Chennai Express (2013)

The Chennai Express is a train, aboard which forty-year-old bachelor Rahul (Shah Rukh Khan) travels under the pretext of fulfilling the last wish of a recently departed family member. It's there that he meets Meenamma (Deepika Padukone), a woman who throws his plans, the fake one and the actual one, into chaos. The ridiculousness that surfaces therein isn't limited to the locomotive; it stays throughout most of the movie, much to my dismay.
When Dir. Rohit Shetty lets a scene play straight, things go okay, which makes me think that I'd have enjoyed the movie that could've been, but I sure didn't feel that way about the one that it is. Although the beautiful locations, both natural and man-made, were a treat for the eyes.

1½ slow runnings out of 5

Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham... (2001)

KKKG is about family. It explores a mother's love, unconditional and all-encompassing, and a father's love, which is tied-up with notions of tradition and approbation. The beginning lays the groundwork, showing where some of the main characters are in their life, before jumping back ten years to explain how a situation that seemed full of promise got turned around.
In addition to the parental side of things, it's about brothers, lovers, and acceptance. It could've been amazing - the assembled cast certainly qualify as such, and the soundtrack is also pretty damn good - but too many unwise decisions with regards characterisation sour the resultant milk.
The scenes designed to pack an emotional wallop hit home for the most part, but the ending didn't work for me; it felt a little too by-the-numbers.

3 elder paths out of 5

Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge (1995)

A wealthy young man without a care in the world, and a less rich but still well-off young woman with an already written future are opposites on the surface (he's a joker and she's serious), but being both NRIs with a British upbringing means they have common ground. When thrown together in a foreign land their odd relationship produces Bollywood gold.
From a modern perspective it might seem overly predictable, but that's because it's been copied so often that it no longer seems as fresh as it would have done 20+ years ago. Still, the SRK and Kajol pairing has lost none of its appeal, and when it matters most, post-intermission, DDLJ knocks it clean out of the ball park with an intensity that's almost palpable.

3½ balcony hops out of 5

Darr: A Violent Love Story (1993)

A Yash Chopra film in which Shah Rukh Khan plays a man named Rahul who is crazy in love with the beautiful Kiran (Juhi Chawla), but it's the kind of crazy that gets a guy arrested. When Kiran's actual partner, naval officer Sunil (Sunny Deol), gets involved, Rahul's affections turn ever more sinister.
The characterisation of the lovestruck stalker is interesting, extending even to the peculiar placement of items in his bedroom, but when it comes to developing the other characters the film is occasionally choppy and uneven. Still, there are no duff actors amongst the cast, so even the superfluous scenes have some merit. Regardless of what I think, it's well-loved by many people and is considered a classic in Chopra's filmography.

3½ projections out of 5

Koyla (1997)

SRK plays a mute slave that doubles as a kind of loyal pet to a powerful, jealous and oft-times cruel King, not unlike the kind of antagonist ruler you find in fairy-tales. There are a few other fantastical elements that bring that same storytelling device to mind, but a number of other genres taking turns fighting it for dominance means it never takes a complete hold. Watching Koyla is like watching half a dozen different films all at once.
When it turns into an action movie there's some very nifty helicopter work, and a ton of First Blood (1982) moments that were ludicrous but just what I needed to take my mind off real life. It's a prime example of the magical coin that has 'ridiculous' on one side and 'amazing' on the other and when flipped lands on its edge every time. The coin buys escapism.

3½ burning coals out of 5

Baazigar (1993)

A loving son takes vengeful action against someone he holds responsible for a tragic turn in fortunes that left his family shattered. He doesn't take a direct route, instead choosing more creative methods that reveal themselves slowly.
It's unofficially based on Ira Levin's A Kiss Before Dying (1953). There's a Shakespeare influence, too, and even some violent giallo-esque kills. It's a strange mix that doesn't always work, but when it does it's spectacular.
It would make a tremendously powerful two hour film. I realise that to achieve that would mean losing a significant amount of footage, but it'd be just about doable. I'd begin by chopping most of the 'comedic' head servant's scenes.

