I Don't Want to Be Born (1975)

aka The Devil Within Her / The Monster

A bizarre but lousy entry in the 'Oh no, evil infant!' sub-genre that Polanski's Rosemary’s Baby (1968) popularised. Ex-stripper Joan Collins births a bruiser of a tot that she believes is possessed by evil. Her husband Gino (Ralph Bates) flaffs about like a third wheel, occasionally offering support in a spurious Italian accent. Hysterical Joan overacts, rich Ralph underwhelms, and the mini pugilist baby looks bored, accompanied by music that's anything but scary.
I don't know who to feel the most sorry for, the baby, the actors (who obviously needed a pay-cheque), the editors who had to cut all the tacky shit together, or myself for sitting through every bad minute of it.

1½ nursery crimes out of 5

Starcrash (1978)

It's not unfair to say that part of Luigi Cozzi's career involved ripping-off other people's works, but with Starcrash he didn't even try to hide it. The Star part is obvious enough (think Lucas), but the crash part is equally as apt because it does, frequently. Of course, that's what makes it interesting; that it resembles Barbarella (1968) at times also helps in the kitschy-cool department. And it even has elements of Columbia's Sinbad films (Talos with tits?).
What's perhaps the most heinous sin committed is that someone decided to dub all of Caroline Munro's dialogue (although, to be fair, it's reasonably well done) but none of David Hasselhoff's. That just ain't right, Cozzi.

2 sword-wielding robots out of 5

Slaughter High (1986)

If you're a heterosexual male in high school and Caroline Munro invites you to the girls locker room for sex, well, you're going to go. Science nerd Marty does just that, but things don't go down like he wants (i.e. him down on her).
Jump to years later, back to the same school for a reunion of assholes who subsequently get knocked-off one by one. The comedic tinge that helped the earlier years seem less stupid is gone, leaving a slasher B-Movie that's very B.
It's absolute garbage, but some of the kills are superb. Therefore, if what amounts to about ten minutes of gruesome deaths in a ninety minute film is your sole criteria for enjoyment of something like this then you'll be sated.

1½ warning bells out of 5

Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter (1974)

A lesser-known, underappreciated vampire film from Hammer Studios. It was Dir. Brian Clemens' only feature, sadly. His inventive positioning and unique style don't quite fit the established template, but nor does the swashbuckling plot, so they complement each other. The vampire lore is different, too. The fanged fiends drain youth from their victims, not blood.
The Captain (Horst Janson) rides into and out of the story with his trusty aide, Professor Hieronymus Grost (John Cater), a man who's as important to the experience as the hero himself.
Some folks consider Kronos a part of the Karnstein series for reasons I won’t go into. I don't have strong feelings about whether it is or isn't, but if it can reach an audience by piggybacking on their success then I'm all for it.

4 whispering years out of 5

Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972)

It's the first in Hammer's Dracula series not to use the previous film's ending (Scars of Dracula (1970)) as a starting point. Instead, it places the Count and the Van Helsing characters together in a new, invented scenario, and as bizarre as it sounds the majority of what follows really is set in 1972.
The juxtaposition of the established formula and the swinging, urban London with its hip 70s lingo is a hurdle, but the addition of Cushing and Lee help ease the viewer over it. The contemporary music, however, is more of a problem.
The script aims for clever and ironic but often ends up silly and comedic.
It was good to see an efficient police service for a change, reflective of the role they played during the era, keeping the degradation of moral values away from the classes that found it unsavoury.

2½ derelict happenings out of 5

Dr. Phibes Rises Again (1972)

The devilish doctor with the poetic ramblings returns with another devious multi-part plan that involves a locale change to Egypt, but ever the intellectual means he doesn't forget to bring what he needs for the inventive deaths of those who oppose him. Inspector Trout, still treading the boards of comedy relief, is hot (well, tepid) on his heels. Strangeness ensues.
The dastardly is even more daft than before, but that phone call... wow!

3 clockwork musicians out of 5

The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)

The grand opening clues you in pretty quickly to what Phibes subsequently offers up: it’s a markedly strange horror/comedy that’s distinctly British in tone. It wouldn't have been out of place for Steed and his lady of choice in sexy boots to appear and take on the case. But that didn't happen; instead we follow Detective Inspector Trout (Peter Jeffrey) as he attempts to prevent Vincent Price from inflicting the ten plagues of Egypt upon a group of surgeons in an OTT vendetta. Price never ceases to amaze, despite his character being a difficult one to portray.

3½ creeping deaths out of 5

The Golden Voyage of Sinbad (1973)

Sinbad’s love of shiny trinkets and curvy women land him in hot (sea) water once more. There’s also an evil magician to contend with (Tom Baker).
Despite having a new actor in the role of Sinbad (John Phillip Law), a new director (Gordon Hessler), and a new composer (Miklós Rózsa) the second adventure is unmistakably Sinbad-ish. The colourful Arabian imagery, the theatrics, the derring-do of the characters and the amazing stop-motion creatures of Ray Harryhausen mean it’s faithful to the previous film in every way. You don’t need to have watched the previous film (The 7th Voyage (1958)) prior to Golden Voyage, because they’re both standalone stories.

3½ middle eastern flavours out of 5