Kill Bill: The Whole Bloody Affair (2006)

Screened exactly twice in 2006 and 2011, this year finally marks the official wide release of the complete work, restoring it back to Tarantino's original unified vision, before it was insisted on being split into two volumes at the behest of Miramax's Harvey Weinstein. The result is a four-hour martial arts/exploitation/samurai epic (plus 15 minute intermission) with pacing that flows better as one cohesive whole, with some of the fat trimmed out of it.

Watching this 20 years after the fact in a packed theater makes it clear how well the material ages. Enormously entertaining and never boring, it's an homage to all the greats of the past, blending so many disparate styles in a pastiche of Americana, which doesn't take away from the artists it so liberally borrows from. As the ultimate revenge story (summed up in the title), it favors style over substance, but the mission is clear and the emotions are real: You're with The Bride every step of the way. It's not without its flaws, but there's no denying this is Cinema; there aren't many filmmakers left making epics of this caliber. To put it even more bluntly, this is just a cool fucking film with iconic visuals and a killer soundtrack. And Uma Thurman looks damn good doing it.

5 Deadly Vipers out of 5

Note: Exclusive to this 2025 print is a new chapter entitled "Yuki's Revenge," which was animated using the Unreal Engine, with Uma performing the voice acting and motion capture. Luckily, this is tacked on at the end of the credits and doesn't interrupt the flow of the film. You can view it in its entirety here.

Note 2: The original Nutshell reviews can be found here: Volume 1, Volume 2

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II (1989)

An annoying kid in a terrible fucking wig and an old, fat wizard come across a warrior (but not that warrior) and a queen (but not that queen) in their quest for three magical totems to unite the kingdom. Or something like that. No surprise whatsoever, but this has nothing to do with the first film. Since this is a family film, it doesn't even have the gratuitous nudity to fall back on, so you realize the limited appeal of bad acting and incomprehensible, nonsense character names. Honestly, if you're still tuning in at this point, that's completely on you.

1 tree upskirt shot out of 5

The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984)

David Carradine wanders the desert as Kwai Chang Caine Kain the Warrior, where he comes to the rescue of a topless sorceress (María Socas). And she remains disrobed for the rest of the runtime, which honestly accounts for my warm feelings towards this movie and at least two firm, perky reasons to tune in. It's a loose (shameless) retelling of Yojimbo in a magical, fantasy setting.

2½ anvil strikes out of 5

Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)

Texas Ranger J.J. McQuade (Chuck Norris) is as skilled in weaponry as he is in hand-to-hand ass-kicking (but he's not so proficient in housekeeping). The so-called 'lone wolf' gets partnered with a state trooper that he doesn't want (Robert Beltran) and together the duo track down an illegal arms trader.
It begins and ends like a Western, with music to match, but in-between there's a bevy of 80s action, with plenty of gun-play. The actual story isn't a shining example of the form, but it's fun seeing Norris take on David Carradine. There's also a love interest (Barbara Carrera); the relationship is rushed and weak but it gives each of the two men something else to fight for.

3 on duty beers out of 5

Kung Fu: The Movie (1986)

A belated continuation of the Kung Fu TV series (1972-75) set still in the American Old West, with Kwai Chang Caine (David Carradine) the wandering Shaolin monk. It was Brandon Lee's first credited role, which, given his father's contested place in the original show's genesis, may be considered slightly ironic or something of a balance being properly adjusted.
Set in 1865 the story involves murder, opium and a shady cover-up. The usual memory/flashbacks to Master Po (Keye Luke) are in place, but there's an additional mystical slant that might have been a step too far.
Viewers unfamiliar with the series may not care about any of it, whereas those of us that followed the original TV journey may be upset that it often fails to meet its progenitor's standards. It's merely okay, at best.

2½ golden illusions out of 5

Dune Warriors (1991)

In post-apocalyptic New California in the year 2040 AD a stereotypical villain in his de rigueur vehicle wants to rule the wasteland, but he's not in the film long enough to have any real impact. Nevertheless, the Dune Warriors will do their best to stop him and his small band of merry marauders.
David Carradine is the big name, the older, wiser hero, but he phones it in.
It's an odd fish. The film would've worked just as well (or probably even better) as a heroic fantasy flick, the swords are already present. The occasional Western elements and A-Team moments add little to the overall feeling that everything is a poor man's everything else, all of which is at the ass-end of the scale, especially those damn shacks.
Music is by The Score Warriors. I don't know which film they thought they were scoring, but it didn't seem to be this one.

