Ready or Not 2: Here I Come (2026)

Picking up immediately after the events of the first film (a bold move after 7 years, but Samara Weaving remains ageless), a new syndicate is after Grace, looking to settle the score with a fresh game of H&S. Poor timing for Grace to meet up with her estranged kid sister/emergency contact Faith. It's more of the same mindless blood and guts, but it's fun if you're in a playful mood.

3 washing machines out of 5

Clown in a Cornfield (2025)

Well, what was I expecting with a title like that?

In 1991, a bunch of kids are massacred by Frendo, a clown mascot for a corn syrup factory in a small rural town in Missouri. Fast forward to present day, and the town hasn't changed at all, but Frendo is back for second helpings.

If it's trying to evoke something like Pennywise or Art the Clown, then it failed on both fronts. This feels like nothing more than bottom of the DVD barrel fodder, yet somehow it seems to have touched upon somewhat of a cultural phenomenon, which just pisses me off even more since it doesn't live up to lofty expectations. Having no standards for quality is why we keep being fed this garbage in the first place. It's a lame and tepid horror-comedy slasher whose entire purpose seems to be trying to drive a further wedge between the generational divide...so mission accomplished, I guess?

This movie was made by the director of the wonderful Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, yet contains none of the wiles or charm that made that film worthwhile.

1½ rotary phones out of 5

The Naked Gun (2025)

Son of a gun. 31 years later, this series gets resuscitated by Seth MacFarlane and The Lonely Island's Akiva Schaffer, with Liam Neeson playing the part of Frank Drebin Jr. (no doubt cast because he was listed next alphabetically). Similar to Leslie Nielsen's turn in Airplane!, Liam Neeson gets to show off his comedy chops, and if there's one person who could nail the Priscilla Presley role, it's Pamela Anderson. It's a loving homage in the best possible sense, and while it doesn't come close to the original, the scattershot approach hits its target quite a few times. It works best with a receptive crowd, and it's dense enough that you can rewatch it and pick up on different gags. It's undeniably dumb, but kind of refreshing to see this lost style of comedy back in 2025.

3 unlikely threesomes out of 5

Dark Was the Night (2014)

Kevin Durand plays a sheriff in a sleepy rural town, tormented by mistakes made in the past. When an unknown creature begins picking off the local animal life, he has to keep the town's trust by subduing the threat. I've seen this song and dance before, but that doesn't mean it's a poor film. Sure it's derivative, but the characters are complex enough and the acting is above-average for the genre. Durand, who mumbles many of his lines, naturally gives off an air of mystery, but the character's background is what really draws your attention. The film does take itself too seriously; to the point of being bleak. The monster hunt is a slow one as you only catch glimpses of it at first. The plan for the creature to go full-monty in all its less than flattering CG glory was a poor choice in the end. Everything up to that point equaled a solid film. 

2½ peckers out of 5

THE CAPTIVE [2014]

To get straight to the point, Atom Egoyan's "thriller" The Captive is like someone took a made for afternoon TV movie, chopped it into bits and put it back together again in whatever order made the least sense.
It's the story about the case of missing girl that spans over a period of 8 years.  The problem is the story sloppily jumps back and through the years, (4 different periods, I think) without any indication when or why which leads it to make next to no sense.  There's absolutely no mystery or tension, seeing as we know who the kidnapper is and that the missing girl is safe within the first 2 minutes of the film.  It's like Egoyan decided to take you for a tedious ride through the country and insulted you like a dullard the whole time before dropping you off in the last place you want to be.

½ magic flute out of 5

NOAH [2014]

Director Darren Aronofsky takes some artistic liberties to turn the biblical tale of Noah's Ark into a big-screen experience.
Noah will leave bible-thumpers offended with the changes and Aronofsky fans offended he'd tackle such material for Hollywood, making for a very small audience actually interested in the end results.  To be honest, it's not all bad, in fact there's quite a bit here that's actually very creative and visually unique, which makes sense seeing as Aronofsky had been working on the film since 2000.  Unfortunately there's too many flaws to make it the epic it aims to be, mostly in the weakness of characterization which is key when it comes to telling a tale this big.  The acting is superb, particularly Emma Watson and Jennifer Connelly but when there's not enough to work with it leaves the viewer with little to care about.  

3 fallen angels out of 5

FRUITVALE STATION [2013]

The power of Ryan Coogler's Fruitvale Station is the type that slowly creeps up on you and leaves you unprepared for the blow it delivers in it's final moments.
Based on the true story of Oscar Grant who was murdered by a police officer in a Bay Area transit station, the film is smart not to play the race card but the signs are all there.  It delicately restrains itself from becoming overly dramatic as the events unfold but it's the realism that punches you in the gut even though we all know how it's all going to end.  Michael B. Jordan, who portrays Grant, delivers one of the best performances of the year, with some noteworthy jobs done by Octavia Spencer and Melonie Diaz.

4 fake white people birthday cards out of 5

COSMOPOLIS [2012]

Like a modern day take on James Joyce's Ulysses, David Cronenberg's adaptation of Don DeLillo's novel Cosmopolis follows a day in the life of a billionaire as his whole world comes crashing down.
It's a cold and calculated dissection of the upper class lifestyle, their take on life and how one can be so knowledgeable of everything around them yet be so emotionally sealed off.  Robert Pattinson doesn't miss a beat with Cronenberg's cynical, soulless narrative rhythm that will probably baffle and confuse the average viewer but should interest someone looking for an intriguing and nourishing conversation piece.

3½ rats out of 5

3:10 TO YUMA [2007]

James Mangold's adaptation of Elmore Leonard's Western novel 3:10 To Yuma is a tightly paced ride that has it's up and downs.
This film genre is a rarity in this day and age, so I welcome it with open arms and doesn't disappoint someone starving for a good ol' horseback ridin' shoot 'em up.  Although, as a lover of all film, it falls very short and seems more like a missed opportunity.  Russell Crowe's Big Bad is an interesting character study but never quite explores it's greater potential, while Christian Bale's moody good guy is dull, dull and more dull.  Possibly the best parts of the film are the  wonderful supporting cast, including Peter Fonda, Ben Foster, Alan Tudyk & Kevin Durand and composer Marco Beltrami's wonderfully fleshed out score.

3 flaming stagecoaches out of 5

SMOKIN' ACES [2006]

Writer/director Joe Carnahan attempts to go for a hip, violent and witty crime film in Smokin' Aces but just narrowly misses the mark.

It's a bit of a mess, lacks any sort of interesting character developments and never fully realizes it's own potential but can be pretty damned entertaining at times.  It's got a huge cast which keeps you guessing who's going to bite the bullet next and makes for a pretty intense finale but it just simply tries to hard to be "cool and shocking". 

2½ white trash karate kid boners out of 5