Locked (2025)

A miscreant (Bill Skarsgård, apparently channeling Pete Davidson) breaks into the wrong parked vehicle and finds himself trapped inside a spacious luxury SUV where he is tortured remotely by a weary man (Anthony Hopkins, literally phoning it in) who's had enough of petty crime. Which one are we supposed to be rooting for here? (Don't worry; the film makes it abundantly clear.)

I love "bottle" movies where the main character is stuck in a single location (Phone Booth, Buried, ATM, Devil, just to name a few), so it worked for me on a certain level, but the formula is starting to feel a bit rote and you pretty much know exactly where it's going to go. It's fun for a few thrills and then it's over.

This is only one of three remakes of the 2019 Argentinian film 4x4.

2½ bottles of piss out of 5

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

I think I've always liked this film more than other people. That's because Jim Carrey is a walking cartoon, so he embodies the animated character so effortlessly. Ron Howard's adaptation of the misanthropic children's classic is a bit long in the tooth, but it's cemented itself in the minds of a lot of kids due to being aired annually on TV. It's not perfect by any means (they add a lot of backstory which I find a touch unnecessary), but it's a perfect accompaniment to the original, despite the fact that some of the Whovian make-up effects might trigger nightmares in smaller kids. But then again, isn't that what Christmas is all about?

Those prosthetic effects (by Rick Baker) are excellent, although Carrey had such a hard time during the production that they hired a CIA agent to give him torture endurance training. That's what I call suffering for your art.

When you think about it, this is the original Wicked.

3½ thirty-nine-and-a-half foot poles out of 5

Hearts in Atlantis (2001)

Based upon parts of Stephen King's 1999 unified collection of the same name, it delves into the life of Bobby Garfield (Anton Yelchin). An adult at the beginning, the timeline drifts back to Bobby's eleventh birthday and the days that followed, specifically to events surrounding the appearance of an aged man named Ted Brautigan (Anthony Hopkins) who had a special ability. The old man has a positive affect on the youth, but with every forward step into maturity comes the ache of knowing that once taken it's impossible to go back.
The film's best scenes occur one after another, which makes an impression at the time but result in the remainder of it seeming to move even slower by comparison; the nods to Stand by Me (1986) are similarly double-edged.

2½ inside straights out of 5

The Mask of Zorro (1998)

The larger than life hero of the people fights a forgettable villain (with obligatory moustache) and woos a beautiful woman. Justice prevails.
The only genuinely unpredictable thing about the story is that no one hired Cheech to be a part of it. As contradictory as it is, if they had then I’d have at least been entertained by something beyond the fun swashbuckling characteristic that was a welcome throwback to a bygone era.

2 spirited dances out of 5

The Rite (2011)

At first glance this seems to be a more refined look at the Exorcism sub-genre as it casts the thespian heavy-hitter Anthony Hopkins as Father Trevant, a veteran exorcist who takes a skeptical young student (Colin O'Donoghue) under his wing, but with a PG-13 rating the film never delves deep enough to produce any thrills. Instead of a disturbing, in-your-face exorcism, the slow character driven opening scenes are a nice change of pace. O'Donoghue does a fine job in his most prominent role to date as an intelligent and capable young man forced into his roles in the story. The latter half isn't particularly fresh and the ending is handled with Saturday morning cartoon kid-gloves.

2½ your father sucks clocks in Hell out of 5

Dracula (1992)

aka Bram Stoker's Dracula

Coppola’s Dracula is visually interesting. He mutates the German expressionists love of shadow into something pure Hollywood but still effectively dramatic. On top of that he heaps dozens of colourful and theatrical elements, but it's more than the film can comfortably support.
The Dracula character is a tragic figure responsible for his own curse, thus ensuring that his grief lasts for centuries. Heartache can cause us to do odd things, but he really didn't think that through.
The acting by most of the cast is very dodgy. Reeves, Ryder and Frost are just plain awful. Oldman is fantastic as an old man, but his younger self has a hopeless romantic shtick that quickly bores. Man-bat form FTW!

