Masters of the Universe (2026)

I should preface this nut by stating that I don't have a very strong connection to the He-Man and the Masters of the Universe franchise. As with G.I. Joe and Transformers, it was a cartoon designed to sell a toy line. I never really found the premise too deep. Aside from owning a single He-Man action figure as a kid, I have no nostalgic ties to the character or the canon, which makes me the perfect guinea pig to test out the new direction of this latest reimagining.

Young Prince Adam is, by all accounts, a pussy (not unlike Cringer). When the evil Skeletor threatens Eternia, his royal parents send him to Earth (not unlike Kal-El) along with the Sword of Power, which he promptly loses. 15 years later, he tracks it down and returns to claim his birthright. So far, so good, right?

This movie is frustrating because of how much it does right. Visually, it looks amazing. The scale is epic, rich and powerful. The action scenes are dynamic and exciting. The soundtrack is fucking rocking, courtesy of Brian May from Queen (lots of nods to Highlander). However, tonally, it's weird and all over the fucking place. Everything is treated as a joke. Adam never really changes; even when harnessing the power of Grayskull, he's still the same loser except with half the wardrobe. Teela is the one to show him the ropes and assumes the position of power over him and her father, the drunken and disgraced Man-At-Arms. Skeletor looks way better than his 1987 representation yet still feels hugely underdeveloped. Evil-Lyn is hot and that's about the extent of her role.

What I can't forgive is the neutered characterization of Adam (as a modern day he-man in touch with his emotions), even as it attempts to address and criticize toxic masculinity. But it's simply not fun. In every other way, it blows the 1987 film out of the water. Yet it could have been so much better. Its sole purpose for existing seems primarily intended to bait Doc and Neg back out of hiding.

2½ fistings out of 5

The Minion (1998)

Maintenance work on NY's subway leads to the discovery of an ancient chamber with an unusual resident, around whose neck is a strange artefact, the discovery of which plunges struggling archaeologist Karen (Françoise Robertson) into the centre of a long-running conflict between good and evil.
The title refers to a body-hopping, growling spirit in service to the Antichrist, who wants to bring on the Apocalypse. Between the minion and his goal stands Dolph, with faith in his heart and a spiked glove on his killing hand.
There's a commendable amount of fictional lore in the story, and the attempt at establishing a common thread between two very different belief systems was interesting, if unsuccessful, but the production, acting and action are weak. It has two different musical scores; my version was the shit US one.

1½ warrior monks out of 5

Red Scorpion (1988)

Rocky IV (1985) made Dolph a Russian in the minds of movie-goers. In the minds of producers, too, it seems. In RS they gave him the most Russian name ever: Nikolai Petrovitch Radchenko. He’s a Soviet Spetsnaz agent made from Russian steel, sent into Africa on a solo mission by KGB superiors to kill an anti-Communist revolutionary. As you’d expect, after he arrives there’s gunplay and explosions, but during the quiet times the story delivers a few things that you don’t often see in the action movie genre. Those emotional moments (really!) coupled with one of the best performances I've ever seen from Dolph make the film a hell of a lot more watchable than many other 80s actioners.

3 very large pins out of 5

Storm Catcher (1999)

Major Dolph flies an experimental multimillion dollar stealth jet for the government because he's Dolph and he can do that kind of thing.
Any forward-thinking viewer will have figured out the majority of the plot before even eight minutes have ticked away. If you stay for the duration you'll be rewarded with overly-enthusiastic slow motion death throes and explosions that cast baddies in silhouette. Yeah, it's that kind of film.

1½ bipedal snakes out of 5

Dark Angel (1990)

It was released in 1990 but it’s a product of the tail end of the 80s action movie boom (ba doom). Dolph is one half of a reluctant buddy cop scenario, getting shit on by his disgruntled Captain for being a dangerous cop, etc. You know the deal. Brian Benben plays the other, shorter, federal agent half of the duo. I like Benben, so his character didn't irk me as much as it normally would. The two men are hunting a killer who just happens to be an alien who watched Predator films one too many times. That’s your lot.

2 white eyes out of 5

Rocky IV (1985)

I must've accidentally pickled up Rocky IV: Musical Montage Edition by mistake. Either that or the film single-handedly tried to define everything that was bad about sports movies in the 80s. It’s a flashy, spangly disaster that has many of the proper ingredients in place elsewhere, but the resultant pie fails to satiate. A dressing of political bullshit doesn't help.
Dolph Lundgren as Rocky’s opponent, Ivan Drago, gets to be one half of a USA Vs Russia approach that was handled clumsily. It was the first proper role for the Swedish actor, but he gets very little dialogue. He’s a puppet, whose on-screen wife would soon become Stallone’s real world wife.

