Clown in a Cornfield (2025)

Well, what was I expecting with a title like that?

In 1991, a bunch of kids are massacred by Frendo, a clown mascot for a corn syrup factory in a small rural town in Missouri. Fast forward to present day, and the town hasn't changed at all, but Frendo is back for second helpings.

If it's trying to evoke something like Pennywise or Art the Clown, then it failed on both fronts. This feels like nothing more than bottom of the DVD barrel fodder, yet somehow it seems to have touched upon somewhat of a cultural phenomenon, which just pisses me off even more since it doesn't live up to lofty expectations. Having no standards for quality is why we keep being fed this garbage in the first place. It's a lame and tepid horror-comedy slasher whose entire purpose seems to be trying to drive a further wedge between the generational divide...so mission accomplished, I guess?

This movie was made by the director of the wonderful Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, yet contains none of the wiles or charm that made that film worthwhile.

1½ rotary phones out of 5

The Three Stooges (2012)

I grew up as a dedicated Stoogehead, so the recasting was a hard sell for me, but man...this was actually a surprisingly loving effort to try and recreate the feeling of The Three Stooges for the modern era. Will Sasso in particular embodies the spirit of Curly. It's a film that is completely imperfect, but I admire it a lot for what it's trying to do, and the Farrellys were the perfect guys for the job. This kind of slapstick comedy never goes out of style.

3 eye-pokes out of 5

Happy Gilmore (1996)

Demonstrating he has range, Sandler's next headlining role had him portraying a failed hockey player with anger issues who channels his rage into his golf game in order to save his grandmother's house from foreclosure. He sparks a rivalry with the villainous Shooter McGavin (Christopher McDonald), while learning the skills of the game from the one-armed Chubbs (Carl Weathers). The humor in this movie is all over the map, but there are enough memorable moments to cement this as a classic and one of The Sandman's defining roles.

3 fores out of 5

Beverly Hills Ninja (1997)

Chris Farley's next big screen outing proved that he could capably headline his own solo feature film. Adopted into a Japanese monestary as a baby and believed to be the prophecized "Great White Ninja," Haru is raised as one of their own and trained in the ninjutsu ways, but still grows up to be fat and clumsy. He is recruited on a mission to Beverly Hills by a beautiful woman where it becomes a strange fish out of water story, in a take on films like American Ninja and Beverly Hills Cop. The laughs are big and broad, which might not be suited to everyone's sensibilities, but it's funny if you bring yourself down to its level. These movies are sweet at their core and don't deserve the amount of critical vitriol they received at the time. I just want to live in the spaces where it exists because life seemed a lot simpler back then.

3½ astral projections out of 5

Klaus (2019)

An entirely fresh take on the Santa myth, this charming animated film revolves around a postman stationed in the Far North who meets a reclusive woodsman, and their attempts to bring a little cheer to the miserable residents of the town. Even though it treads familiar ground, it somehow feels reinvigorated in its storytelling. It's a different kind of Christmas movie, focusing more on the folklore and the human element, rather than any magical superstitious stuff. Juxtapose this with the terrifying Santa character J.K. Simmons played in Red One and there is no contest. Present this to the intelligent children in your life, or gift it to yourself; it will give you the warm and fuzzies.

4 letters delivered out of 5