Glass Onion (2022)

Rian Johnson follows up the successful Knives Out with another Benoit Blanc murder mystery that feels drastically different from the first. Taking place on a remote private island, it's a vacation mystery filled with high-tech gadgetry and hidden motives. Daniel Craig remains, but the rest of the cast changes, positioning him to become the next Hercule Poirot. It's an often convoluted puzzle box with the answers hidden in plain sight, which might detract from some of its thrills, but it's still worth the cost for all its opulent splendor. Craig is so great in the role, it might be the part he's remembered for over Bond.

3½ hourly dongs out of 5

CAPTAIN FANTASTIC [2016]

Silicon Valley's Matt Ross' second directorial feature-length Captain Fantastic proves if actor Viggo Mortensen wants Oscar recognition he needs to do full-frontal nudity.
Mortensen plays a recently widowed father, who believes his secluded family's lifestyle should go against the grain of the modern world and it's political, religious and decadent beliefs.  However all that is put to the test when they're forced to interact with the world, where they find sometimes the best lessons are learned with first-hand experience and not just books.
There's some interesting themes and plot-points thrown around but when it all comes down to it, it's really all about Mortensen's fantastic acting chops.  In fact the entire cast raises the film past it's so-so script and predictable quirkiness.

3 missions out of 5

BAD MOMS [2016]

Every now and then Hollywood's dime-a-dozen lazily written raunchy comedies actually manage to belt out a few good laughs.  Jon Lucas & Scott Moore's Bad Moms is one of them...sort of.
It's about three overly stressed-out mothers that decide to brush-off their long list of duties in retaliation against the group of stick-up their asses mothers that rule the PTAs.
There really isn't anything I can say about these type of films that hasn't been said before.  You either take it for the lowbrow flick that it is with it's cheap laughs and calculated heart-warming schmatlz only to brush it off with ease.  Or leave it because clearly there's a list of thousands of better things you could be doing with your life.  I for one enjoyed it for what it was, although I'm obviously not the target audience (even if weird juices are squirting out of my nipples at the moment) but I won't be rushing out to see this ever again.

2½ foreskin hoodies out of 5

THE VISIT [2015]

Remember as a kid while visiting the grandparent's house overnight you'd hear weird sounds from around their scary old person home?
Director M. Night Shyamalan takes that creepy grandparents concept and runs wild with it in The Visit, his first journey into the found footage thriller genre.
After a good decade or so of cinematic failures, it's nice to see M. Night get his shit somewhat together with this absurdly silly yet amusing spin on The Grimm's Fairytales.  The scares will cause more nervous laughter than genuine frights but that's part of it's sinister charm.  It's not quite up to par with The Sixth Sense but it's certainly no After Earth, so maybe we can begin thinking about forgiving the director for harming our braincells for ever so long.

3 diaper facials out of 5

TOMORROWLAND [2015]

Director Brad Bird's second live-action feature Tomorrowland is a breath of fresh air in a world of sequels, prequels, adaptations and reboots.
Unfortunately the lively sci-fi blockbuster doesn't quite add up to a whole lot once you peel away it's shiny skin.
By telling the tale of a young girl and a broken man who embark on a journey to find a futuristic world they've both visited in memories, Bird & screenwriter Damon Lindelof dissect the negative world that we live in.  They push the viewer into wanting to bring a positive outlook on life to make the world a better place but it's so heavy-handed one can't help but roll their eyes.  There's some wildly imaginative action sequences and beautiful visuals but they trounce all over the heart that should make the story more easier to side with.
It raises some questions and makes some strong statements while being throughly entertaining, so maybe it did exactly what it set out to do.

3 pintresting tubby times out of 5

THIS IS WHERE I LEAVE YOU [2014]

Director Shawn Levy tones things down from his usual fare for the quiet dysfunctional family drama, This Is Where I Leave You.
After the death of their father, four big city siblings are forced to return to their suburban home to live with their mother for a week which reveals many things about their messy past, present and futures.  It saunters through overly familiar territory but with it's dynamic cast (not a weak link in the group), realistically written potty-mouthed script and amusing moments galore it still manages to capture the heart by the end.  As great as the cast is, there's just so damned many characters, some of the more interesting ones are never fully explored and you're left yearning for just a bit more.  In a way it's a delightful wasted opportunity that just narrowly missed the mark from becoming what it wants to be.

3 Jewish atheists out of 5

BAD WORDS [2014]

Actor Jason Bateman makes his directorial debut with the twisted comedy, Bad Words.
Filled with some hilariously mean-spirited one-liners, the film is sure to offend and disturb anyone who's a bit too light-hearted to indulge in this sort of nasty sarcasm.  Bateman is superb as the vulgar and unlikable lead adult character who pushes his way into a child's national spelling bee contest.  As funny as the film can be, it falls short of anything memorable or a lack of topical conversation afterwards.
To put it simply, Bad Words is just alright.

3 girls without nipples out of 5