Top Secret! (1984)

What happens when you mishmash Elvis Presley musicals, WWII and Cold War-era spy films together? A highly uneven effort from Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker.

Val Kilmer makes his auspicious film debut as American rock 'n' roll star Nick Rivers, who gets invited to East Germany to perform, where he inadvertently becomes mixed up in the resistance. The plot is largely irrelevant, as it merely provides the framework for a quick-fire series of gags and non-sequiturs. This is a movie I always think I'll like a lot more than I do, but what counts most is that it's relentlessly funny, which is really all that matters in a spoof comedy.

3 Swedish bookstores out of 5

Asylum (1972)

In the best of Amicus' anthology films, Robert Powell plays a psychiatrist seeking employment at the Lovecraftian sounding Dunsmoor Asylum. To prove his suitability he must identify a specific inmate by interviewing each one briefly. However, the stories they tell, written by Robert Bloch (adapted from his own works), may themselves be the product of an insane mind. There's a murderous husband who's final insult is his undoing, a struggling tailor who's asked by Peter Cushing to make a suit with "special" material, a deadly alter ego, and a man with some odd ideas about dolls. The frame narrative is better integrated than usual, and the music more memorable, making great use of Mussorgsky's superb Night on Bald Mountain.

3½ occupational hazards out of 5

Dr. Terror's House of Horrors (1965)

The first horror anthology from Amicus Productions stars two of the genre's greatest actors, Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee. The former is the titular Doctor, but the House isn't literal - the setting is a night-time train carriage into which he steps. He tells the fortunes of the other passengers, each of whom experience a glimpse into their individual futures.
In no particular order, there's creatures of the night, voodoo happenings, and killer vines, among others, with an occasional just deserts situation, and the frame narrative having a twist of its own. I can't say without going into spoiler territory why I thought the frame ending was detrimental to the whole, but maybe I expected too much from the studio's first attempt. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the various settings and the performances of the lauded cast.

2½ conveyance predictions out of 5

She (1965)

Addressing the maxims that you should never touch an Englishman's hat without permission and that you should be wary of trusting a beautiful lady completely, Dir. Robert Day's version of the H. Rider Haggard novel She: A History of Adventure (1887) moves the setting decades forward to Palestine, 1918. Three Brits, Peter Cushing, Bernard Cribbins and John Richardson hunt for a fabled lost city wherein the titular high priestess She, a dubbed-over Ursula Andress in her nightie, holds dominion over the entire population.
The arduous traipse across the desert feels too brief, but it leaves more time for events within the exotic locale and the actors keep it mildly interesting.
She's showy royal garb is fantastic, making her look like an ancestor of the Sorceress from He-Man, but the film itself is less memorable.

2½ burning desires out of 5

Horror Express (1972)

Christopher Lee plays an anthropologist who discovers a frozen corpse that he dates as being two million years old. He pops it into a box and has it placed aboard a Trans-Siberian Express. As luck would have it, Peter Cushing is on the same train. Yay. But bad luck wants a piece of the action, too, and after a mysterious death happens the contents of Lee's find come under suspicion.
A thundering locomotive is an unusual setting for a 70s horror, and there's enough variety in the character types onboard to keep it interesting. The second half is where it gets really fascinating.
On the downside, it feels much too thrown together at times, often ruining the atmosphere that was present. A better edit would've helped the scoring.

3 all-white eyes out of 5

The Mummy (1959)

Archaeologists (i.e. sophisticated thieves) forcibly enter the well-lit tomb of an Egyptian high priestess and in so doing invite the wrath of a centuries old curse upon their heads. Their transgression was in the name of education not profit but the distinction is unobserved by certain parties, one of which is a bandaged Christopher Lee who has every right to be pissed off.
Hammer had successfully set Lee against Cushing in Dracula (1958) and The Curse of Frankenstein (1957), so it made sense to have the pair return for a third year running with classic horror's third big hitter.
Attending to the relationships, familial on one side and romantic on the other, helped make it more than a simple tale of dusty revenge.

3 grave dangers out of 5

Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell (1974)

Hammer’s seventh and last Frankenstein feature was also director Terence Fisher’s last ever sitting in the big chair. His contribution to the franchise and to the studio's success is impossible to overstate.
What’s also to be applauded is the return of Cushing to the role of the Baron. The modest budget and awful creature effects made it even more important to have such a redoubtable character actor as a focal point. He delivers.
He’s hiding out in a hospital for the criminally insane. Well, he’s not exactly hiding, the building houses people that society at large ignores, which is the perfect environment for the Baron to continue his work uninterrupted. As such, the primary threat to his efforts are ones of his own making.
Despite a less gothic setting there’s a noticeable return to the glory days of Hammer, and a welcome reintroduction of a tragic aspect to the creature.