2½ brain fevers out of 5

Audrey Rose (1977)

Suppose a beardy stalker told you that your daughter was his daughter reincarnated. What would you do? That’s the premise of the film, adapted for the screen by the author of the original novel, Frank De Felitta.
The practical father (John Beck) and emotional mother (Marsha Mason) aren't very original types, but they do well; even more so when they’re required to act without dialogue. One aspect of Audrey Rose’s character was totally believable but the other part of it less so. It was a challenging role to ask of a young girl (Susan Swift) in her début feature.
I was hoping for something a little more sinister than what was given, but at least it avoided the plunge into the pit of complete melodrama that it skims around the edge of more than once.

3 journeys homeward out of 5

NOAH [2014]

Director Darren Aronofsky takes some artistic liberties to turn the biblical tale of Noah's Ark into a big-screen experience.
Noah will leave bible-thumpers offended with the changes and Aronofsky fans offended he'd tackle such material for Hollywood, making for a very small audience actually interested in the end results.  To be honest, it's not all bad, in fact there's quite a bit here that's actually very creative and visually unique, which makes sense seeing as Aronofsky had been working on the film since 2000.  Unfortunately there's too many flaws to make it the epic it aims to be, mostly in the weakness of characterization which is key when it comes to telling a tale this big.  The acting is superb, particularly Emma Watson and Jennifer Connelly but when there's not enough to work with it leaves the viewer with little to care about.  

3 fallen angels out of 5

Legends of the Fall (1994)

LotF focuses mostly on three brothers who are close but ultimately on different paths. In a broader sense, it's also the story of an immigrant family through the ages who settle in Montana in the early 1900s.
Many of the heartbreaking moments are clearly signposted in the first half, but there’s enough weight in the second half to make up for it.
Less successful in my eyes (or ears) was the clichéd sweeping orchestral score that intrudes all too often when it would've been better to let the naked emotion do the work on its own.

3½ inner voices out of 5

Beowulf (2007)

The Beowulf poem was penned in English but not any kind of English you’d recognise. This CGI version is in modern day language, except for the occasional respectful nod to the archaic. Leaving aside differences elsewhere, as a film it does a lot of things well: Grendel is brutally violent but also owns our sympathies; Beowulf himself is flawed and his role open to interpretation; and the fights are dramatic as hell, using the freedom of movement that a virtual environment allows.
The animation succeeds in being realistically lifelike (especially Jolie's face), so if that kind of thing pleases you then you should have no complaints.

3½ belching Thanes out of 5

RED DRAGON [2002]

Director Brett Ratner takes over for the third film and first prequel in the Hannibal Lecter series, Red Dragon, which ultimately serves as Sir Anthony Hopkins final round as everyone's favorite man-eating head doctor.
Unlike Ridley Scott's dismal take on the character, Ratner opts for a more serious tone and results in something nearly as grisly as the original film making for a satisfying conclusion to the Hopkins films.  It doesn't really cover any new territory but it's so well-acted and suffocates the viewer in such an effective unsettling atmosphere it can be forgiven.

3½ smashed mirrors out of 5

HANNIBAL [2001]

Ten years after The Silence Of The Lambs, director Ridley Scott steps in for the second instalment in author Thomas Harris' Hannibal Lecter series, the lazily titled Hannibal.
Anthony Hopkins returns in the iconic role only now playing it for cheap one-liners making it seem more like a shallow and schlocky horror film rather than the inspired and thoughtful thriller of before.  Surprisingly, Julianne Moore does a fantastic job at filling Jodie Foster's shoes, who wisely declined to take part in this film.
While it has all sorts of great talents working for it, it seems more like a handful of world-class chefs making you a bowl of cereal for dinner and it's mostly Thomas Harris' shoddy source material to blame.  Instead of going for psychological character studies and thrills, it simply aims to go from Point A to B while sloppily grossing you out along the way.

2 little man-eating piggies out of 5

RED 2 [2013]

Galaxy Quest director Dean Parisot slips into the director's chair for the sequel to the 2010 action/comedy Red.
Once again Bruce Willy does what he does best and that's not take his action acting too seriously making for a pretty fun ride.  Mary Louise-Parker scene steals like no tomorrow with her adorably funny performance, while Helen Mirren & Byung Hun Lee bring an awesome Fast & Furious attitude with some wicked guns and vehicular carnage.  It's still wildly violent to the point of ridiculousness but manages to never keep a straight-face while the bullets fly and bones snap 'n crack.  As much fun as the film is, it's a bit too generic and feels like we've seen this story over and over and over again, leading me to believe if not for the fantastic cast it'd be pretty dull.

