Crime 101 (2026)

An ensemble crime drama about a series of diamond heists committed along the 101 highway in Los Angeles, the plot involves a jewel thief, a detective, an insurance broker and a goon for hire, pinning them against each other's moral grey areas. There's a lot going on here, and little of it engaging to the viewer, despite the enormous star power behind it. It's a slow-moving thriller that only gets interesting when all the pieces fall into place, well over an hour into the film. Despite its attempt to recreate a '90s Michael Mann feel, it's a painfully average flick full of plot holes that is about as generic as the title suggests.

2 encrypted porn links out of 5

Die My Love (2025)

"May we live long and die out."

A volatile romance soon gives way to the doldrums of new motherhood and postpartum depression. Raw, honest, and often unhinged, this dark, gritty indie drama lays bare a portrait of mental illness that burns everything in its path. In terms of realism, these are some of the best performances I've seen all year.

3½ breast milk art pieces out of 5

OVER THE HEDGE [2006]

DreamWorks Animation's big-screen adaptation of the nationally syndicated comic strip Over the Hedge is a safe, pleasant surprise that makes it too easy for itself to get lost in the sea of other films of it's kind.
It's about a pack of wild animals that discover their woodland home is now a park in the middle of the suburbs, forcing them to find new means of survival.
It's a breezy, light-hearted affair that offers nothing new to the table but is enough fun for the whole family to enjoy, unless you're the type constantly seeking out deep character arcs and quick-witted dialogue in your cartoons.
It's as easy to enjoy as it is to forget.

3 crazy, rabid squirrels that wants cookies out of 5

48 Hrs. (1982)

It’s a 'buddy cop' movie with one San Francisco cop and one smart-talking convict who's given a 48 hour get out of jail pass card. The usual precinct clichés are in abundance, shouty Chief, hookers getting booked at desks and officers shuffling around in the background, but elsewhere it’s less formulaic.
I don’t like Murphy’s attention-grabbing screen persona very much, but I’m a fan of director Walter Hill’s ability to put us into the dramatic heart of a scene without overplaying it or making it seem false, so even though I was kept at a distance by the former I was pulled back into the story by the latter.
In short, it’s an entertaining 80s cop drama in an overcrowded genre arena.

3½ crummy days out of 5

RUN ALL NIGHT [2015]

I think it's time to admit that I am fully enthusiastic about flashy hard-boiled thrillers about old guys (mainly Denzel Washington or Liam Neeson) who are usually ex-marines, ex-assassins or some guy who used to kill and need to find a way to redeem themselves before they too finally bite the bullet.
With that generic description you pretty much get the idea of director Jaume Collet-Serra's latest, the laughably titled Run All Night.  It starts out like a Google Maps app on speed but about an hour in I found myself pretty involved and intrigued with the mess that it was, before it winds down into a pretty formulaic and dull climax.  It met all my expectations and just sort of hovered on that notion for the duration of the film.

3 Fairytales in New York out of 5

Cape Fear (1991)

I can almost see why Scorsese would want to remake such a classic—he wouldn't be restrained by the same kind of moral restrictions as before—but the end result isn't as good as it could've been. He goes to great lengths to show that film has moved on from when the original was made, employing a multitude of techniques that almost overwhelm the story.
If the relationships of the family unit were more believable they might have balanced it out more evenly, but there’s something missing from the performances of both Nolte and Lange. Lewis fares better, though, and like Mitchum before him De Niro as the Max Cady character is the main reason to watch. The finale is balls, but everything he does prior to it is great.
Mitchum gets a small role and there’s a cameo from Gregory Peck, both of whom starred in the original film (1962).

3½ prison skills out of 5

NOAH [2014]

Director Darren Aronofsky takes some artistic liberties to turn the biblical tale of Noah's Ark into a big-screen experience.
Noah will leave bible-thumpers offended with the changes and Aronofsky fans offended he'd tackle such material for Hollywood, making for a very small audience actually interested in the end results.  To be honest, it's not all bad, in fact there's quite a bit here that's actually very creative and visually unique, which makes sense seeing as Aronofsky had been working on the film since 2000.  Unfortunately there's too many flaws to make it the epic it aims to be, mostly in the weakness of characterization which is key when it comes to telling a tale this big.  The acting is superb, particularly Emma Watson and Jennifer Connelly but when there's not enough to work with it leaves the viewer with little to care about.  

