Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu (2012)

Twenty-five-year-old Rahul Kapoor (Imran Khan) hasn't lived up to the differing expectations that his overbearing parents have for him. He's introverted, wears a tank-top and likes to keep things tidy. Riana Braganza (Kareena Kapoor), on the other hand, lives for the moment - preferably if the moment involves a party. They couldn't be more different, which makes them the kind of ingredients that get thrown together in movie rom-coms.
Set in Vegas and India, it begins on Xmas, progressing through approx two weeks, but it encompasses Rahul's entire life thus far, because before you can come out of your shell you first have to place yourself inside of one. Like its leading man starts out, the film is a clear-cut case of lacking a vital spark.

2½ toppings out of 5

Talaash: The Answer Lies Within (2012)

Not a sequel to the similarly titled Talaash: The Hunt Begins... (2003), The Answer Lies Within is a search for a different truth. Namely, why popular film star Armaan Kapoor (Vivan Bhatena) was seen speeding in a car through a shady part of town, before veering off the road and into the ocean depths.
Inspector Surjan Singh Shekhawat (Aamir Khan), a man with a crippling tragedy in his past, leads the case. The tone of the film reflects Surjan's feelings mostly, with moody lighting and music to match. The investigation becomes two-tiered, professional and personal, affecting the inspector's life and that of his wife Roshni (Rani Mukerji), who deals with the past in her own way.
One crappy train station scene aside, I feel that Dir. Reema Kagti respected both the psychological and unnatural threads of the story equally.

4 white petals out of 5

We Are Family (2010)

Aman (Arjun Rampal) has three children with Maya (Kajol), but the couple are divorced. He lives now with Shreya (Kareena Kapoor) and has the fool notion that he'd like his new partner to meet his children in his old partner's house during his youngest child's birthday party. Some guys just aren't too bright.
I'm in no way intending to trivialise the subject matter dealt with in the film, but the resultant story is pretty terrible, the sentimentality forcibly mawkish, and the situations feel much too engineered. If it was a painting it'd be palate knife painted, thick and amateurish. If it was a book it'd be from a first-time novelist. It hits its mark at the end, though, but that's true of many Bollywood films. I'll give it an additional half point, anyhow, because endings are hard.

2½ spaghetti fights out of 5

Agent Vinod (2012)

Vinod is a continent-hopping suave agent who does the same kind of things that you've probably seen dozens of other movie secret agents do.
Given that the poster art montage suggests an Indian cousin of James Bond in a Fast + Furious crossover directed by Michael Bay, it's fair to say that I was less than optimistic about seeing the film. Mercifully, it isn't as bad as all that, but nor is it anything worth singing many praises about, because when I watch a Bollywood movie I want something that only India can give. What I don't want is the same kind of boring polish that Hollywood action movies favour.
Much of AV is the latter. It's only when it tries to be slick and fails — making the ridiculous OTT action scenes seem as comical as they are fantastical — that it manages to produce any kind of unique appeal.

2½ life-changing poems out of 5

Heroine (2012)

A glimpse into the darker side of Bollywood fame, exploring the pressures and the backstabbing that its stars have to contend with. Mahi (Kareena) is one such star, sitting pretty on a wave of popularity that can't sustain itself. When stormy waters hit, she takes drastic measures to remain relevant.
There's some interesting commentary on the country's big budget output vs its lower budget stuff, and a clever parallel with Kareena's own career choices, but very little about the production gels together. It looks pretty, but too often opts to tell rather than show its most important themes, and the acting of most of the secondary characters is rubbish, at best. Not for the first time in Indian cinema, the last half hour is where it really shines.

2½ controversies out of 5

Bodyguard (2011)

Salman Khan stars as Lovely Singh, the titular bodyguard hired to protect the daughter (Kareena Kapoor) of a man to whom he owes an enormous debt.
It'll probably surprise no one to learn that romance rears its head, and that it isn't as simple as it should be. Alas, comedy plays a large part, ranging from tongue-in-cheek stupidity to woefully mocking folks that don't fit the 'beautiful people' template Bollywood favours. The farcical bullshit does eventually lessen to a more tolerable level, but the absurd action doesn't.
Barring the ridiculous The Matrix (1999) rip-off scene, what saves the film from itself is primarily the closing half hour, wherein it turns attentively to the kind of bittersweet matters that rouse the human heart.

2½ private numbers out of 5

Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham... (2001)

KKKG is about family. It explores a mother's love, unconditional and all-encompassing, and a father's love, which is tied-up with notions of tradition and approbation. The beginning lays the groundwork, showing where some of the main characters are in their life, before jumping back ten years to explain how a situation that seemed full of promise got turned around.
In addition to the parental side of things, it's about brothers, lovers, and acceptance. It could've been amazing - the assembled cast certainly qualify as such, and the soundtrack is also pretty damn good - but too many unwise decisions with regards characterisation sour the resultant milk.
The scenes designed to pack an emotional wallop hit home for the most part, but the ending didn't work for me; it felt a little too by-the-numbers.

