THE SECOND CIVIL WAR [1997]

Director Joe Dante & co. craft together a wonderfully witty political satire with the curiously swept under the carpet comedy The Second Civil War.
An immigration controversy tears the United States of America apart, which eerily reflects exactly what is happening the States right now.
What's played for exaggerated laughs here isn't all that over-blown when you take into the consideration some of the ridiculous words spoken in politics this past year.  Tackling such weighty subjects as immigration, political racism, mass shootings, outsourcing might have been a bit tongue-in-cheek 20 years ago but today it's all too real.  It transforms the film from a goofy spit on the American way of yesterday and into a frighteningly prophetic hilarious mirror reflection of today.

3 orphan cards out of 5

THE LION KING [1994]

Disney's take on William Shakespeare's Hamlet comes in the form of singing jungle animals in the beautifully animated The Lion King.
It's about a young lion cub who must reclaim his throne as the King, after his father is murdered by his manipulative uncle and a pack of ravaging hyenas.
Dig a little deeper and you find a tale of love, hope and the search for one's identity.  The expressively lush animation shines bright and keeps one's eyes glued to the screen from beginning to end.  Most of the voicework is pretty dull, with the exception of Jeremy Irons and Nathan Lane who both steal each scene they're in.  While the songs might be a bit much here and there, they're not overly offensive.  I couldn't help but pick apart Disney's idea of social hierarchy and how it treats brawn over brains, rich over poor and how we should just accept what we're born into.
Still, as an piece of animation, I couldn't help but be in awe of the dedication put into crafting it into what it is.

4 circles of life out of 5

The Ambulance (1990)

A woman (Janine Turner) is lifted into the back of an ambulance from a busy New York street in broad daylight, but she never arrives at the hospital. Comic book artist Josh's (Eric Roberts) day job doesn't give him the skills needed to figure out why, but he investigates, nevertheless.
It would be an average thriller if not for the sarcastic wit of almost everyone involved. It gives it a special quality. For that reason, when the script goes directly from sinister to blackly comedic it never feels out of place. You expect laughs from Red Buttons, but James Earl Jones does it equally as well.
It's strange that Megan Gallagher isn't featured on the cover, because she plays a larger role than some of the people who are and she plays it faultlessly. Ultimately, it's a well-cast movie and an enjoyable watch.

3 white coats out of 5

The Sandlot (1993)

A-la Boy Meets World and A Christmas Story, this coming-of-age tale is narrated from the memory of the main character. This allows for larger-than-life exaggerations which embellish the simple plot. Over-eager to befriend the neighborhood kids, Smalls (Tom Guiry) loses his step-father's prized baseball to a seemingly monstrous junkyard dog. Once the sandlot kids are introduced it becomes a true ensemble affair and while some are given b-stories of their own, a few are sadly left out. I seldom enjoy films involving kids but their acting was rarely annoying and ever endearing.

3 "You're killing me Smalls!" out of 5

Grim Prairie Tales (1990)

While the fusion of western and anthology horror might sound wrong on paper, it succeeds here. Two distinctly opposite travelers (Brad Dourif and James Earl Jones) share one campfire and trade in the only currency available to them: tall tales. The initial segment is basic and one-note but each subsequent story raises the bar with macabre details and thought-provoking conclusions. The wraparound is almost as interesting as the fictions contained therein with Dourif and Jones intensely discussing the nature of storytelling itself. The film lacks in most points of production value but with a mere sole campfire lighting up our imaginations, it scarcely matters.

3½ man eaters out of 5

The Comedians (1967)

The Comedians is set in Tahiti during the Papa Doc regime. It gathered together a wonderful cast including Richard Burton, Elizabeth Taylor, Peter Ustinov, Alec Guinness and James Earl Jones, and then delivered a stagnant bore-fest; even the cast looked bored out of their fucking minds.

1½ games of chance out of 5

STAR WARS - EPISODE VI - RETURN OF THE JEDI [1983]

The sixth installment of George Lucas' Star Wars saga, Return Of The Jedi, is probably the chapter I have the most fondest childhood memories of.

However over the years director Richard Marquand's film doesn't stand up as well as the it's classic predecessor.  It feels as it's already acknowledged who these characters are and waste no time on any sort of development, instead focus on some insanely cool action pieces and creepy, crawly puppet work.  It's not exactly a work of art but it is highly entertaining and imaginative, so you get exactly what you should expect.

3½ unamed, teddy bear like creatures named by marketing whores out of 5

STAR WARS - EPISODE V - THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK [1980]

Irvin Kershner assumes director's duties in place of storywriter George Lucas for the fifth instalment in the Star Wars saga, The Empire Strikes Back.

Widely considered the best of the series, the film is a bold, big space opera sweeping with melodrama, romanticism and big ol' space ships firing lasers.  While it is the series' best film, it can't stand on it's own with no real beginning or end to the story.  The cold, harsh planet Hoth at the beginning of the film reflects the dread and  darkness of the rest of the story.  A great achievement in Star Wars history that outdoes the original on every level.  

...and yeah, John Williams' Imperial March theme is feckin' awesome. 

4 asteroid potatoes out of 5

STAR WARS - EPISODE IV - A NEW HOPE [1977]

The one that started it all.  A curse to some.  A blessing to others.  A New Hope is the first film, while still the fourth film in the groundbreaking Star Wars saga's chronology.

Carried by some exciting new effects (including some dazzling  spaceship dogfights), a bar filled with bizarre looking aliens and a battlestation the size of a moon.  It brought the brainless sci-fi pulp style of storytelling back into the mainstream paving the way for many copycats to come after it.   Sure the dialogue is terrible, the pacing gets really bumpy in the final 30 minutes and Mark Hamill is quite frankly abysmal but it's the type of fun that makes me think of sugary breakfast cereal.  

3½ droids you were looking for out of 5

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

The Terminator (1984) is a good film, but if I had to choose just one role that best epitomises Arnie to me, I'd say Conan is the role he was born to play.
It's essentially a tale of revenge, albeit one with Wagnerian aspirations that sees a young boy grow to be a man who, mercifully, says very little. For Conan, actions are more important than words. The majority of that action is best dealt with by the business end of a sword, set to epic music.
The film is still the pinnacle of Sword and Sorcery cinema.

4½ Hyborian Heroes out of 5

Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)

A 120 minute steaming, festering, locust covered turd.
It was my third attempt at watching the shit-fest, I had face-palmed myself into a coma the previous two times. I was determined to make it to the end. Determination is overrated. Never again.

0½ pseudoscientific quasi-religious bullshit out of 5

The Hunt For Red October (1990)

Tom Clancy's classic work of military industrial complex porn has been humanized with actual characters, who have depth, arcs, relatable behavior, and most importantly, subtlety. The proceedings get off to a quick start and the pace doesn't slow down until the end credits. This is a conventional Hollywood studio film that earns its stripes the old fashioned way, with clean, solid, professional work on all levels.

4 pings Vasili. 4 pings only out of 5

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

Sweet Jesus.
I had never seen this before, but I finally decided it was time to see for myself what the fuss was all about that would make Lucas himself want to go out and personally destroy every last remaining copy in existence.
I laughed, I cried, I cried some more...in fact, I spent a great deal of this movie crying. Half the special is in pantomime because it's just Wookiees walking around wailing at each other. No subtitles, nothing. I felt like I was watching some sort of perverse nature program. Is this really the best they could come up with?
So does it live up to its reputation? Yes, in spades. Is that necessarily a bad thing? Of course not. It's Star Wars. Fans eat up this garbage. I'd say you're better off just watching the Mark Hamill episode of The Muppet Show.

1 have a nice Life Day out of 5