Agent Vinod (2012)

Vinod is a continent-hopping suave agent who does the same kind of things that you've probably seen dozens of other movie secret agents do.
Given that the poster art montage suggests an Indian cousin of James Bond in a Fast + Furious crossover directed by Michael Bay, it's fair to say that I was less than optimistic about seeing the film. Mercifully, it isn't as bad as all that, but nor is it anything worth singing many praises about, because when I watch a Bollywood movie I want something that only India can give. What I don't want is the same kind of boring polish that Hollywood action movies favour.
Much of AV is the latter. It's only when it tries to be slick and fails — making the ridiculous OTT action scenes seem as comical as they are fantastical — that it manages to produce any kind of unique appeal.

2½ life-changing poems out of 5

Bollywood Temptation 2004 Live Concert (2006)

Half a dozen of Bollywood's biggest stars act out dance routines on a stage in Westfalenhalle Dortmund (Germany) while miming to other people’s songs. Yes, that’s similar to what happens in films, but for some reason I don't feel cheated there. Do I call it a concert or is it musical theatre?
I would comment further on the legitimacy of Temptation 2004 if the actual film wasn't so unbearable. The audience are so damn loud; their screeching is painful to the ear. It’s like Beatlemania. The only let-up is during the backstage sections.
In short, it's a potentially enjoyable façade ruined by a paying audience who could've stayed at home and screamed for free.

1 high-pitched housewife out of 5

Kal Ho Naa Ho (2003)

There’s a hugely enjoyable and impassioned story in Kal Ho Naa Ho, about three people who affect each other's lives in meaningful ways, but it takes approx 80 minutes to be effective and that’s just too damn long.
Prior to that it’s a face-palming bad rom-com with paint by numbers acting and possibly the worst song and dance numbers I've ever sat through. I’m deducting points for all of that.
If you do stick around until after the intermission, the change is staggering. SRK and PZ decide it’s time to actually do some acting, while the director takes off the blindfold and delivers some truly unforgettable scenes.

3 beats skipped out of 5