3 elder paths out of 5

Fida (2004)

Jai (the ever-youthful Shahid Kapoor) falls hopelessly in love with Neha (Kareena Kapoor) at first sight; if the roles were reversed the pursuit that follows would have the woman labelled as all kinds of crazy or even certifiable! But Jai's actions are selfless, done out of love, which, let's face it, is a state that's inherently selfish... go figure.
Initially I was unimpressed by Fida's methods, but once the majority of the stupidity began to make sense (yay for context) I was pleased that I'd picked it to watch, and soon afterwards the film really came alive.
I don't know if the classic John Woo setting that cropped up was loving homage or shameless rip-off, but it sure made me smile.

3 green bottles out of 5

3 Idiots (2009)

Tentative fears of having purchased a Dumb and Dumber style comedy were thankfully completely unfounded and besides one instance of 'boy band music video' I didn't cringe or consider the stop button even once. Phew!
It begins with two of the titular idiots (Sharman Joshi and Madhavan) searching for the third (Aamir Khan); it then jumps back to show their time together as roommates in a College for Engineering undergraduates.
While all the actors fit their roles well, Aamir is perfect for his - he's a free spirit, a cool breeze that invigorates a runner in the race of life on a hot day.
The script also has a few prudent and pragmatic things to say about the state of the education system as a whole, not just as it stands in India.

4 time pieces out of 5

Dosti: Friends Forever (2005)

A rich kid wanting for nothing but attention from his parents meets a lowly poor kid. A lifelong friendship develops and MUCH bromance follows.
With that established early on I thought I'd the remainder figured out. I was wrong. I love when that happens in films as long as it stays logical.
Bollywood filmmakers work hard to turn every emotive situation into a dramatic song and dance (even when there's no actual singing and dancing) and I accept that it sometimes feels overplayed. Dosti does it often, but with no intermission on my disc there was no indication of when the change would come; I was caught off-guard. The developments thereafter held the real goal. Dammit, India, my emotions can't take that kind of punishment.

3½ restorations out of 5

Kyon Ki... (2005)

It’s One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975) with an Indian twist, but instead of mad Jack we get Salman Khan who plays a man with an intense hatred of flies and a past that’s sent him a little bit insane.  Kareena Kapoor hovers around the ward until needed; she's a doctor who cares too much in a Sanatorium filled with a typical bunch of clichéd crazies.
I laughed pretty hard at some of the slapstick moments despite not being a fan of that kind of thing ordinarily, but the part of the story that should’ve ripped my heart out without any anaesthetic was underpowered.

2 shock treatments out of 5

Talaash: The Hunt Begins... (2003)

The hardship and horrific moments that open this Bollywood action movie are powerful stuff, but fifteen minutes in, after the credits appear, things change. It jumps forward a decade and devoted son becomes handsome super-cop without whom India would probably have blown itself up.
The action is unintentionally hilarious. The bad guys are the kind that couldn't shoot a barn door stood two feet away. I was roaring with laughter during the final battle. When it goes off on a tangent and attempts actual comedy it's atrocious (see the entire train section). It's a Bolly-dud.

1½ true colours out of 5

Don (2006)

A slick Indian action/thriller that isn't quite as amazing as it pretends to be. It’s a little bit European and a lot American in style. If Hollywood remade it it’d likely star Tom Cruise. That’s the kind of crap it is.
SRK has fun in a dual role as a Mafia villain and a selfless nobody. Arjun Rampal has a lesser role and does just as well with what he’s given. The ladies get a share of the action and drama, but are mostly there for support.

2½ twisty twists out of 5

Chameli (2003)

By chance, a successful businessman and a lowly prostitute spend time together in India’s Red Light District. For a long time they’re cut off from the rest of the world, making the film feel like a stage play, furnished with an actual stage for them to exist on.
It’s a very fine example of what can be done in a small space with a well-crafted script and a cinematographer who knows exactly what he’s doing.
The biggest surprise was Kareena Kapoor’s outstanding performance. The role required a very specific kind of emotional state that she captured and presented to the camera beautifully. She was magnificent.

4 turbulent storms out of 5

Ra.One (2011)

The worst Indian film I've yet sat through is an attempt to mimic Hollywood sci-fi/action cinema. It succeeded. It even outdid Hollywood in spectacular fashion. The CGI is off the scale. So is the theft. Most of the plot is made from parts of Terminator 2, TRON, Iron Man, and The Matrix. If copyright actually meant anything in India, then lawyers would pluck Ra.One clean.
It’s primarily a kid's film but there are moments wholly inappropriate for that demographic, such as pervy airport guy getting excited over a possible knob piercing. There's comedy, bad chart music, super-jumps up Battersea Power Station and… enough! Some restraint was needed.

1½ proverb folders out of 5

Aŝoka (2001)

aka: Aŝoka the Great / aka: Samrat Aŝoka

An Indian historical drama with a hefty dose of artistic licence thrown into its story. Shah Rukh Khan plays the legendary Emperor, who eventually ruled most of India, and as was often the case throughout the 90s and 00s he’s the best thing in the film. He's perfect as the dutiful son, the humble lover, the merciless leader, and the passionate traveller. It may seem like a long haul from start to finish if you're not familiar with the Bollywood formula, but by the time the credits roll parts of it'll be burned into your mind.

4 demonic swords out of 5