Fixed (2025)

After humping Nana's legs one too many times, an unruly mutt threatened with being neutered decides to run away from home in order to have one last great adventure while fully intact. I enjoy the traditional hand-drawn animation and the voice talent is strong, but that's about it. A lot of the humor is hit and miss and gets repetitive quickly, never feeling quite as transgressive as it should.

1½ Kool-Aid flavored toilet bowls out of 5

Masters of the Universe (2026)

I should preface this nut by stating that I don't have a very strong connection to the He-Man and the Masters of the Universe franchise. As with G.I. Joe and Transformers, it was a cartoon designed to sell a toy line. I never really found the premise too deep. Aside from owning a single He-Man action figure as a kid, I have no nostalgic ties to the character or the canon, which makes me the perfect guinea pig to test out the new direction of this latest reimagining.

Young Prince Adam is, by all accounts, a pussy (not unlike Cringer). When the evil Skeletor threatens Eternia, his royal parents send him to Earth (not unlike Kal-El) along with the Sword of Power, which he promptly loses. 15 years later, he tracks it down and returns to claim his birthright. So far, so good, right?

This movie is frustrating because of how much it does right. Visually, it looks amazing. The scale is epic, rich and powerful. The action scenes are dynamic and exciting. The soundtrack is fucking rocking, courtesy of Brian May from Queen (lots of nods to Highlander). However, tonally, it's weird and all over the fucking place. Everything is treated as a joke. Adam never really changes; even when harnessing the power of Grayskull, he's still the same loser except with half the wardrobe. Teela is the one to show him the ropes and assumes the position of power over him and her father, the drunken and disgraced Man-At-Arms. Skeletor looks way better than his 1987 representation yet still feels hugely underdeveloped. Evil-Lyn is hot and that's about the extent of her role.

What I can't forgive is the neutered characterization of Adam (as a modern day he-man in touch with his emotions), even as it attempts to address and criticize toxic masculinity. But it's simply not fun. In every other way, it blows the 1987 film out of the water. Yet it could have been so much better. Its sole purpose for existing seems primarily intended to bait Doc and Neg back out of hiding.

2½ fistings out of 5

A House of Dynamite (2025)

The White House Situation Room has just been informed of an intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBM) from an unknown origin set to target the city of Chicago within the next twenty minutes. Kathryn Bigelow's political drama plays it as close to the bone as possible, almost like a dry run for the actual event, as it unfolds from three different perspectives. I personally find movies like this quite boring; there's a lot of technical jargon and it's not very interesting to watch. And the movie ends without any sense of resolution, which just pisses me off. I guess the point of it is to show how unprepared the government is for unforeseen emergencies and how we're always minutes away from uncertain disaster. Just more fearmongering porn to add to the burning pile of humanity.

DEFCON 2 out of 5

Zootopia 2 (2025)

Sequel to the popular Disney film about anthropomorphic animals, featuring the unlikely partnership of Judy Hopps (sexy bunny) and Nick Wilde (sly fox) on a slithery mystery adventure that threatens to expose the origins of their storied utopia. Not quite as enchanting as its predecessor, in some ways, this feels like The Bad Guys all over again, except these are clearly the good guys. It's cute, it's cuddly, it's colorful, it's innocuous. No one is changed for it.

And I'm just going to come right out and say it. I want to fuck that rabbit. 

2 gateways to furryism out of 5

Sonic the Hedgehog 3 (2024)

Who would have thought that Sonic would become a Jim Carrey vehicle? This time, we've got two Eggmen and two hedgehogs, so double the destruction. As usual, stuff is happening at supersonic speed, there are characters from games I haven't played (Shadow is this volume's latest addition, voiced by Keanu) and a backstory going back 50 years that feels secondary to the plot. But every time Jim graces the screen, I've got a stupid smile plastered on my face. As far as quality is concerned, I would say this franchise has remained consistently entertaining, although clearly skewed for younger audiences.

It's more of the same, so if you enjoyed the others, you'll enjoy this one.

3 diamonds in the sky out of 5

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (2022)

I really have to appreciate that in 2022, a 60-year-old Jim Carrey is still doing the same larger-than-life comedy that I used to love back in the '90s. It's great just to watch him let loose and have fun with the character. There's a lot of collateral nostalgia from this movie, particularly if you grew up in that era. As far as video game adaptations go, this does feel true to its roots. It has the same hyper energy as the games and it's fun in that brain dead way where you don't have to think too much to enjoy it. As far as "plot" is concerned, Sonic is joined by Tails and finds a new foe in Knuckles. The most baffling decision is centering a whole B-plot around the human characters at a wedding in Hawaii that doesn't have much to do with anything.