2½ loud personalities out of 5

Johnny Mnemonic (1995)

Weigh the good against the bad in JM and the scales tip in favour of the bad, Keanu's acting is laughable (Razzie nominated) and Ice-T is impossible to take seriously (in everything, ever), but a big chunk of love for it regardless tips them back the other way in my estimation.
The screenplay is by William Gibson, based on his short story (1981); Gibson doesn't write simple stuff, but parts of it are somewhat underdeveloped.
It resembles a Beta of Masamune Shirow's software running on cobbled together cyberpunk hardware. It's also somehow reminiscent of yakuza movies from a decade before. And it has Henry Rollins.
It's a good thing it got made when it did, because in a post-Matrix (1999) world it wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell of existing as is.

3 residual traces out of 5

THE EXPENDABLES 3 [2014]

Director Patrick Hughes reunites Sly Stallone and the boys for one last job (wasn't the first film "one last job"?) in the third and hopefully final Expendables film.

This time around Mel Gibson plays the big bad with a strong lack of enthusiasm that doesn't help the stale action scenes one bit.  Arnie has finally run out of bad one-liners and resorts to repeating a famous one, not once but twice.  Jet Li, who's known for his ass-kicking martial arts skills and not his wooden acting, only acts here.  I could go on forever with reasons why this film lacked but it's not surprising.
What was surprising was how much fun the second film was, which this one is nothing like.

1 choppa out of 5

Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991)

SiLT was released in the early 90s but it’s firmly rooted in the 80s action movie genre. The music is awful and the atmosphere is non-existent when the music is absent. I’m not sure which I liked the least.
Brandon acts like a wet behind the ears am-dram hopeful.
Dolph fares better. He’s a street savvy, tough as nails cop who only has to walk toward glass for it to shatter. Together the two men go buddy-cop to take on the Yakuza in a Japanese district of L.A.
The highlight of the whole sorry affair is Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, who somehow manages to be good in everything no matter how shit it is.

1½ claws out of 5

SMALL APARTMENTS [2012]

Director Jonas Åkerlund's insanely weird black comedy Small Apartments is the type of film that could fall flat on it's face if not for it's perfect casting of each character.
It centers around Matt Lucas as a strange little bald man, who lives alone (with the exception of his landlord's corpse) and wears nothing but his undies & a new wig with each venture into the cruel world that surrounds him.  Åkerlund seems to have a firm grasp on his characters, as each aren't particularly great people but all are interesting and sympathetic.  The only problem is the narrative occasionally loses it's balance with some wonky pacing.  All in all, it's an enjoyable, sad and thoughtful quirky comedy that disturbs just as much as it makes you laugh.

3½ merkins out of 5

The Punisher (1989)

Dolph might look like a big dumb shit but he's a highly educated guy, holding a BA and an MA in Chemical Engineering (top of his class!). He's also a formidable athlete, holding a third dan black belt in Kyokushin. Simply put, he could kick your ass on the street and in the classroom. And yet, because of his stature and his enunciation skills he gets crappy film roles that perpetuate the action star/dumb shit stereotype. The Punisher is no different, but it has an underused stylistic element that sets it apart from the usual violent revenge flick and all the modern Marvel films.
I'd be interested in seeing the Swede acting in his native language to see if he's any better at it.

2½ rain-soaked streets out of 5

Masters of the Universe (1987)

Dir. Gary Goddard must’ve held a dream of making a Star Wars film, because that’s what he did with MotU. If you’re wondering how those two franchises could ever fit together - they don’t. The plot, the camera angles, the costumes and the music are all SW styled. (There’s also some of Williams’ Superman in there that’s even more ill-fitting). The only recognisable MotU elements are the gay overtones.
Meg Foster was a good choice for Evil-Lyn, but she’s underused. He-Man looks like Dolph in undies. Skeletor looks like an anaemic Jack Palance. It has Courtney Cox and Robert Duncan McNeill. Jebus wept!
I suspect the reason they dropped ‘He-Man’ from the title is because he’s hardly in it, perhaps because Dolph displays all the charisma of a brick.

0½ a pink Cadillac out of 5

THE EXPENDABLES 2 [2012]

Director Simon West's sequel to the 2010 shitfest is surprisingly better than the original.

The Expendables 2 delivers the goods like a heavy dose of testosterone injected straight into the head and in the process killing most of your brain cells. The dialogue is predictably terrible, the plot is like a paint by numbers and the jokes are groan worthy, but it's so damned loud and violent you won't care.  

You'll hate yourself for loving this shit but if you're going to go with dumb then go with fun.

2½ hilariously high bodycounts out of 5

THE EXPENDABLES [2010]

Sylvester Stallone recruits a who's who list of other 80's action stars to kick some ass along side modern action stars.  The premise sounds like a healthy shot of guilty pleasure testosterone.

Only it's not.

Instead it tests the viewer's ability to not find something else better to do.  So many frustrating moments of half-baked action that could have at least resorted to some sort of interesting cliched conflict but never pans out into anything other than grunts & snorts over CGI blood.
Feck this wasted opportunity.

1½ for 3 cool fight scenes out of 5