1 hero exit out of 5

Martial Law (1990)

Realistically, the best you can hope for when watching a US made martial arts movie from the 80s or 90s is that it'll not completely suck ass. If you're really lucky it'll be an average time-waster that doesn't make you regret being born. Martial Law scrapes in at the lower end of that scale.
Two brothers, on opposite sides of the law from each other, fail to stir the emotions. Cynthia Rothrock helps the upstanding brother get his rocks off in the bedroom and bust some bad guy butt on the street, in that order. Her character is underused and underdeveloped.
David Carradine is the primary villain; he's like an older Kwai Chang Caine who's turned evil and developed an ego a foot taller than he is.

2 double shifts out of 5

Q: The Winged Serpent (1982)

As someone who dislikes cities, NY isn't a place I’d ever want to visit. In Larry Cohen’s NY there's a giant, flying creature from myth and legend literally picking up amateur actors and dropping body parts in its wake.
There’s also an open-minded cop; a weaselly, opportunist crook; and an Aztec death cult member getting happy with a ritual-killing knife; all of whom somehow have relevance to the randomness. It’s idiotic but it’s easy to get swept up in the nonsense, meaning it’s the good kind of idiotic. Even when there's not much happening the ominous music keeps the tension ticking.
Michael Moriarty gives his all to a B-Movie that thankfully didn't end up lost and forgotten, which is a fate that many cheap monster movies suffer.

3 crunchy, bite-sized heads out of 5

DEATH RACE [2008]

Paul W.S. Anderson serves up a ladle of vehicular carnage crap with a prequel to the Roger Corman cult classic Death Race 2000.
Taking itself way too seriously and void of any sort of campy wit, Anderson's flick seems to completely miss what made the original film such a great guilty pleasure.  Instead it's nothing more than a headache inducing bore that resorts to uninspired juvenile video-game violence and characters so dull it makes Bayformers seem appetizing.

1 tombstone out of 5

Death Race 2000 (1975)

DR2000 is the Wacky Races in a fascist, dystopian society for adults, with added tits, violence, murder and a liberal dollop of very black humour, all of which put it categorically in the bad-but-good aisle of your local flea-infested second-hand video store.
It’s a no holds barred cross country car race in which points are scored for hitting pedestrians; children and the elderly are worth more. If it wasn't so colourful and satirically entertaining it’d probably be offensive.

3 bloody chalk lines out of 5

Kill Bill: Volume 2 (2004)

The Bride, armed with her Hattori Hanzô sword, continues to pursue Bill so she can do what the title says she wants to do. Yawn.
Volume 1 (2003) was mostly about action, whereas Volume 2 is mostly about talking. Neither film offers a satisfying viewing experience.
I believe a filmmaker's desire to express his/herself in a creative way should be fulfilled as much as possible, but their first duty should always be to the story. QT delivered self-indulgent wankery for both of those things. I prefer a well-written dialogue scene to an explosive action scene, so this one should've been more engaging for me, but there's only about ten minutes in total when I wasn't bored out of my mind.

2 lonely sides out of 5

Kill Bill: Volume 1 (2003)

QT's first misstep is 100% style over substance. It's the film equivalent of a kid in a Lego store who builds a structure that threatens to collapse under the weight of its own aspirations because it has no real foundation. It's the director saying: I like Chanbara, Westerns, Blaxploitation, Wuxia, and Uma's feet, so I'm going to put them all together. Aren't I the coolest?
I didn't much like the film but I'm glad QT is in the business. His framing is nearly always perfect and his passion for his craft is plain to see.
If the two films ever get re-edited and commercially released as the rumoured Whole Bloody Affair then I'll happily reassess the work, but it'll need to be a complete pacing re-edit and not just a lazy-ass joining.

2½ splatters of blood in snow out of 5

CRANK: HIGH VOLTAGE [2009]

The Stath returns with Amy Smart, Dwight Yoakam & others, for more frantic absurdity in Crank: High Voltage.

As silly and mindless as the first one is, this film pushes the boundaries even further and doesn't even try to use it's brain, which makes it even more a of good, sleazy & violent time.  Littered with cameos from Bai Ling, David Carradine, Corey Haim, a gaggle of porns stars and members of Nine Inch Nails, TOOL, Linkin Park and The Spice Girls. Crank 2 is the definition of quality schlock that goes out of it's way to make the sensible person loathe it. 

3½ strawberry tarts out of 5

Archie's Final Project (2009)

AKA: My Suicide

For his high school class project, Archie decides to kill himself on camera, sparking debate and controversy among campus, parents and all so-called professionals involved. The film itself is treated as found footage, and it's full of jumbled thoughts, distorted feelings and raw emotion, as well as the regurgitated movies and media images that make up the conglomerate of a feverish teenage mind. It's the kind of movie I could have made. I can see people discarding it as emo bullshit, but to me it rings of authentic truth.

This also appears to be one of David Carradine's final projects.

4 viewing life like a movie out of 5