3 green emeralds out of 5

The Dark Tower (2017)

The official film adaptation of Stephen King's fantasy western is a disaster. Beginning with Jake (Tom Taylor) in NY, it draws from more than just the first book. The boy is having dreams about the Tower that include the Man in Black; but revealing the primary antagonist so early robs him of any and all mystery - he's a man who ought to be partially defined by his elusiveness. But that's only the beginning of the film's failings; there are many, many more.

Idris Elba is weak as Roland Deschain, the book's famous gunslinger. The world in which he exists, Mid-World, gets minimal characterisation, as do its peoples. There's no allure, no sense of history, and no understanding of the series rich lore. It barely even qualifies as a western; it has more in common with sci-fi.

The filmmakers claim it's canonical; I've read all eight of the books and can understand why they think that, but it doesn't deserve to be perceived as such.

1½ skin masks out of 5

FINDING DORY [2016]

13 years after the wonderfully crafted Finding Nemo, Disney, Pixar & director Andrew Stanton make a much-anticipated return to their underwater world with Finding Dory.
The lovable blue tang fish with a short-term memory sets out to find her long lost parents leading her to a dizzying adventure in a Californian aquatic park where she meets all sorts of weird and wonderful characters.
I entered into the film a little cautious, thinking it couldn't stand up to the original that didn't really need a sequel but after an awkward first 15 minutes, I found myself at ease and constantly laughing at the story unfolding before me.  It manages to pack in a profoundly emotional punch, some hilarious moments for all ages and enough warmth to forgive any of it's very minor short-comings.

4 septopus out of 5

STAR TREK BEYOND [2016]

Director Justin Lin gives Captain Kirk & Friends a fast & furious makeover for the third installment of the Kelvin timeline, Star Trek Beyond.
This time around we follow the restless Enterprise crew into uncharted space where they meet a Big Bad who's bent on destroying the federation.
It's a pretty straight forward story that feels more like an old episode of TOS, especially by dropping the heavy cynicism of the first two films and diving deeper into the search for hope in humanity.  More a character piece than story driven film, we get plenty of great moments with the cast that all share an easily watchable on-screen chemistry.  There's some unforgivable face-palmy moments but Trek's always had it's fair share of bits that easily out-dates itself best taken with a grain of salt.
It's not going to win over any folks already hissing at the series but for those already invested in this series than it's as pleasurable as Insurrection or The Search for Spock.  A welcome stand alone film treading water in a world of sequels that require knowledge of every film in the franchise.

3 big green hands out of 5

THE JUNGLE BOOK [2016]

Joining Cinderella, Alice in Wonderland & Maleficent, director Jon Favreau's The Jungle Book is yet another addition to Disney's growing line of live-action remakes of their own animated classics.
This version mostly follows the plot of the animated film of an orphaned jungle boy being hunted down by a tiger, while leaning more towards the moodier and more vicious tones of Rudyard Kipling's anthology stories.  
It's an astonishingly beautiful film to look at with CGI animals that have convincing personality once you get past the fact that they don't quite look like the real thing.  There's not a whole lot of subtext or plot details to relish in, so it's best to take it with a grain of salt and accept that it's a wonderfully crafted summer adventure film.  

3½ bad ol' mama cuckoos out of 5

ZOOTOPIA [2016]

aka Zootropolis

Directors Rich Moore & Byron Howard put together a colorfully thoughtful feast for the eyes (and brain) with their gorgeously animated Zootopia.
Like Disney's 1973 animated Robin Hood adaptation, the viewer is brought into a world of anthropomorphic animals, seemingly living side-by-side in peace and harmony.  That is until their differences are put to the test, forcing the society to question whether they are as enlightened as they think they are.
With your usual garden-variety talking animal films (usually featuring martial arts panda bears) it's refreshing to see this one add in some intelligence and a number of important themes to ponder upon, like racism, sexism, unfair hierarchys and a heavy dose of xenophobia in a time of terrorism.  As Animal Farm-ish as it sounds there's no shortage of gags, excitement and all around good fun to be had for all ages.    

4 law-enforcing bunnies out of 5

BEASTS OF NO NATION [2015]

True Detective director Cary Joji Fukunaga brings Uzodinma Iweala's African child-solider novel, Beasts of No Nation to the life on the screen.
Young Agu (brilliantly portrayed by newcomer Abraham Attah) is forced into a squadron of West African child soldiers fighting for a violent rebel militia.
Beautifully photographed ugliness and eye-candy landscapes become a secondary character to the deeply upsetting but captivating story of rebuilding one's soul and psyche.  Many films like this would want to focus on the brutality of the war but this film wisely keeps it grounded as a very human story that is more interested in thoughts and experience.  It's a world where even a seemingly happy ending is lost in indelible hopelessness.

