The Last Legion (2007)

Set in Britain and Rome in the year 460 AD, TLL is an action/adventure movie with an underdeveloped coming of age element, some acceptable sword fighting, a bundled cliched romance between allies, a rousing few-versus-many speech and a cookie-cutter battle-heavy finale. Its best feature, however, is that it has very little CGI in support of most things on that list.
Themes including self-sacrifice, friendship, honour, duty, and accepting responsibility are surface-skimmed in a manner that suggests the filmmakers achieved what they set out to do, which was to tick a number of well-worn boxes and avoid any of the more interesting ones. It is what it is: i.e. a movie that's as unremarkable as my half-assed commentary on the thing itself.

2½ well-groomed beards out of 5

Albela (2001)

A fortune teller tells an enthusiastic tour guide named Tony (Govinda) that his dream woman is on her way. When Tony spies Sonia (Aishwarya Rai) at the airport, he believes it to be her. Instantly besotted with Aish, he does his best to charm her with his happy-go-lucky personality.
The initial setup gave the impression that fate would be watching events with us, lurking around corners or behind closed doors, perhaps, but it turned out to be forgotten about for most of the running time, returning only when all else had failed to stir. If you're a fan of Govinda, then maybe you'll get something worthwhile out of it. But in truth there's not a lot of substance to anything. If Albela was a food, then it'd be little more than a light snack, and about five minutes after finishing it I'd be just as hungry as when I started.

1½ yellow plush toys out of

Khakee (2004)

A politically-charged Bollywood drama in which five Mumbai police officers, led by India's finest Bachchan, travel to Maharashtra to ensure that a well-known terrorist (Atul Kulkarni) is safely brought to trial, but an additional, intelligent threat (Ajay Devgan) violently attempts to derail the process.
The comedy scenes aren't much good, the action is rarely smooth, and the small number of songs feel forced, but there's enough quality drama stitching it all together to ensure that the whole is better than the sum of its parts.
This one's about the men, meaning Aishwarya doesn't get to do very much.

3½ accusations out of 5

Guru (2007)

The story of Gurukant Desai, a villager with an ambitious dream and the voraciousness to actualise it. To achieve his goal of being the richest man in India Gurukant is willing to take whatever steps he deems necessary.
Abhishek received a wealth of praise for his portrayal. I'm going to add to it. I've never seen him better. Aishwarya, prominent on the cover, spends much of her time in the background, supportive in both character and role.
At times it's reminiscent of Welles' Citizen Kane (1941), and like it is based on the life of a real person (in Guru that's Indian tycoon Dhirubhai Ambani).
It's maybe uncommon to wish that a Bollywood film had an even longer running time than they typically have, but in Guru's case I think that it needed one because the years fly by too fast, leaving little time for important changes to be depicted as anything more than visual.

3 bogus truths out of 5

Jazbaa (2015)

After an exploitative post-baby workout vid shows that she's still hot, Aishwarya gets to do some proper acting. A few years off didn't dull her edge. Both she and Irrfan Khan are the main reason the film works at all; without them it would struggle to remain afloat, bogged down as it is with attempts to be logical despite obvious questions being pushed aside or outright ignored.
It's difficult enough to feel sympathy for selfish protagonists, but destroying the all-important court scenes with awful camerawork and swamping the reality of many other scenes by colour enhancing them to within an inch of their life created an additional barrier that could've been avoided.
If you're already a fan of both Aishwarya and Irrfan then you'll likely get your money's worth, like I did; otherwise, deduct half a point from my score.

3 chilling statistics out of 5

Dil Ka Rishta (2003)

A rich bachelor (Arjun Rampal) with plenty of time on his soft hands falls in love with a beautiful teacher (Aishwarya Rai) and consequently finds himself deep in a mostly cliché-ridden situation for his troubles, but at least they were used correctly. Interestingly, however, his rival in love is a hell of a nice guy, making it difficult to choose who to best sympathise with.
The tragedy is worked into the story well enough, but it could've been staged better. Afterwards, it asks a viewer to accept some wild turns in the plot. If you're in a forgiving mood and willing to go with the flow (i.e. not over-analyse too much) then I'd wager most folks won't regret giving it their time.
Rakhee Gulzar's 'angry mother glares' are memorable, like daggers in the soul.

