Remarkably Bright Creatures (2026)

"Why can humans not use their millions of words to simply tell one another what they desire?"

A lonely, aging cleaning woman befriends the octopus in her aquarium's exhibit tank while training her impetuous young replacement. It's a light dramedy with some heavy themes, not likely to ruffle many feathers (or tangle any tentacles), but it's pleasant enough in its familiar execution.

3 camouflage patterns out of 5

Oh. What. Fun. (2025)

Michelle Pfeiffer plays a GILF who is hosting the holidays this year, along with an all-star cast who apparently had nothing else better to do. Each year, I suffer through a new crop of Christmas movies that always recycle the same ideas and morals, which is that family sucks, but they're your family, blah, blah blah. You know that's exactly what you're going to get here. I'm disappointed that this came from Michael Showalter because I was expecting something dark and subversive. It positions itself to become a holiday classic devoted to moms, but you can't force that shit; from all the intentional Christmas Vacation and Home Alone vibes littered throughout. The only reason why this isn't a total piece of shit is because Pfeiffer elevates everything she does and she looks fucking incredible for 67, but that's not nearly enough to save it.

1½ sorrowful renditions of "12 Days of Christmas" out of 5

Dìdi (2024)

(Chinese: 弟弟; literally 'Younger Brother')

I'm not gonna lie. This movie made me feel really, really, really (really) down in the dumps afterwards. For so many reasons, I don't even know how to get into it. For example, because we're already making nostalgic coming-of-age movies about kids growing up in 2008 (I've never felt so old). But also for so many things I could both relate to and not relate to at all. 

Chris Wang is a 13-year-old who lives in California with his immigrant mother and teenage sister. He struggles to assimilate with American culture and cruel classmates who harbor prejudice towards him, while he attempts to win over the affections of his school crush, and generally making poor decisions along the way. I can of course relate to fucking everything up unintentionally with people and somehow always doing the wrong thing, no matter what.

It's a good movie, though; just hard for me to watch.

3 AIM conversations out of 5

The Hunted (1995)

Warning: western-made ninja movie! Uninspired crap guaranteed.
Hunted can't decide if it should subtitle the Japanese language sections or have them spoken in English. At one point it even starts with subs and changes to English halfway through a conversation.
Three things save it from the shit bin: the music of taiko troupe Kodō; Yoshio Harada being moody; and the beautiful Yôko Shimada. I love Yôko. I'd be attentive even if she was advertising a cure for foot odour.
The script could very easily be turned into Connor MacLeod in Japan learning how to use the samurai sword he had in the Highlander film; all that would be needed would be the addition of the whole immortality aspect.

2 giveaway shoes out of 5

Wedlock (1991)

aka Deadlock

At an undefined point ‘in the future’ Rutger Hauer’s luck goes unexpectedly sour. He’s placed in a penal colony where every inmate is fitted with an exploding, electronic collar that triggers if they wander outside of a painted border line. Cross the line = head goes boom.
What unfolds is predicable, light sci-fi stuff. I felt like I’d seen it before even though I hadn't. The prisoners are clichés and the twists and turns are totally transparent. But it’s not terrible and if you enjoy watching Rutger then it’s even enjoyable in places; he gets some caustic lines that raise a chuckle. It’s as if it set out to be average and achieved it.

2½ colourful names out of 5

Judge Dredd (1995)

Stallone appears with jutting chin and less than nine minutes later the helmet comes off. It ceases to be a Judge Dredd film and instead becomes a Sly Stallone film with a comedy sidekick! There’s a decent amount of plot squeezed into the running time, but it’s full of inconsistencies and one-liners.
To be fair, it’s not all bad. Mega-City One was interesting, some of the Council of Chief Judges were good (especially McGruder) and the addition of Hershey was a nice touch, or it would've been if she’d not been there simply to hang some hurried plot advancements on. If you somehow make it to the end you'll witness the worst part. Even Walter the Wobot would be appalled.

1½ deceptions out of 5