4 Imagination TV's out of 5

MANDELA: LONG WALK TO FREEDOM [2013]

Justin Chadwick adapts former South African president Nelson Mandela's auto-biography Long Walk To Freedom with mixed results.
On the plus side, Idris Elba & Naomie Harris turn in some towering performances that are both honorably emotional and demand respect.  With some prior knowledge of the Anti-Apartheid Movement and Mandela's 27 year imprisonment the film is quite interesting and moving.
On the minus, it tries to pack in way too much in the it's 2½ hour running time making for some questionable inclusions that do nothing to drive the narrative forward.  Without any prior knowledge of the history, audiences will be lost as the film-makers offer no explanation and expect you to be educated on the subject so it will easily ostracize many viewers.

3 long trousers out of 5

THOR: THE DARK WORLD [2013]

After Kenneth Brannagh shat the bed with the first film, I figured Game Of Thrones director Alan Taylor could only do better on Thor: The Dark World.
I was pleased to find my assumptions were slightly correct.  The first act is a dull bucket of boredom, however it's the second act where the story and conflict picks up into some enticing adventure and then it falls into an overdone grand finale of CGI effects and noise.  The only thing the first film had going for it, besides Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston was it's duck out of water humour which is sadly gone here.  It seems to take itself a bit too seriously, apart from a hilarious scene stealing Kat Dennings who fortunately gets a bit more screentime on this ride.
It's an improvement from the first film but doesn't stand up against it's Marvel counterparts.

2½ dreamy Cappy Americas out of 5

PACIFIC RIM [2013]

After being unable to get several projects off the ground, film-maker Guillermo Del Toro makes a triumphant return with the Saturday Morning Cartoon-esque sci-fi flick Pacific Rim.
Del Toro who usually makes his films dark and broody, wisely opted for a colorful and adventurous feel this time around making for the perfect type of popcorn film.  It's pretty light on substance but Del Toro's knack for great film-making is still firmly intact as he channels some more than obvious influences to create a damned great couple of hours of brainless fun.  It's ridiculous, loud, ballsy and probably as good as gets with this year's run of summer blockbusters.

3½ sons of anarchy out of 5

GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE [2011]

After Mark Steven Johnson's excruciatingly bad take on Marvel's lacklustre Ghost Rider character, Crank witer/director's Brian Taylor & Mark Nelvedine take over for the sequel, Spirit Of Vengeance.

The original film seemed to take itself a little more seriously than it should have, so it was nice to see the sequel indulge itself in the ridiculous trash that it is.  It looks and acts like a Crank film starring Nicholas Cage and toned down by a major studio.  Cage acts like he knows it'll become a series of animated gifs & Youtube clips, which quickly loses it's charm.  

While it might not be as bad as the first film, this one is still pretty bad.  

2 indestructible Twinkies out of 5

28 WEEKS LATER [2007]

Director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo's 28 Weeks Later, the sequel to Danny Boyle's "zombie" cult classic, shows a lot of promise in the first hour.  Unfortunately it spoils almost instantly, when it drops the potential of being a fantastic character study of conflict and falls into endless action & explosions.  It's still thrilling and disturbingly terrifying but somehow feels empty with it's focus on too many one-dimensional characters.
On the plus side, the kids are great and never step into the all too common trap of stupid and/or annoying.

3 run FROM the choppas out of 5

PROMETHEUS [2012]

Ridley Scott's first visit back to the Alien-verse since 1979, Prometheus, is a bit of a questionable one.

While it's nice to see a sci-fi film using physical sets and animatronics instead of 99.9% CGI, there's just too many elements missing to make it a bit disappointing.  The characters are bland and dumb as fuck, there's an extreme lack of menace and you can't help but feel that it went through rewrite hell.  However there are some great set-pieces and some VERY memorable scenes that will haunt me forever.

As a popcorn film it's an entertaining ride...as an Alien film, it's a colossal disappointment.

2½ Peter O'Toole's out of 5

RocknRolla (2008)

Guy Ritchie crime thriller set in London. The criminal underworld, the property market and the music business clash, while a couple of likely lads find themselves a part of the pot stirring. It’s cruelly funny in places, which was a nice surprise. Mr Shouty Butler was really good, the only time I've ever enjoyed watching him do anything other than die. Ritchie's films are always beautifully edited, but he needs to learn to hire more ruthless people, much of this could have been chopped and it would've made for a tighter film.

2½ back of the hand out of 5