The Creeps (2025)

Extremely cheesy horror comedy about a kid celebrating his 17th birthday in Finland, where killer snowmen attack. It tries very hard to evoke the Gremlins ethos (including a cameo from Joe Dante), which works fine when it's practical effects, but the overreliance on CGI spoils a good thing. Filled with lots of '80s movie and TV references, including a very overt Highlander subplot (featuring Christopher Lambert himself). This all adds up to something that should have been a lot more fun than it was, but maybe I just wasn't in the right mood for it.

2 gluten allergies out of 5

HAIL, CAESAR! [2016]

The Coen Brothers dazzle with their impressive cast in thee Classical Hollywood Era comedy Hail, Caesar!
Using real-life Hollywood fixer Eddie Mannix as the leading character, the story tells of the disappearance of a renown actor off the set of their latest big budget epic, all the while dissecting the behind-the-scenes buffoonery that went on to divert audience's attention from the Red Scare.
It's an incredibly authentic recreation of the Post War Hollywood era, thankfully littered with light, silly performances from all folks involved and a breezy air about it that is just off-beat enough to keep film-lovers intrigued.  However, anybody not familiar with how film studios work behind-the-scenes or of the paranoid times the story is set in, will probably find themselves bored and wondering what's with all the weird silliness afoot.
Think of it as The Coen Brothers' own thematic prequel to David Lynch's Mulholland Drive.

3½ noodle lassos out of 5

The Hunted (1995)

Warning: western-made ninja movie! Uninspired crap guaranteed.
Hunted can't decide if it should subtitle the Japanese language sections or have them spoken in English. At one point it even starts with subs and changes to English halfway through a conversation.
Three things save it from the shit bin: the music of taiko troupe Kodō; Yoshio Harada being moody; and the beautiful Yôko Shimada. I love Yôko. I'd be attentive even if she was advertising a cure for foot odour.
The script could very easily be turned into Connor MacLeod in Japan learning how to use the samurai sword he had in the Highlander film; all that would be needed would be the addition of the whole immortality aspect.

2 giveaway shoes out of 5

Highlander: Endgame (2000)

Endgame hammers another contradictory nail into the coffin of continuity for the franchise. It features both movie MacLeod and TV MacLeod (Adrian Paul, another fake Scot, he's a Londoner). Together the two heroes attempt to stop a powerful immortal who talks a lot of villainous crap from exhausting every cliché in the book before the film's end.

The first fifteen minutes lack flair but are genuinely exciting. Events take a dive thereafter amid too many flashbacks and a mess of a story. 'There can be only one as many as needed,' it seems. The post-fight ending, though horribly realised in CGI, was at least memorable.
Wiki mentions a longer Producer's Cut. I haven't seen it.

1½ tomorrows out of 5

Highlander III: The Sorcerer (1994)

aka Highlander III: The Magician / Highlander III: The Final Dimension / Highlander: The Final Dimension / Highlander 3: The Final Conflict

Wisely ignoring the existence of the second film entirely, part III is a direct sequel to the first. Connor MacLeod—seen on the cover reaching up, desperately trying to grasp hold of the character’s escaping credibility—is back for more sword-wielding, era-hopping, fantasy action. It sticks close to the formula of the original, coming across like an ‘80s movie made in the ‘90s. I mean that in a good way, but unfortunately the rest of it is pants.
Mako features! Mako is charismatic even when given the worst dialogue imaginable, which is just as well because he gets some prime examples.

2 places to belong out of 5

Highlander II: The Renegade Version (1995)

Three official versions of the film exist. The theatrical cut (100 mins), known as Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), is an abomination. The Renegade Version (109 mins), aka The Director's Cut, that surfaced in ’95 reconstructs the film by rearranging key scenes, fixing many of the continuity errors and best of all completely rewriting the ridiculous origin story of the theatrical cut. It’s still an illogical mess, but in comparison to its predecessor it’s a masterpiece. A subsequent Special Edition (2004) is reportedly the same as the Renegade Version but with extra CGI and some colour correction; I've not seen it to confirm if that’s true or not. Detailing all of that has left me no room to talk about the actual film. Create a list of synonyms for ‘travesty’ and pick the ten best. That should suffice.

1 shithead out of 5

Highlander (1986)

An American-born, Swiss-raised, fluent in French guy plays a 16th century Scottish highlander. There’s an actual Scotsman playing a 2437-year-old Spaniard who’s really Egyptian. And finally, at least as far as this review is concerned, is an American actor portraying someone from Russia. Even though no one sounds anything like they’re supposed to and much of the plot is ridiculous it’s a bloody good film. Lambert’s myopic gaze has a real strength to it. Connery is pure Connery. The Kurgan is a wonderfully OTT villain that looks like death warmed up. The backlit, fantasy nonsense is eye-wateringly dramatic and the music ranges from eerie to epic. How or why it all works is indeed a kind of magic.

3½ heads are better than none out of 5

Fortress 2: Re-Entry (2000)

Sequel to the adventurous but ultimately average Fortress (1992). By attempting another escape, John Henry (strictly, still guilty) pokes a metaphorical middle finger up the nose of a tyrannical prison supervisor, but first he must find a way to disable the watchful computer eye.
The question you should be asking yourself now is: wasn't that exactly what happened in the previous film? The answer is yes.
Beneath the futuristic paint job it’s a prison movie by numbers; it even has a day one fight in the dining hall. I hate seeing food wasted.

1½ behaviour modifications out of 5

Fortress (1992)

It's 2017. John Brennick (Lambert) gets sent to a Maximum Security prison for a crime that he did commit. Yes, he’s guilty, even though the poster art implies that he isn't. Admittedly, there are mitigating circumstances, but if they were taken into account then the film wouldn't exist.
It’s a story of the steadfast nature of the human spirit in the face of adversity and inhumane practices. If you've been a fan of sci-fi for any length of time then you’ll have seen the separate parts of the tale 100 times before in many guises. If the thought of seeing it 101 times doesn't fill you with repulsion, then it’ll fill a 90 minute gap in your life.
The year 2017 doesn't seem very far away any more but it did back in ’92.

2½ barcodes out of 5

Mortal Kombat (1995)

Burly men, dry Ice, flaming skulls, bad acting and shit music? It must be Mortal Kombat. A shameless Enter the Dragon (1973) rip off/homage gets the characters to where they need to be, but they have nothing noteworthy to do when they get there. The film falls head first into a Paul W. S. Anderson sized hole. If not for Goro (unintentionally hilarious) and Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa I’d have died a slow death.

1 enfeebled mind out of 5

GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE [2011]

After Mark Steven Johnson's excruciatingly bad take on Marvel's lacklustre Ghost Rider character, Crank witer/director's Brian Taylor & Mark Nelvedine take over for the sequel, Spirit Of Vengeance.

The original film seemed to take itself a little more seriously than it should have, so it was nice to see the sequel indulge itself in the ridiculous trash that it is.  It looks and acts like a Crank film starring Nicholas Cage and toned down by a major studio.  Cage acts like he knows it'll become a series of animated gifs & Youtube clips, which quickly loses it's charm.  

While it might not be as bad as the first film, this one is still pretty bad.  

2 indestructible Twinkies out of 5