3½ gamely gambles out of 5

Veer-Zaara (2004)

From its poetic beginnings to its powerful ending the film tells of how a Hindustani prisoner came to be in a Pakistani jail and why he remains there for a very long time. To an onlooker his spirit may appear to have retreated, but deep down his heart is steadfast, strengthened by memories of a love that brings an unseen colour to the gray surroundings.
Each of the three main characters (the prisoner, the woman he loves, and the lawyer) carries a duty that's bigger than any single person can comfortably shoulder. The balance by which each one is measured against the other is well-maintained, enabling a situation whereby a victory for one can potentially be a victory for all, including the viewer.

4½ borders of the heart out of 5

Chak De! India (2007)

A once loved but now disgraced hockey player (SRK) makes a low profile comeback by coaching The National Women's Hockey Team, a collective considered little more than a formality and a joke by the mostly male board.
Sports movies are by their very nature predicable, we know the person(s) deemed least likely to win at the beginning will overcome personal blocks and take the lead by the end, but do they have to be so damn formulaic elsewhere? I hoped that India could do something different with the overused template. Chak De! didn't. On the plus side, at least it wasn't about cricket.

2½ scrubs out of 5

Swades (2004)

A quote from Gandhi sets the tone for the kind of life-journey that not everyone is brave enough to take, and sadly the people that do manage it don’t always pause long enough to properly look around.
SRK is a NASA scientist with an important job, a large apartment and a salary to match. His life is lacking just one thing and whilst striving to acquire it he encounters a way of life that he'd all but forgotten existed.
It showcases the natural beauty of India and the potential that exists inside of all of us, nestled in the human heart. Even though it’s predictable in all the usual places, films like Swades can change the people who watch them.
Music is by A. R. Rahman and is of his usual standard of excellence.

4½ fiery sparks out of 5

Main Hoon Na (2004)

Amid a political situation between Pakistan and India, Major Ram Sharma (Shah Rukh Khan) goes back to college for a short academic term, but not before a hilariously entertaining scene that has Dir. Farah Khan become the Bollywood John Woo for a time. In fact, she steals from all over the spectrum—sometimes even shot for shot—but it’s so obvious that it’s surely homage, because there’s no doubt that elsewhere she knows exactly what she’s doing. She crams in a lot of content alongside the action, including comedy (that chase scene!), tragedy, romance and a teacher who looks to be permanently in a Pantene advert, but never once forgets to remind us that the small things in life are some of the most important of all.

3½ sleeveless, knitted pullovers out of 5

Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani (2000)

Ajay Bakshi is an unscrupulous television news reporter that'll go to any heights (literally) for the most sensational news coverage because he loves to be a star; he loves himself as much as Indian cinema loves product placement. A rival network hires a successful female, Ria, to outdo the attention-whore at his own game, but Ajay becomes smitten.
It’s clear where things are going, but that’s only half the story. When the tone changes it’s striking by comparison. The political impartiality of the networks that we rely on, that are the cornerstone of many people’s political views, is dragged into the light and held up for all to see.

3 official lies out of 5

Bollywood Temptation 2004 Live Concert (2006)

Half a dozen of Bollywood's biggest stars act out dance routines on a stage in Westfalenhalle Dortmund (Germany) while miming to other people’s songs. Yes, that’s similar to what happens in films, but for some reason I don't feel cheated there. Do I call it a concert or is it musical theatre?
I would comment further on the legitimacy of Temptation 2004 if the actual film wasn't so unbearable. The audience are so damn loud; their screeching is painful to the ear. It’s like Beatlemania. The only let-up is during the backstage sections.
In short, it's a potentially enjoyable façade ruined by a paying audience who could've stayed at home and screamed for free.

1 high-pitched housewife out of 5

Don 2 (2011)

Five years have passed since Don successfully duped the police in the previous film, He concocts an elaborate plan to prove that he’s still the undisputed King of the underworld. However, he needs help to achieve it, so he gathers the players together by preying on their weaknesses.
The cinematography is of a high standard and SRK gets a temporary new hairstyle that makes him look meaner, but beneath the sheen it's another lazy Hollywood action movie clone, except this time it’s more of a straightforward heist movie. Well, it's not exactly straightforward, but it's less ridiculous.

