Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

Gore and tits. That's all these movies amount to. And you know what? It's glorious. This period in film history exists as a snapshot in time and it will never be replicated again, so enjoy it while you can! There's no plot to speak of, but that's not the point. These movies were never attempting to be art. Basically, people who have sex die. Critics try to conflate it with moral values, but it was just a way to get asses in seats.

The producers sincerely attempted to make this the "final" chapter, but audiences said, "Fuck you, we want more!"

2½ weird Crispin Glover dances out of 5

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003)

I feel the throttle ought to have remained close to where it was at for the first movie, because upping the action to almost super-hero levels of ability makes the sequel feel like unintentional self-parody. If the scene that opens the farce (before the title appears) makes you cringe, then prepare for the worst, because things get even more moronic later on. The homages to other media feel forced, and the underlying worry of separation and outside commitments, which does actually play into the main plot, is as contrived as Justin Theroux's Irish accent. A pinch of decent subtext could've saved the story, but nothing other than residency on the cutting room floor could've stopped the action scenes from shitting over the potential for more light-hearted fun.

1½ whip tricks out of 5

Charlie's Angels (2000)

If the goal of the Charlie's Angels reboot was movie escapism on a superficial level, then it succeeded. The whole is heightened by the feeling that the "elite crime fighting trio" of Dylan, Alex and Natalie (Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu, and Cameron Diaz, respectively) are having a blast while making it. The story is pretty thin and the primary villains are forgettable, but for every weak link (e.g. Sam Rockwell, Tom Green) there's a stronger one doing its utmost to draw attention away from the faults. In the latter category there's Crispin Glover, great use of chart music, playful stereotypes, ridiculous disguises, and a dynamic approach that never misses an opportunity to make its leading ladies shine. And for fans of the original TV series, the voice of John Forsythe.

3 bird calls out of 5

River's Edge (1986)

Dir. Tim Hunter's controversial work is as powerful today as it was upon its original release. It follows a group of US kids, mostly of high school age, one of whom has murdered his girlfriend. The others learn of the killing, but their deep-seated apathy toward life means the crime goes unreported.
Thematically dark, for the most part, bordering on saturnine, the slow pace segues effortlessly from weird to quietly disturbing.
I've seen it likened to Richard Linklater's work, which is an understandable but not entirely helpful comparison. It made me think more of Marisa Silver's Permanent Record (1988), even though the two films deal with post-traumatic emotions very differently. Coincidentally, both feature Keanu Reeves.

4 grim triggers out of 5

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)

A group of friends past their prime and down on their luck attempt to rekindle memories of their youth at a ski resort they once frequented. One has to suspend disbelief when they discover their hot tub is a time machine. It's a blatant no-brains, have-a-blast type of comedy with plenty of raunchy humor and over-the-top performances. And despite a slow start, the film does a nice job of fitting in stories for each of the ensemble cast. Now in the 80s they act to change their pathetic destinies and find a way back to their own timeline. The only real eye sore is the absolutely terrible green screen effects.

3 one-armed Crispin Glovers out of 5

Beowulf (2007)

The Beowulf poem was penned in English but not any kind of English you’d recognise. This CGI version is in modern day language, except for the occasional respectful nod to the archaic. Leaving aside differences elsewhere, as a film it does a lot of things well: Grendel is brutally violent but also owns our sympathies; Beowulf himself is flawed and his role open to interpretation; and the fights are dramatic as hell, using the freedom of movement that a virtual environment allows.
The animation succeeds in being realistically lifelike (especially Jolie's face), so if that kind of thing pleases you then you should have no complaints.

3½ belching Thanes out of 5

9 [2009]

Producers Tim Burton & Timur Bekmambetov lend a hand in adapting director Shane Acker's award-winning animated short film 9 into a feature length production.

It follows the story of bizarre little ragdoll beings brought to life in a post-apocalyptic world run by terrifying machines, so as you can guess, the film is heavy on imagination and design.  However it falls completely flat on character development and boring voice acting, which doesn't leave a whole lot to care about by the time the third act comes around.  To be fair I was enjoying it quite a bit but found myself becoming restless and waiting for it to end by the one hour mark after the wow-factor from the unique imagination wore off.

3 missing eyes out of 5

WILD AT HEART [1990]

Director David Lynch makes his own twisted Wizard Of Oz vision in an adaptation of the first of Barry Gifford's Sailor & Lula pulp novel series, Wild At Heart.

A modern romance struggling to survive in a violent world, this road trip film introduces us to large number of bizarre, seedy characters I'd rather not know.  Nicolas Cage & Laura Dern are great in their roles but their white trash, one-track minds make it difficult to like them.  At times the trademark Lynch weirdness seems overly forced but occasionally works in his favor, making for a number of scenes doused in hilarious surrealism.  

3 snakeskin jackets that represents a symbol of individuality and beliefs in personal freedom out of 5

Willard (2003)

Crispin Glover is perfectly cast as the titular character in this remake that reminded me a little bit of Anthony Perkins in Psycho. This time around, the chief rat Ben is big and menacing and actually looks evil. It’s funny, I didn’t think much of this movie the first time I saw it, but now that I’ve seen the originals, I’ve gained a newfound appreciation for it. The score by Shirley Walker evokes an Elfman-like quality. Yes, it actually holds up better than the original.

3 mouse-and-cat chases out of 5