one crazy cast of characters making for one of Allen's better films in several years.

3½ Blue Moons out of 5

Lovelace (2013)

A biopic of infamous knob-gobbler Linda Lovelace. It's bookended by before and after, but mostly covers her time spent in the porn industry. It captures the look of the era but lacks any real spark elsewhere.
The main focus of the story is in showing the manipulative nature of the relationship between the two leads, Linda and her husband Chuck. They're the only characters with any real depth, and even then it's the shallow end of the pool. It's a shame Robert Patrick got so little screen time; his understated performance was one of the highlights. Amanda Seyfried carried the film the rest of the time and looked beautiful throughout. Peter Sarsgaard oozed sleazy and looked like documentary filmmaker Morgan Spurlock's evil twin.

2½ freckles out of 5

ROBOT & FRANK [2012]

Robot & Frank is a thoughtful and quirky indie-drama which serves as the directorial debut from Jake Schreier.

Frank Langella delivers a surprisingly heartfelt performance as an elderly ex-thief who, much to his detest, is forced to live with a robot servant to help with his everyday life.  At first it deceives you as being overly simple but as you peel away the layers you find it explores multiple themes and character studies.  We're treated to a bittersweet tale about the frailty of age, the disappearance of human interaction in the technological age, the importance of memory and the struggle of loneliness.  It's not always a smooth ride but packs in enough laughs, touching moments and thoughtfulness to leave a smile on the face.

4 little astronaut bastards out of 5

The Skeleton Key (2005)

I saw The Skeleton Key when it first came out because I was bored, and was fairly disappointed. The film has not improved upon re-watching.

There's one scene that's delightfully horrifying when you think about it, but other than that, it's just a really mediocre movie. There's nothing offensively bad about it, but it's frequently boring, and that's usually the biggest sin a movie can make. Kate Hudson is known for starring in rom-coms, and this movie is sort of a rom-com of horror movies. Predictable, characters acting like idiots, and no time devoted to the things that would actually be interesting. At least the scenery is nice.

1.5 special bowls of gumbo out of 5.

Flightplan (2005)

A woman and her daughter board a plane. There's some drama. It all gets a bit silly at times, but I stuck it out mostly because it has Jodie Foster. I like Jodie. She can act. The director manages to elicit a great freedom of movement from the camera in what is traditionally a very tight space. He deserves credit for that. If you're lucky it'll be the in-flight movie the next time you fly.

2½ kids in the seat in front should be seen and not heard out of 5

Green Lantern (2011)

No one's reviewed this yet? Well, okay.

Like a lot of these origin movies, it spends a lot of time on back story and not enough on action. Once Hal Jordan obtains his mystical powers, however, it slips into high gear. Sometimes resembling Superman (and for once he is recognized, even with his "disguise"), this DC comic book adaptation has fun with the character's powers and I didn't end up resenting Ryan Reynolds more than I usually do. Definitely a helluva lot better than Thor and Transformers 3.

2.5 rippling pectoral muscles out of 5