3 bad habits out of 5

Don (2006)

A slick Indian action/thriller that isn't quite as amazing as it pretends to be. It’s a little bit European and a lot American in style. If Hollywood remade it it’d likely star Tom Cruise. That’s the kind of crap it is.
SRK has fun in a dual role as a Mafia villain and a selfless nobody. Arjun Rampal has a lesser role and does just as well with what he’s given. The ladies get a share of the action and drama, but are mostly there for support.

2½ twisty twists out of 5

Bhoothnath (2008)

An adaptation of Oscar Wilde's story, The Canterville Ghost, transposed to a ‘bungalow’ in Goa. It’ll keep the kids happy with its light-hearted humour and simplistic ideals that offer nothing Hollywood couldn't do just as badly.
Throwing in some dancers in fishnets seemed like a desperate attempt to keep the dads happy, but the film turns things around in the last third. The story shifts from the kid’s concerns to the adults', the emotional content hits the roof, and Amitabh Bachchan finally gets something real to do.

2½ leaves leave out of 5

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (2006)

It seems to be that the further away from India Bollywood movies are set, the less I enjoy them. KANK is set in New York. Two marriages, in which both couples married for love, not through arrangement, begin to break down. The plot follows a path that can be seen from a mile away, but it deals with some themes that I’d not seen handled that way before and it deals with them in a mature manner. A lot of the comedy was hit and miss, though, but that wasn't why I was there, so it was forgiveable. I was there because of the cast, all of whom got their moment to shine.

3 uninvited circumstances out of 5

Kal Ho Naa Ho (2003)

There’s a hugely enjoyable and impassioned story in Kal Ho Naa Ho, about three people who affect each other's lives in meaningful ways, but it takes approx 80 minutes to be effective and that’s just too damn long.
Prior to that it’s a face-palming bad rom-com with paint by numbers acting and possibly the worst song and dance numbers I've ever sat through. I’m deducting points for all of that.
If you do stick around until after the intermission, the change is staggering. SRK and PZ decide it’s time to actually do some acting, while the director takes off the blindfold and delivers some truly unforgettable scenes.

3 beats skipped out of 5

Ra.One (2011)

The worst Indian film I've yet sat through is an attempt to mimic Hollywood sci-fi/action cinema. It succeeded. It even outdid Hollywood in spectacular fashion. The CGI is off the scale. So is the theft. Most of the plot is made from parts of Terminator 2, TRON, Iron Man, and The Matrix. If copyright actually meant anything in India, then lawyers would pluck Ra.One clean.
It’s primarily a kid's film but there are moments wholly inappropriate for that demographic, such as pervy airport guy getting excited over a possible knob piercing. There's comedy, bad chart music, super-jumps up Battersea Power Station and… enough! Some restraint was needed.

1½ proverb folders out of 5

Mohabbatein (2000)

Three male students, three women (one for each guy), one hard-nosed school principal determined to keep his kind of order no matter what and Shah Rukh Khan being awesome. Wow! It's a hell of a good film that many people will overlook because its running time is more than twice that of a typical English language movie. It promises ‘Mohabbatein’ and that’s exactly what it delivers.
If I'd been viewing it in a theatre I’d have given it a standing ovation. But I was at home, so I grabbed a tissue instead and dried my appreciative eyes.

5 personification storms out of 5

Paheli (2005)

Paheli uses the love-triangle scenario that Indian cinema is fond of, but gives it a supernatural spin. It’s a romantic folk tale that’s playful and colourful on the surface, but has a deeper subtext of uxorial duty versus womanly passions, and explores the conflict of interests that arise as a result. It keeps itself safe by not attempting to offer a hackneyed solution to a problem that will be different for everyone that experiences it. It's a successful show and tell of the typically hidden and secretive.

3 singing birds out of 5