Young Washington (2026)

Sadly, this isn't a case of a Mel Brooks-style spoof starring Gene Wilder and Marty Feldman. Which would have actually made this pile of shit watchable.

Just in time for the semiquincentennial of the United States of America, this patriotic hogwash is a dry, stale series of historical reenactments steeped in 18th century propaganda. I know it's become the vogue thing to shit on history, especially when it comes to celebrating victory steeped in violence, but this is a very sanitized PG-13 version of events, full of divine intervention, which doesn't seem especially historically accurate. It follows young Georgie as he makes his way up the ranks of warfare, stopping just short of the American Revolutionary War, with the Declaration of Independence and his Presidency merely relegated to a footnote. I don't have any issues with celebrating key historical figures, but I do have a problem with lame nationalistic messages being passed off as light entertainment. This movie feels like school.

1 quarter out of 5

Deep Water (2026)

Aw man, this movie had such potential to be great. After a fire breaks out in the plane's cargo hold, passengers brace for impact as they land in the open ocean. What's worse than surviving a plane crash? Fucking sharks. That's right, we have our requisite Jaws knockoff to meet our shitty shark quota this year.

Razzie favorite Renny Harlin brings us one of the most horrific depictions of a plane accident I've ever seen, and this movie actually had me weeping with emotion before the CGI sharks showed up and ruined it. Hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day. Damn this stupid shark movie for making me care.

2½ cigarettes out of 5

Jules (2023)

This movie made me very emotional for reasons I can't quite explain. The central theme being that older people really need company. Ben Kingsley is completely sympathetic as the widower exhibiting early signs of senility who finds a crashed spaceship in his backyard. But since he's old, of course no one will believe him. It's a very sweet and charming story with a touching message at the heart of it, although the serious issues are treated solemnly without sugar-coating anything. It's reminiscent of gentle science fiction such as E.T. or Cocoon. I thought it was a beautiful film and I absolutely cherish it.

4 dead cats out of 5

Thunderbirds (2004)

A live-action version of Gerry + Sylvia Anderson's much-loved television show was a bad idea to begin with, but whoever decided that the story should have the original members of International Rescue incapacitated for the majority of the running time took the concept of bad ideas to a whole new level of injudiciousness. In place of the core team we get three of their kids, teens who must rise to the challenge and save the organisation's lauded reputation from the schemes of The Hood (Ben Kingsley - WTF?).
Honestly, it's as awful as it sounds. If you're a dedicated fan of the original series, then it may even be worse than it sounds. I kept hoping that the marionette version of International Rescue would fly in to meta-save the world from the live-action version, but it didn't happen.

1 ghastly green screen out of 5

Rules of Engagement (2000)

From a bloody war in Vietnam, to a bloodbath in the Yemen years later, and finally to a politically dodgy court room in America, Colonel Terry Childers (Samuel L. Jackson) stands up for what he believes in.
A retired Col Lawrence (Tommy Lee Jones) stands with him, although he has doubts about his ability to get the job done favourably.
Leaving aside the supposed flag-waving that some folks accused Dir. William Friedkin of, RoE isn't a bad film, but nor is it a particularly memorable example of the courtroom drama. The dramatic combat scenes fare better, but by the time the final verdict drops it may feel like its overstayed its welcome.

3 sitreps out of 5

The Last Legion (2007)

Set in Britain and Rome in the year 460 AD, TLL is an action/adventure movie with an underdeveloped coming of age element, some acceptable sword fighting, a bundled cliched romance between allies, a rousing few-versus-many speech and a cookie-cutter battle-heavy finale. Its best feature, however, is that it has very little CGI in support of most things on that list.
Themes including self-sacrifice, friendship, honour, duty, and accepting responsibility are surface-skimmed in a manner that suggests the filmmakers achieved what they set out to do, which was to tick a number of well-worn boxes and avoid any of the more interesting ones. It is what it is: i.e. a movie that's as unremarkable as my half-assed commentary on the thing itself.

2½ well-groomed beards out of 5

WAR MACHINE [2017]

Director David Michôd takes some broad satirical jabs at the American military in the darkly comical War Machine.
Loosely based on the real life events of the firing of General Stanley A. McChrystal, Brad Pitt turns in a strong performance as a celebrated general who, while serving in Afghanistan, is put under the microscope by a Rolling Stone journalist.
It's not too subtle and takes the piss out of proud America and it's military with a heavy hammer.  It takes turns being funny, scary and sad but never seems to find a solid footing to make the impact it intends to.  Fortunately it's aided by an excellent cast, some making strong impressions with only a few minutes of screen-time.   It's a case of "tell me something I don't already know" but at least it's got some great honest moments to make some of it memorable.