3½ private works out of 5

Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed (1969)

The resilient Frankenstein desires to cure a man he sees as a kindred spirit, both of them having worked on similar advanced medical theories, so he uses his wiles and his classy arrogance to turn a less than perfect situation into a morally dark but advantageous one.
Cushing as the Baron is amazing, and he’s finally learned to use a proper pseudonym, but there’s one thing about the story that bothered me. It turns out it was a last minute addition by a studio head, someone who seemed to have no understanding that in film when such actions are shown they require repercussions, or at the very least acknowledgement in subsequent scenes. Ignoring it completely attests to the pointless nature of it.
Despite that, the film is really good.  Unusually, there’s no creature, but there’s plenty of victims in more than one sense of the word.

3½ matters taken out of 5

Frankenstein Created Woman (1967)

The Baron’s continued fascination for creating life boils down to ‘the soul is the goal’. He wants to understand the spark of life. It was only a matter of time before he created something that had bumps in all the correct places, but to Hammer’s credit they did it in an unexpected way.
Ironically, one of the most powerful openings of the entire Frankenstein series may be part of the reason that many people dislike the fourth entry. Pitching the emotional content so high at the beginning means it has no choice but to subsequently fall to lesser levels. They’re furnished with a few unusual aspects, though, the most apparent being the court scene. Beneath that there’s commentary on what’s beautiful vs what isn't, even going so far as to make us wonder if any part of death can be equated with beauty.

3 magical sciences out of 5

The Evil of Frankenstein (1964)

Abandoning the continuity that had been carefully established in their two previous Frankenstein films in favour of one that was more closely related to Universal's was a dick move by Hammer. Seeing an opportunity to make some easy money the rival studio had relaxed their earlier restrictions in exchange for distribution rights, meaning Hammer could reference the trademarked big-footed and flat-headed creature design. So Hammer did, but they did it badly. The make up is atrocious. The Baron is a less complex individual than he'd been before, and the creature's story is underdeveloped.
Katy Wild’s deaf-mute character was a bright light in the dimness, and I’ll watch anything just to see Peter Cushing in action, but the film was a lumbering step in the wrong direction for the franchise.

2½ external impulses out of 5

The Revenge of Frankenstein (1958)

Picking up where The Curse of Frankenstein (1957) ended, Revenge follows the Baron as he sets up his shop of secret horrors elsewhere.
There’s a surprising amount of gallows humour in the first half that some folks may find unwelcome. Personally, I didn't mind it at all.
The addition of an aide, a tragic character affected by the cruelty of a society that thinks itself civilised, lifts the remainder of the film to great heights, and that, I'm sure we can all agree, was certainly a good idea.

Don't fall into thinking the 'revenge' of the title means things have been simplified or the focus shifted. Think of it as a strong redress for a judgement, working toward proving to oneself and others that you were right all along.

4 overhauls out of 5

The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires (1974)

Golden Vampires was Hammer’s final Dracula film. They'd been struggling with the franchise through much of the 70s but they went out in style.
It’s unusual territory for the British company, being a joint production between them and Shaw Bros, set in Chung King and filmed in China, a country rich with its own night-time lore. It's a surprisingly well-implemented pairing. The Dracula mythos is adapted to fit its new home. The coloured lights of his tomb acting as a kind of precursor to the exotic nature of what follows.
You won’t see his name in the credits, but Cheh Chang, perhaps best known for One-Armed Swordsman (1967), shared the director’s chair. It’s likely because of Chang that the martial arts scenes are as good as they are, and that certain Chinese religious practices are respected throughout.

3½ dusty hearts out of 5

The Satanic Rites of Dracula (1973)

Satanic Rites is a direct sequel to Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972) set two years later. Cushing returns as scholar and hunter Lorrimer Van Helsing, with his granddaughter Jessica having morphed from Stephanie Beacham into a red-haired Joanna Lumley. Lee is back, too, playing the Studio's version of the Count for the final time; he hung up the cloak afterwards.
I’m glad the hipsters were excised from the plot this time, but adding elements of a second-rate spy novel into the mix instead was even less desirable.
There are some life lessons to be learned from it, though, such as: always put more than one bullet in your gun; for a quiet life keep your bitches chained in a basement; and previously ignored apotropaics can be used in a pinch.

