YOGA HOSERS [2016]

After the disastrous box office results from Tusk, I don't know how Honorary Canadian director Kevin Smith miraculously made the second part of his True North horror trilogy.
Yoga Hosers follows teenage Canadian clerk BFFs, the Colleens, as they fend to save their convenience store from a horde of tiny Nazi Mounties made out of scrumptious sausage and sauerkraut.
While Tusk was disturbingly funny and disgusting, Yoga Hosers might be just as demented but it's really really dumb.  There might be some great chuckle-worthy Canadian in-jokes but everything is predictable, inane and quite frankly embarrassing.  Johnny Depp's Christophe Waltz-esque French-Canadian P.I.  and his ever-moving moles are the highlight of the film and that's not saying a whole lot anymore.  It's pretty awful but somehow I can't but help admiring Smith and his endless ambition to do whatever the hell he wants.

2 Pucky Charms out of 5

RUN ALL NIGHT [2015]

I think it's time to admit that I am fully enthusiastic about flashy hard-boiled thrillers about old guys (mainly Denzel Washington or Liam Neeson) who are usually ex-marines, ex-assassins or some guy who used to kill and need to find a way to redeem themselves before they too finally bite the bullet.
With that generic description you pretty much get the idea of director Jaume Collet-Serra's latest, the laughably titled Run All Night.  It starts out like a Google Maps app on speed but about an hour in I found myself pretty involved and intrigued with the mess that it was, before it winds down into a pretty formulaic and dull climax.  It met all my expectations and just sort of hovered on that notion for the duration of the film.

3 Fairytales in New York out of 5

BIG HERO 6 [2014]

Disney finally milks the inevitable cashcow of using their ownership of Marvel and developing an animated film, based on the little known mini-series Sunfire & Big Hero 6.
The Disney-ized version of Big Hero 6 is notably cuter and not really at all like it's source material but still follows it's basic idea and characters, excluding Silver Samurai (who mostly sort of appeared in 2013's The Wolverine instead).  The changes will probably tick-off hardcore fans of the comics but, really, it's for the better because there's almost next to nothing wrong with this wonderfully crafted film.  It's cleverly tight pacing, refreshingly unique backdrop and beautifully rendered animation all compliment the big ol' heart that will touch even the oldest of souls.

4 inevitable after-credits Marvel scenes out of 5

TUSK [2014]

Every now and then a film comes along and lingers with you for days, constantly bringing up that nagging question: "what the fuck?"
Kevin Smith's oddball horror Tusk is most definitely one of those films.
In what is destined to be a cult classic, the story follows an obnoxious podcaster who interviews a man that ends up surgically turning him into a human walrus.  It dives deep into the absurd but always manages to bring the characters to the surface for the stark realization that it's actually quite horrific as it is hilarious.  Michael Parks steals the show as the batshit crazy walrus lover, particularly when he's sharing a gut-wrenchingly funny scene with Johnny Depp that steers into David Lynch territory.
It's far from perfect but that's actually part of it's midnight movie appeal.

3 Clerks out of 5

HOURS [2013]

Paul Walker carries about 90% of writer/director Eric Heisserer's dramatic thriller Hours completely on his own.
...and he nearly succeeds.
Unfortunately he's dragged down by dull as doornails dialogue, a complete lack of tension or suspense and a flatlining plotline that ignores it's potential of an interesting premise and setting.  Walker might deliver his performance with the wooden finesse of a blond Keanu Reeves but there's a certain amount of likeability about him that I can't quite pinpoint so that's about all this film really had going for it.  Beyond that, this film felt like it went on for hours and hours and hours....

2 rescue dogs doing a bad job out of 5

IDENTITY THIEF [2013]

With the exception of a handful of films, actor Jason Bateman does mostly shit outside of Arrested Development. Bridesmaids Horrible Bosses director Seth Gordon's crime caper comedy Identity Thief falls under that "shit" category.
Normally with films like these I expect it to be predictable from beginning to end but count on it to provide some good throwaway laughs.  This film spurts a few minor chuckles and very little of anything else.  I really like Melissa McCarthy but even her schtick can't save this from being a complete bore.

1 throat punch out of 5

THE LAST STAND [2013]

Director Kim Ji-Wong makes his American debut with the ridiculously violent Arnold Schwarzenegger film, The Last Stand.
It plays like a formulaic American action film with cool cars, loud shootouts, gorgeous girls, groanworthy sight gags and bone-crunching fist fights.  However it also includes some creative camerawork, unusually well-timed action sequences and shots of subtle humour to please fans of the director's previous work.  More like a modern day Western, this is an Arnie film done right, now matter how aged ol' Leatherface has become.

3 Atlantean broad swords out of 5

MAN ON A LEDGE [2012]

Asger Leth's Man On A Ledge is filled with plotholes galore, shoddy editing, some ridiculous coincidences, groan worthy dialogue, aimless side-stories and paper-thin characters but for some reason it remains pretty damned entertaining.

The whole time I was thinking it could have heavily benefited if it was filmed with Tony Scott's flair for silly action sequences, like swooping crane & copter shots and snappy editing.  Go in expecting nothing more than dumb fun and come out satisfied with just that.

3 long ways down out of 5