2½ past tenses out of 5

Umrao Jaan (2006)

It's decidedly beautiful to look at but there's a vital spark of life missing from Umrao Jaan.  In some ways the absence serves to heighten the aura of melancholy that surrounds the courtesan as she narrates the story of how she lived her life and earned her name, but any positive assumptions in that direction are outweighed by lingering misgivings that whisper 'it's not as good as it could've been.' Nevertheless, I did love the symbolism behind her placement for the telling, the poetic structure, the finery and the double-edged aspect of the sheltered brothel lifestyle.

3 blessed breaths out of 5

Raincoat (2004)

A simple title for a powerful film about two past lovers spending a rainy afternoon together. They share lies and half-truths and paradoxically, through a mingling of misdirection and symbolism, reveal more about their inner-feelings than even they’re aware of. It’s adapted from O Henry’s The Gift of the Magi (1906) short story, but even familiarity doesn't weaken it.
Ajay Devgn takes the idea of a broken man with a wounded heart and uses it as motivation for his every action. Aishwarya’s role is one that’s equal parts active and reactive, using one as a mask to hide the other. She allows the finely-drawn subtleties of her character to work their secret magic at the expense of her usual luminosity. Both actors are excellent. TV star Mouli Ganguly also impresses in a secondary, supportive role.

4½ unseen securities out of 5

Shabd (2005)

Dir. Leena Yadav’s début feature stumbles in the early stages while trying to sit two very different aspects comfortably side by side, but it finds its feet as it progresses, ultimately delivering an experience that’s daring and should be applauded for doing something different with the usual love-triangle.
It’s about successful author Shaukat Vashisht. He takes a critical blow to his ego from critics. When his urge to write returns he tackles the most difficult of subjects, pushing events in his real life to breaking point, hoping to use the conflicts as material for his fictional world, potentially becoming a more tragic character than the one he hopes to give life to.

3½ embraced words out of 5

Hum Kisi Se Kum Nahin (2002)

A ‘comedy’ about a Mumbai gangster, a generous doctor, a beautiful dance teacher and some other guy that likes to make prank phone calls that aren't funny in the slightest. Sanjay Dutt was entertaining and the film enabled Amitabh Bachchan to be less serious than he's often asked to be, but the plot dragged its heels once the central gag wore thin.
There was no dancing in the rain. I felt cheated. That’s like a Hollywood action movie without a car chase, or a French movie without tits.

2 pink turbans out of 5

Kuch Naa Kaho (2003)

For a while it’s standard fare for this kind of film: man, woman, wrong foot, interfering family, filler, rain, waterproof mascara, etc. but then it throws in an unexpected element. In the third act it returns to the formula by digging its emotional claws mercilessly into your heart. It's done well, so even predicting the eventual destination doesn't ruin the journey.
The chemistry between the two leads is good. They must've agreed, because they got married in real life four years later.

3 wishing coins out of 5

Bride and Prejudice (2004)

A retelling of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice that takes place in modern day India. There’s a vague attempt to draw parallels between marriage in early 19th Century England and marriage in early 21st Century India (quick, marry off your daughters!), but it’s not very successful.
It relies instead on its rom com appeal, but there’s no convincing rom to be found and the com is bad com. I'm supposed to believe the protagonists are in love? I've shared more passionate moments with my own shite.

1 snake dance out of 5

The Mistress of Spices (2005)

One of India's most beautiful actresses in an English language movie set in California. Her radiance can’t hide the fact that it's an empty, hollow romantic comedy with little other than her to make it worth your time.

1½ dramatic chillies out of 5

Mohabbatein (2000)

Three male students, three women (one for each guy), one hard-nosed school principal determined to keep his kind of order no matter what and Shah Rukh Khan being awesome. Wow! It's a hell of a good film that many people will overlook because its running time is more than twice that of a typical English language movie. It promises ‘Mohabbatein’ and that’s exactly what it delivers.
If I'd been viewing it in a theatre I’d have given it a standing ovation. But I was at home, so I grabbed a tissue instead and dried my appreciative eyes.

5 personification storms out of 5

Devdas (2002)

Devdas is a man hopelessly lost in the grip of love, both in the favourable aspects of it and the unfavourable ones. He's torn between a childhood love and a courtesan while trying to hold onto his own sense of right and wrong and obey the familial concerns that India places on its sons.
It’s an explosion of theatrical colour and emotion that left me wondering why anyone other than India bothers making tragic love stories. They will never come close to the Bollywood bar.
Seek out the full 184 minute version if you can. That ending!

5 chalices overflowing with metaphor out of 5