3 excellent reasons not to switch seats out of 5

THE JUNGLE BOOK [2016]

Joining Cinderella, Alice in Wonderland & Maleficent, director Jon Favreau's The Jungle Book is yet another addition to Disney's growing line of live-action remakes of their own animated classics.
This version mostly follows the plot of the animated film of an orphaned jungle boy being hunted down by a tiger, while leaning more towards the moodier and more vicious tones of Rudyard Kipling's anthology stories.  
It's an astonishingly beautiful film to look at with CGI animals that have convincing personality once you get past the fact that they don't quite look like the real thing.  There's not a whole lot of subtext or plot details to relish in, so it's best to take it with a grain of salt and accept that it's a wonderfully crafted summer adventure film.  

3½ bad ol' mama cuckoos out of 5

EXODUS: GODS AND KINGS [2014]

Director Ridley Scott takes it upon himself to retell the biblical story of The Amazing Adventures of Moses & The Jews in Exodus: Gods and Kings.
Uber-broody Christian Bale is cast as a sword-wielding Moses who leads 600,000 Jewish slaves out of Egypt to freedom and along the way they meet all sorts of zany characters and exciting hijinks ensue  Visually, the film is pretty damned spectacular, in both scenery and special effects, never denying itself the chance of a sweeping CGI overhead shot of the ancient lands and cities.  Elsewhere like in the heart and brains department, Exodus lacks a great deal.  Scott tries to scientifically explain all the biblical events like the parting of the Red Sea or the different plagues and in turn, he sucks all the magic out of what is actually a pretty amazing story and turns it into dazzling dullness.

2½ Godly kids out of 5

THE BOXTROLLS [2014]

Based on Alan Snow's off-kilter children's novel Here Be Monsters!, directors Graham Annable & Anthony Stacchi's The Boxtrolls is another stop-motion film that seems to be aimed at shopping mall goth kids who loved A Nightmare Before Christmas.
The story of a boy who was raised underground by a race of trash-collecting trolls only to have their peaceful existence put in peril when a nasty exterminator comes into the mix.  While the film is packed with plenty of visual splendor, a wild imagination and a macabre sense of charming humor it doesn't quite hit the mark.  The film-makers admirably spent so much time on nearly every jaw-dropping aspect of the film but somewhere along the line they forgot to give the leading characters a pulse and that's where it hurts the most.  With that in mind, put the really young ones to bed and you'll still find plenty to enjoy out of this film no matter where it fizzles a bit.

3 fish out of 5

SEXY BEAST [2000]

Director Jonathan Glazer's feature length debut comes in the form of Sexy Beast, a profanity riddled crime drama where you know graphic violence is going to erupt at any given moment.
It follows the story of a retired thief who is bullied into doing one last job by a frightening gangster that won't take no as an answer.
The first half of this surprisingly short film is actually quite intriguing, mostly due to Ben Kingsley's absolutely phenomenal performance, that's executed with graceful viciousness and intimidating hilarity.  However the intrigue completely deflates in the second half as it falls into complete predictability and tries way to hard to set itself up as a run-of-the-mill crime drama reeking of Guy Richie.

3 heart-breaking boulders out of 5

A Sound of Thunder (2005)

That isn't the sound of thunder. It’s the sound of giant plot holes forming at an alarming rate. It's the sound of credibility being torn apart. It's the sound of a Ray Bradbury short story being stretched and twisted and filled with horse shit. It's the sound of failure.

1½ suicidal fish out of 5

ENDER'S GAME [2013]

After nearly 30 years since it was first published, fans of Orson Scott Card's sci-fi/war youth novel Ender's Game are finally given the big screen treatment by director Gavin Hood.
Does it live up to expectations?  Thankfully it mostly does, with only a few minor "grumble-grumble" moments but you can't please everybody.  It doesn't quite get as into Ender's head as much as the book nor does it explore it's many themes and instead opts for more of a eye-popping spectacle and that's all right.  It never bores and has just enough character to keep the plot driving forward with each action sequence.  A very fine sci-fi film to introduce the kids to that will keep the parent's attention from beginning to end as well.

