A House of Dynamite (2025)

The White House Situation Room has just been informed of an intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBM) from an unknown origin set to target the city of Chicago within the next twenty minutes. Kathryn Bigelow's political drama plays it as close to the bone as possible, almost like a dry run for the actual event, as it unfolds from three different perspectives. I personally find movies like this quite boring; there's a lot of technical jargon and it's not very interesting to watch. And the movie ends without any sense of resolution, which just pisses me off. I guess the point of it is to show how unprepared the government is for unforeseen emergencies and how we're always minutes away from uncertain disaster. Just more fearmongering porn to add to the burning pile of humanity.

DEFCON 2 out of 5

The Bad Guys 2 (2025)

After turning over a new leaf and retiring from their old ways, the former Bad Guys struggle to reintegrate with society and are inevitably lured back into the fold by the Bad Girls. It's more of the same, which unfortunately means it's not for me. While the first film was very much inspired by the Ocean's Eleven-style heist genre, this one channels more of a Mission: Impossible spy feeling. I honestly don't understand why these movies are so popular because they feel visually bland and painfully uninspired, and I was bored out of my gourd.

And yes, there will be a third one.

1½ MacGuffinites out of 5

The Bad Guys (2022)

The Big Bad Wolf (of Riding Hood fame) teams up with a snake, a tarantula, a piranha and a shark in order to commit larceny and other crimes. They're the Bad Guys; villains of every story, viewed as monsters by society and taking advantage of their lot in life. As you might guess, since this is a kids' movie, it deals with issues of prejudice and stereotypes, and these guys are far from irredeemable. It's basically a low-stakes heist movie for kids, and if there's one less thing I need in my life, it's yet another heist movie. The voice cast has tremendous chemistry, but this is purely fodder for the little ones. As far as animation goes, I found it basic and generic. This is pretty low-hanging fruit.

2 full Clooneys out of 5

Twisters (2024)

30 years later, nostalgia is everything, but I definitely wasn't counting on this particular chestnut coming back again. Basically accomplishing the exact same task as its predecessor, two storm chasers are out...y'know...chasing storms and stuff. One happens to be a gritty, determined female and the other a brash, cocky male, so you know how that works out. This ain't rocket science, folks! If you've seen the original, there's nothing new for you here, but it's entertaining enough in that brain-dead popcorn way that audiences seem to eat up.

2½ foreboding cumulus clouds out of 5