Bodyguard (2011)

Salman Khan stars as Lovely Singh, the titular bodyguard hired to protect the daughter (Kareena Kapoor) of a man to whom he owes an enormous debt.
It'll probably surprise no one to learn that romance rears its head, and that it isn't as simple as it should be. Alas, comedy plays a large part, ranging from tongue-in-cheek stupidity to woefully mocking folks that don't fit the 'beautiful people' template Bollywood favours. The farcical bullshit does eventually lessen to a more tolerable level, but the absurd action doesn't.
Barring the ridiculous The Matrix (1999) rip-off scene, what saves the film from itself is primarily the closing half hour, wherein it turns attentively to the kind of bittersweet matters that rouse the human heart.

2½ private numbers out of 5

Dil Ne Jise Apna Kaha (2004)

A Bollywood remake of Return to Me (2000), an English language film starring David Duchovny and Minnie Driver that I've no intention of ever watching.
In the Hindi version Rishabh and Parineeta (Khan and Zinta) are in love, the contrived, too perfect kind that makes an onlooker sick with revulsion.
It's a callous thing to say but I was glad when the inevitable tragedy screwed them; the reason being that what followed at least had the potential to be less mediocre. Alas, the potential was equally watered down. The basic idea remained entirely basic, challenging nothing but an endurance for blandness.
A viewer who's less critical and more sentimental than I am may be able to derive something they consider worthwhile from the film, but they'll need also to be more forgiving of plodding narratives and shoddy editing.

2 pretty Preity pictures out of 5

Kyon Ki... (2005)

It’s One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975) with an Indian twist, but instead of mad Jack we get Salman Khan who plays a man with an intense hatred of flies and a past that’s sent him a little bit insane.  Kareena Kapoor hovers around the ward until needed; she's a doctor who cares too much in a Sanatorium filled with a typical bunch of clichéd crazies.
I laughed pretty hard at some of the slapstick moments despite not being a fan of that kind of thing ordinarily, but the part of the story that should’ve ripped my heart out without any anaesthetic was underpowered.

2 shock treatments out of 5