Dil Ne Jise Apna Kaha (2004)

A Bollywood remake of Return to Me (2000), an English language film starring David Duchovny and Minnie Driver that I've no intention of ever watching.
In the Hindi version Rishabh and Parineeta (Khan and Zinta) are in love, the contrived, too perfect kind that makes an onlooker sick with revulsion.
It's a callous thing to say but I was glad when the inevitable tragedy screwed them; the reason being that what followed at least had the potential to be less mediocre. Alas, the potential was equally watered down. The basic idea remained entirely basic, challenging nothing but an endurance for blandness.
A viewer who's less critical and more sentimental than I am may be able to derive something they consider worthwhile from the film, but they'll need also to be more forgiving of plodding narratives and shoddy editing.

2 pretty Preity pictures out of 5

Veer-Zaara (2004)

From its poetic beginnings to its powerful ending the film tells of how a Hindustani prisoner came to be in a Pakistani jail and why he remains there for a very long time. To an onlooker his spirit may appear to have retreated, but deep down his heart is steadfast, strengthened by memories of a love that brings an unseen colour to the gray surroundings.
Each of the three main characters (the prisoner, the woman he loves, and the lawyer) carries a duty that's bigger than any single person can comfortably shoulder. The balance by which each one is measured against the other is well-maintained, enabling a situation whereby a victory for one can potentially be a victory for all, including the viewer.

4½ borders of the heart out of 5

Bollywood Temptation 2004 Live Concert (2006)

Half a dozen of Bollywood's biggest stars act out dance routines on a stage in Westfalenhalle Dortmund (Germany) while miming to other people’s songs. Yes, that’s similar to what happens in films, but for some reason I don't feel cheated there. Do I call it a concert or is it musical theatre?
I would comment further on the legitimacy of Temptation 2004 if the actual film wasn't so unbearable. The audience are so damn loud; their screeching is painful to the ear. It’s like Beatlemania. The only let-up is during the backstage sections.
In short, it's a potentially enjoyable façade ruined by a paying audience who could've stayed at home and screamed for free.

1 high-pitched housewife out of 5

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (2006)

It seems to be that the further away from India Bollywood movies are set, the less I enjoy them. KANK is set in New York. Two marriages, in which both couples married for love, not through arrangement, begin to break down. The plot follows a path that can be seen from a mile away, but it deals with some themes that I’d not seen handled that way before and it deals with them in a mature manner. A lot of the comedy was hit and miss, though, but that wasn't why I was there, so it was forgiveable. I was there because of the cast, all of whom got their moment to shine.

3 uninvited circumstances out of 5

Kal Ho Naa Ho (2003)

There’s a hugely enjoyable and impassioned story in Kal Ho Naa Ho, about three people who affect each other's lives in meaningful ways, but it takes approx 80 minutes to be effective and that’s just too damn long.
Prior to that it’s a face-palming bad rom-com with paint by numbers acting and possibly the worst song and dance numbers I've ever sat through. I’m deducting points for all of that.
If you do stick around until after the intermission, the change is staggering. SRK and PZ decide it’s time to actually do some acting, while the director takes off the blindfold and delivers some truly unforgettable scenes.

3 beats skipped out of 5

Dil Se.. (1998)

Dil Se.. is a love story about two people on different paths who have a chance meeting at a train station, in the rain for extra dramatic effect. It's woven around a political situation that promises no happy ending, and yet happiness is just a song and dance away...
I've heard people say that Bollywood is unrealistic, that the all-singing, all-dancing protagonists are unnecessary, but I don't care. It is what it is and I like it. One of the happy songs got stuck in my head.  I can't shake it. I don't think I want to. No one does love stories quite like India. They're a roller-coaster ride of emotions.

4 safety measures ignored out of 5