We Are Family (2010)

Aman (Arjun Rampal) has three children with Maya (Kajol), but the couple are divorced. He lives now with Shreya (Kareena Kapoor) and has the fool notion that he'd like his new partner to meet his children in his old partner's house during his youngest child's birthday party. Some guys just aren't too bright.
I'm in no way intending to trivialise the subject matter dealt with in the film, but the resultant story is pretty terrible, the sentimentality forcibly mawkish, and the situations feel much too engineered. If it was a painting it'd be palate knife painted, thick and amateurish. If it was a book it'd be from a first-time novelist. It hits its mark at the end, though, but that's true of many Bollywood films. I'll give it an additional half point, anyhow, because endings are hard.

2½ spaghetti fights out of 5

Heroine (2012)

A glimpse into the darker side of Bollywood fame, exploring the pressures and the backstabbing that its stars have to contend with. Mahi (Kareena) is one such star, sitting pretty on a wave of popularity that can't sustain itself. When stormy waters hit, she takes drastic measures to remain relevant.
There's some interesting commentary on the country's big budget output vs its lower budget stuff, and a clever parallel with Kareena's own career choices, but very little about the production gels together. It looks pretty, but too often opts to tell rather than show its most important themes, and the acting of most of the secondary characters is rubbish, at best. Not for the first time in Indian cinema, the last half hour is where it really shines.

2½ controversies out of 5

Dil Ka Rishta (2003)

A rich bachelor (Arjun Rampal) with plenty of time on his soft hands falls in love with a beautiful teacher (Aishwarya Rai) and consequently finds himself deep in a mostly cliché-ridden situation for his troubles, but at least they were used correctly. Interestingly, however, his rival in love is a hell of a nice guy, making it difficult to choose who to best sympathise with.
The tragedy is worked into the story well enough, but it could've been staged better. Afterwards, it asks a viewer to accept some wild turns in the plot. If you're in a forgiving mood and willing to go with the flow (i.e. not over-analyse too much) then I'd wager most folks won't regret giving it their time.
Rakhee Gulzar's 'angry mother glares' are memorable, like daggers in the soul.

2½ past tenses out of 5

Bollywood Temptation 2004 Live Concert (2006)

Half a dozen of Bollywood's biggest stars act out dance routines on a stage in Westfalenhalle Dortmund (Germany) while miming to other people’s songs. Yes, that’s similar to what happens in films, but for some reason I don't feel cheated there. Do I call it a concert or is it musical theatre?
I would comment further on the legitimacy of Temptation 2004 if the actual film wasn't so unbearable. The audience are so damn loud; their screeching is painful to the ear. It’s like Beatlemania. The only let-up is during the backstage sections.
In short, it's a potentially enjoyable façade ruined by a paying audience who could've stayed at home and screamed for free.

1 high-pitched housewife out of 5

Don (2006)

A slick Indian action/thriller that isn't quite as amazing as it pretends to be. It’s a little bit European and a lot American in style. If Hollywood remade it it’d likely star Tom Cruise. That’s the kind of crap it is.
SRK has fun in a dual role as a Mafia villain and a selfless nobody. Arjun Rampal has a lesser role and does just as well with what he’s given. The ladies get a share of the action and drama, but are mostly there for support.

2½ twisty twists out of 5

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (2006)

It seems to be that the further away from India Bollywood movies are set, the less I enjoy them. KANK is set in New York. Two marriages, in which both couples married for love, not through arrangement, begin to break down. The plot follows a path that can be seen from a mile away, but it deals with some themes that I’d not seen handled that way before and it deals with them in a mature manner. A lot of the comedy was hit and miss, though, but that wasn't why I was there, so it was forgiveable. I was there because of the cast, all of whom got their moment to shine.

3 uninvited circumstances out of 5

Ra.One (2011)

The worst Indian film I've yet sat through is an attempt to mimic Hollywood sci-fi/action cinema. It succeeded. It even outdid Hollywood in spectacular fashion. The CGI is off the scale. So is the theft. Most of the plot is made from parts of Terminator 2, TRON, Iron Man, and The Matrix. If copyright actually meant anything in India, then lawyers would pluck Ra.One clean.
It’s primarily a kid's film but there are moments wholly inappropriate for that demographic, such as pervy airport guy getting excited over a possible knob piercing. There's comedy, bad chart music, super-jumps up Battersea Power Station and… enough! Some restraint was needed.

1½ proverb folders out of 5

Om Shanti Om (2007)

Butt-numbing Bollywood epic that spans a lifetime. It’s a film about film and it’s a film about love. It’s also a film about the love of film. It works best when it exposes the superficiality of cinema, but fails to stay atop the pedestal when it succumbs to the very same thing.
There seems to have been more money spent on makeup for one scene than I have to spend on food in a month.
It gets a little weird halfway through, but stick it out for a great ending.

3 coconuts and wine out of 5