3 tingles for a Pringle out of 5

THOR: THE DARK WORLD [2013]

After Kenneth Brannagh shat the bed with the first film, I figured Game Of Thrones director Alan Taylor could only do better on Thor: The Dark World.
I was pleased to find my assumptions were slightly correct.  The first act is a dull bucket of boredom, however it's the second act where the story and conflict picks up into some enticing adventure and then it falls into an overdone grand finale of CGI effects and noise.  The only thing the first film had going for it, besides Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston was it's duck out of water humour which is sadly gone here.  It seems to take itself a bit too seriously, apart from a hilarious scene stealing Kat Dennings who fortunately gets a bit more screentime on this ride.
It's an improvement from the first film but doesn't stand up against it's Marvel counterparts.

2½ dreamy Cappy Americas out of 5

THE ELEPHANT MAN [1980]

David Lynch adapts Sir Frederick Treves' writings about his personal experiences with Joseph Merrick (curiously renamed John Merrick) in the beautiful black & white bio-pic The Elephant Man.

It's a deeply absorbing story where a smile or the smallest of compliments mean the world to someone who lives in such an ugly world.  Lynch wisely hides Merrick's face for a large portion of the film and when we finally do see it, he's developed the story enough so it hardly even startles the viewer.  It occasionally dips into the surreal soundscapes and bizarre "dream sequences" Lynch is well known for but it never takes away from the dramatic impact of the film.  A personal all-time favorite of mine.

5 human beings and not animals out of 5

HITCHCOCK [2012]

Screenwriter Sacha Gervasi sits in the director's chair for the lightfare "biopic" Hitchcock.  Telling the story of the making of Alfred Hitchcock's slasher classic Psycho, the film never seems to be concerned with the facts.  It merely touches on Hitchcock's tyrant like behaviour towards his actresses to get the best possible performance and opts for more of genuine portrayal of his mind and manners.  It's a bit frustrating to see how it's all portrayed but once you get past that, it's quite an enjoyable little film that's more a nod to the fat man's filmmaking rather than his actual life.

3 famous silhouettes out of 5

SLIPSTREAM [2007]

Sir Anthony Hopkins writes, directs and stars in this surreal piece of cinema suitably titled Slipstream.
Feeling like a David Lynch narrative edited by the drug-inspired side of Oliver Stone, Hopkins never allows the film to plant it's feet in reality long enough for viewer to grasp onto anything meaningful. It's an interesting experience, from an artistic point of view but the effect wears off pretty quickly and becomes borderline irritating.

2½ doll heads out of 5

THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS [1991]

It's not often a film as disgusting as Jonathan Demme's Silence Of The Lambs receives such high acclaim and recognition for it's brilliance. It deserves every word of it and more.
Based upon Thomas Harris' chilling novel, Silence takes the viewer on a gloomy, diligently crafted exploration of the roads we'd rather not travel.
As much as Sir Anthony Hopkins is recognized as being the scene stealer of the film, I personally feel it's Jodie Foster who holds it all together with her vulnerable, subtly strong and innocent performance. Ted Levine also deserves recognition for his overwhelmingly vile portrayal of the murderer.
With it's gloomy yet graceful photography, detailed set designs, perfect casting (right down to the 2 line bit parts), believable dialogue and expert direction, Silence Of The Lambs is a classic horror masterpiece that still holds up to this day and more than likely many years to come.

5 Quid Pro Quos of out 5

THOR [2011]

Kenneth Branagh's Thor is is a colossal disappointment.
The conflict it about as exciting as wiping bird shit off my windows. To top it off, it seems several of the actors, apart from Chris Hemsworth's title character, are severely miscast and wander around like they have no idea who they're playing.
Some spectacular set pieces by Tim Burton regular Bo Welch, a few great FX shots and some funny moments don't save Thor from belonging in the shitpile with the rest of Marvel's crap films before this one.

1 bad Stan Lee cameo out of 5

The Wolfman (2010)

Lycanthropy sucks; itchy, scratchy hair in all the wrong places; monobrow; dry skin; wet dog smell. and a monthly cycle of pain (sorry, ladies). Know what sucks more? This reboot. The Wolfman was always the least interesting of the Universal monsters. At least it’s consistent.

Set dressings were nice.

0 nail clippings out of 5