3 fallen angels out of 5

Clean (2004)

The almost unbearable handheld in-your-face close-ups give way eventually to a character study of a woman struggling to get her life back after a crippling drug habit leaves her broken and alone.
Emily (Maggie Cheung) is the only constant in a sea of people giving other people the run-around. Her emotions do the same to her, but her motivations, which are purposefully kept semi-hidden, are bedrock for her to fall back on. Sometimes all it takes is for someone to believe in you.
It’s as happy as it sounds, but it was good to see Maggie keep her feet on the ground and get an opportunity to really act. She does it well, and in three different languages. Plus, Nick Nolte is superb.

3½ liner notes out of 5

THE THIN RED LINE [1998]

Director Terrence Malick's adaptation of James Jones' WWII novel The Thin Red Line loosely follows the savage Battle Of Mt. Austen in the Pacific Theater.
It explores the beauty of life, earth and love and completely contrasts that with insanity, destruction and unexplainable hatred.  It shifts between startling beauty and frenzied ugliness through it's stunning photography, wonderful acting, thoughtful monologues and what I'd consider some of the best work composer Hans Zimmer has ever written.  It doesn't serve the viewer a standard story like Saving Private Ryan did the same year but instead asks the audience to search their hearts for the emotional core of the narrative.

5 flickering flames out of 5

PARKER [2013]

Taylor Hackford steps a bit out of his comfort zone by directing his first "gritty" crime thriller, the Jason Statham vehicle, Parker.
The film starts off like it could be intriguing but quickly slides off that notion and gets painfully predictable and boring as it begins feeling slapped together and uninspired.  Surprisingly, Jennifer Lopez is the shining light here, as she serves as comic relief in tight skirts while The Stath is beginning to get just a little too comfy by never pushing himself to do anything but collect a paycheck these days.  In the end, the film is nothing short of boring and dull, with the exception of feeling embarrassed for The Stath as he tries to pull off a Texan accent.  Feck.

2 Fish camps out of 5

GANGSTER SQUAD [2013]

Zombieland director Ruben Fleischer brings journalist Paul Lieberman's pulp novel Gangster Squad: Covert Cops, the Mob, and the Battle for Los Angeles to the screen.
With it's impressive ensemble cast and hard-boiled Hollywoodland noir story you suspect Fleischer was attempting to replicate the success of L.A. Confidential but somehow misses the mark.  The characters are atrociously underdeveloped, the editing is terrible, the dialogue it both boring & forced and you'll predict the entire film only 5 minutes in.  As cliched as this uneven mess of a laughable film is, I can't really deny that it was entertaining as feck.  Check your brain at the door and you might find some light entertainment in it.

2½ toasty elevator rides down out of 5

Hulk (2003)

Marvel may have publicly distanced itself from Ang Lee's version of Hulk, but that doesn't mean it's a bad film. It's a very brave film.

It's an art house/blockbuster hybrid that's as schizophrenic as its titular character. Using the film frame like a comic panel, adding wild transitions and an abundance of split screen effects made audiences uneasy. Ang broke the rules and for that he got criticized harshly, but cinema needs that kind of disruption and daring every now and again.
The film crumbles under the weight of if its own weirdness long before the end, but it was a worthy effort. I may be alone in liking it better than The Incredible Hulk (2008) film that came after.

3 metaphorical doors out of 5

Zookeeper (2011)

Dr. Dolittle meets Night at the Museum. Not exactly a happy marriage. Kevin James does his manic energy routine as the zookeeper trying to win back his ex, as the zoo animals attempt to show him their ways of getting a mate. This involves a scene taking a gorilla to TGI Friday's. It sounds stupid, but I actually laughed out loud more than I expected I would. Still more enjoyable than Mr. Popper's Penguins.

(Sidenote: Makes me wonder if kids will start jumping into bear and lion exhibits, thinking the animals will talk to them and be friendly.)

2.5 "fat man fall down, ha ha" shtick moments out of 5

Breakfast of Champions (1999)

Based on the Kurt Vonnegut novel (I don't know how faithful it is), this strange, off-putting "comedy" of sorts stars Bruce Willis as a used car salesman who becomes obsessed with some writer or another...I don't know. I couldn't make heads or tails out of anything in this movie. It made about as much sense to me as Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (which I also plan to revisit soon). It simply tries too hard to be kooky for its own good, with its incomprehensible mess of a plot and collection of unhinged, neurotic characters.
At the very least, this movie introduced me to the music of Martin Denny.

0 Cross-Dressing Nick Noltes out of 5