Zootopia 2 (2025)

Sequel to the popular Disney film about anthropomorphic animals, featuring the unlikely partnership of Judy Hopps (sexy bunny) and Nick Wilde (sly fox) on a slithery mystery adventure that threatens to expose the origins of their storied utopia. Not quite as enchanting as its predecessor, in some ways, this feels like The Bad Guys all over again, except these are clearly the good guys. It's cute, it's cuddly, it's colorful, it's innocuous. No one is changed for it.

And I'm just going to come right out and say it. I want to fuck that rabbit. 

2 gateways to furryism out of 5

The Electric State (2025)

In an alternate timeline, Walt Disney's animatronics have given birth to the robot uprising, which leads to an all-out war between robots and humans, until Mr. Peanut (played by Woody Harrelson) signs a coalition with Bill Clinton. It sounds like I'm kidding, but I'm not. No wonder it cost $320 million for a direct-to-Netflix film. Most of that must have gone to keeping the lawsuits at bay.

While the above sounds like a wild premise, all that information is condensed within the first 7 minutes of the movie. The rest of the film involves a teenage girl and an affable cartoon robot on a mission to find her long-presumed-dead brother, alongside a scoundrel and his wisecracking sidekick. On paper, this all sounds awesome, but for some reason it doesn't really work. The execution is painfully average and somehow manages to feel slow and uneventful despite everything going on in it. There's just no reason some movies need to be over two hours long. Cut 30 minutes out and maybe it wouldn't feel so superfluous.

The graphic novel this was based on appears to be highly acclaimed however, so perhaps interested parties should seek that out instead.

2 Neural Bifurcation™s out of 5

Love Hurts (2025)

A friendly real estate agent with a dark secret is reluctantly pulled into a world of murder and intrigue when the past comes catching up with him. This was Ke Huy Quan's first leading man role after winning best supporting actor for Everything Everywhere All at Once, so expectations were sky high, but unfortunately this was a waste of all talents involved. It's a violent action-comedy that ends up feeling like Jackie Chan Lite. I just wasn't feeling it at all.

1½ candy hearts out of 5

Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022)

How did this movie ever get made? I have no idea, but I'm so glad it did.

The Daniels follow up their breakout film, the wildly inventive Swiss Army Man, with a movie that is not bound to a single place and time, and simply exists on its own terms. A laundromat owner gets caught up in the multiverse while attempting to do her taxes. What follows is a mind-bending journey into the unknown, which borrows liberally from martial arts movies, slapstick comedies, Marvel superheroes, Pixar, anime, Wong Kar-wai, Fight Club and The Matrix. One of the most fiercely original, beautiful, contemplative, wacky, irreverent, soul-purifying and consciousness-expanding movies I've ever seen. Not only the best to come out of 2022, but also of the past five years. 

Have I managed to do this film justice? Not even close.

6 googily eyes out of 6 (in the universe where 6-nutters exist)

INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM [1984]

Director Steven Spielberg & writer George Lucas team up once again for the second instalment in their Indiana Jones series, the hit & miss prequel, The Temple Of Doom.
It's noticeably darker than the the first film, with quite a bit of violence, a pathetic attempt to lighten the mood with an prepubescent Asian side-kick and Mrs. Spielberg herself, Kate Capshaw in a particularly annoying role as the screechy leading lady.  The beginning and the end are just as great as the first film but it's everything in the middle that is painfully terrible.  Some memorably gory scenes and a barf-bag inducing cuisine sequence attempts to make up for the poor quality but fails.
It might bring up some good memories watching it as a kid but by removing my nostalgia goggles it makes for a cringe-worthy experience.

2½ chilled monkey brains out of 5

THE GOONIES [1985]

The collaborative efforts of storytellers Chris Columbus & Steven Spielberg with director Richard Donner resulted in one of the defining films of many folk's childhood, The Goonies.
With it's spirited and nostalgic sense of adventure it remains a timeless classic for anybody as a child dreamed of something bigger and better hidden within their everyday life.  Shining with a particularly entertaining child cast (take note of Jeff Cohen as Chunk), The Goonies blends Indiana Jones and The Hardy Boys for one exciting trap after another.   It's a little loud and sloppily put together when it comes to a clean storyline but it really doesn't matter when you're in it for the memories or showing it to the kids for the first time.  Good times.

3½ hilarious sounds of vomit out of 5