2 governing circles out of 5

I, Monster (1971)

A full-length feature from Amicus adapted from Robert Louis Stevenson's Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1886). The character names are changed but the core elements are the same. It makes an admirable attempt to explore the nature vs. nurture argument, asking if we’re born good and turned evil by society, or if our natural instincts are stifled. In the pursuit of knowledge a doctor creates a serum that causes patients to lose inhibitions and release their repressed desires (where I come from we call that vodka).
Lee’s post-transformation grin is excellent; it’s a rare treat to see him smile onscreen. Despite the lofty intentions the second half falters a little and the music fails to make the quieter scenes on par with the rest.
Coincidently, Hammer studios, Cushing and Lee’s first home, released a Jekyll and Hyde film with Ralph Bates just two weeks before I, Monster!

3 unhealthy appetites out of 5

The Hound of the Baskervilles (1959)

Peter Cushing played Sherlock Holmes many times but only once for Hammer Studios. His ever-alert, energetic portrayal will surely annoy some folks, but for me he’s the definitive version; so too is André Morell as Watson, a decent detective and reliable friend, not the bumbling idiot of some other works.
It’s unmistakably Hammer, the set-bound elegance is clear to see, and being adapted from a literary source as fine as their horror works meant it was their equal in almost every way. The only downside is the depiction of the moor itself. It needed a more chilling, eerie mystery characterising it.

4 creatures great and small out of 5

The Curse of Frankenstein (1957)

A trio of firsts for Hammer: their first horror in colour, their first Frankenstein film and the first of their productions to feature Christopher Lee.
The story is a confessional flashback, meaning the Baron’s evolution from cultivating an infectious curiosity to succumbing to an isolating obsession is paced by his own telling, working inexorably toward the creature’s reveal. Universal forbade the use of their existing iconic image, so Hammer had to make their own more gruesome version, sans 'neck-bolts'.
It’s money that enables the Baron to carry out his work; had he been a pauper the creature would never have been born, because meddling in pure science at that level is the preserve of the rich.

4 energies turned out of 5

Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972)

It's the first in Hammer's Dracula series not to use the previous film's ending (Scars of Dracula (1970)) as a starting point. Instead, it places the Count and the Van Helsing characters together in a new, invented scenario, and as bizarre as it sounds the majority of what follows really is set in 1972.
The juxtaposition of the established formula and the swinging, urban London with its hip 70s lingo is a hurdle, but the addition of Cushing and Lee help ease the viewer over it. The contemporary music, however, is more of a problem.
The script aims for clever and ironic but often ends up silly and comedic.
It was good to see an efficient police service for a change, reflective of the role they played during the era, keeping the degradation of moral values away from the classes that found it unsavoury.

2½ derelict happenings out of 5

House of the Long Shadows (1983)

An author retreats to an abandoned Manor to write a gothic novel in twenty-four hours and win a bet, but things don’t go to plan and he becomes a player in a comical horror story that had begun before he even got there.
The author's self-confidence is only slightly arrogant, so he’s still a sympathetic character. But, really, it’s the four old guys that viewers will be tuning in for. Their years of experience mean they don’t disappoint, but the feeling that so much more could've been achieved with the setting is ever-present. Plus, there was already six films based on Derr Biggers' Seven Keys to Baldpate (1913) novel in existence, did we really need a seventh?

2½ intentions out of 5

Dr. Phibes Rises Again (1972)

The devilish doctor with the poetic ramblings returns with another devious multi-part plan that involves a locale change to Egypt, but ever the intellectual means he doesn't forget to bring what he needs for the inventive deaths of those who oppose him. Inspector Trout, still treading the boards of comedy relief, is hot (well, tepid) on his heels. Strangeness ensues.
The dastardly is even more daft than before, but that phone call... wow!

3 clockwork musicians out of 5

Scream and Scream Again (1970)

SaSA isn't an anthology film, but it's comprised of three stories that seem to have little to do with each other for a long time: a violent murder case with a tactless cop; a militarised state that resembles a spy drama; and a silent nurse who doesn't do her patient any favours. Each part has one of the three greatest horror actors of all time. Unfortunately, Cushing’s role is little more than a cameo, while Price and Lee are once again side by side for the briefest time. The film itself is an odd mix of realism, fantasy, murder mystery and science fiction that absolutely deserves credit for trying something different, but it’s quite honestly a structural mess most of the time.

2½ working parts out of 5