3½ Little Doctors out of 5

IRON MAN 3 [2013]

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang director Shane Black reunites with Robert Downey, Jr. on the third instalment of the ridiculously popular Iron Man franchise.
A little darker than the previous films, IM3 still delivers on the loud, vibrantly colored action sequences and enthusiastic performances from all parties involved.  The main attraction is the humorous chemistry & witty banter between RDJ and Don Cheadle, which I never tired of, unlike the climax, which was a lot of fun but eventually felt over-done and cliche.  Sure there's plenty of annoyances sprinkled throughout the film (particularly the introduction of an annoying kid) but it has just enough well-paced adrenaline and biting dialogue to rise above the half-baked previous film.

3 "bedtime stories" out of 5

Death and the Maiden (1994)

Roman Polanski’s adaptation of Ariel Dorfman’s play of the same name is a tense and morally suffocating piece of film. Both Sigourney Weaver and Ben Kingsley give it their all in characterising their respective players; it's a dark and lonely mindset to even begin to imagine.
Polanski’s use of space is intentionally restrained, but the attention to detail is of his usual standard. He keeps your attentions right where he wants them every step of the way.

3½ telephone wires out of 5

Oliver Twist (2005)

An adaption of the classic Dickens tale starring a straggly bearded Ben Kingsley as the stooped and crooked Fagin, supported by a number of TV actors relatively unknown outside of Britain.
There’s very little of the real Polanski on offer; it’s mostly bloodless and the violence is handled respectfully.
The kids are uninteresting which is not ideal in a film like this. Bill Sikes’ big moment is either badly presented or was heavily cut in my version.
What saves it are Kingsley’s ability to be both comedic and tragic and the passion of the young Nancy (played by Leanne Rowe).
Overall it's good but could've and should've been much better.

3 civil words from an avaricious old geezer out of 5

THE DICTATOR [2012]

Larry Charles, of Seinfeld fame, directs Sacha Baron Cohen in the ruthless political satire The Dictator.  As usual, the comedian goes out of his way to shock and offend, while dishing up a healthy taste of outrageous humour.  Movie buffs will be pleased to see numerous nods to Charlie Chaplin's The Great Dictator and The Marx Brothers' Duck Soup all the while being assaulted with heavy doses of vulgarity and off-colour remarks to appease the kids.  It's not a perfect film and threatens to completely fall apart several times but offers enough laughs and political wit to impress.

3 walls of celebrity fucks out of 5

Species (1995)

Scientists make an alien/human hybrid using DNA data transmitted from the deep dark corners of space. You just know that’s going to end well.
Species could have been really amazing. The first half hour is great. The creature design is excellent. The CGI is bad. Natasha Henstridge is surprisingly good. Forest Whitaker is his usual great self. Everyone else is wooden. The pacing is clumsy. The finale is abysmal.  In the end it’s more shit than shine, but has a few moments that will please sci-fi/horror fans.

2½ parent traps out of 5

Hugo (2011)

"We could get into trouble."
"That's how you know it's an adventure..."

This movie is not at all what I imagined it would be. Taking place largely in a 1930s Parisian train station, it follows a boy who winds clocks, a reserved toy shop owner, a charming young girl, and an inept inspector as they try to piece together the mystery of a broken automaton (I can't help but recall Edward Scissorhands). But that's only a small part of the story. I figured it would involve a lot of gears and clockwork and steampunk values, but it actually ties into early cinema...I won't spoil it any further than that. This charming fable for adults (and advanced children) is a delight to watch, and the score by Howard Shore is marvelous.

4.5 heart-shaped keys out of 5

SHUTTER ISLAND [2010]

Director Martin Scorsese takes Leonardo DiCaprio for a spooky ride in Shutter Island. Based on Gone Baby Gone author Dennis Lehane's novel, Scorsese gives it vibrant flair of noir-ish dreamlike creepiness.
DiCaprio is good but it's Sir Ben Kingsley and Mark Ruffalo who turn in subtly superb performances that may go unnoticed upon a first viewing. The morbid surreal atmosphere is so thick here you can cut with a rusted knife. The plot twists and turns with each corner taken but never gets too mind-boggling to detract from the flow of the story.
With each viewing it gets better and better as you notice the extreme attention to careful detail. It's not Scorsese's best film but it's a helluva a lot better than most cinema we're subjected to today.

4 Truth And Lies out of 5