Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II (1989)

An annoying kid in a terrible fucking wig and an old, fat wizard come across a warrior (but not that warrior) and a queen (but not that queen) in their quest for three magical totems to unite the kingdom. Or something like that. No surprise whatsoever, but this has nothing to do with the first film. Since this is a family film, it doesn't even have the gratuitous nudity to fall back on, so you realize the limited appeal of bad acting and incomprehensible, nonsense character names. Honestly, if you're still tuning in at this point, that's completely on you.

1 tree upskirt shot out of 5

Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back (1989)

This sequel in name only stars Lana Clarkson as a completely new character that has nothing to do with the first movie, other than featuring a lot of rape and another topless scene on a torturer's rack. In fact, this one seems to have more in common with Robin Hood as they attempt to overthrow the crown. After awhile, I always seem to lose the plot somewhere along the way...

1 gratuitous mud wrestling out of 5

Barbarian Queen (1985)

After their village is destroyed, a tribe of warrior women set out for revenge.

Once Red Sonja came out, it inspired its own legion of knock-offs of kick-ass women slaughtering men (more or less in a state of undress). As someone who finds enjoyment even in the bad, you have to take it for what it is. Cheapy '80s trash (which I hesitate to write off completely) with its spirit in the right place.

2 rape reversals out of 5

Deathstalker (1983)

AKA: El cazador de la muerte

Look at that poster. Doesn't it make your cock hard? What happened to this lost style of fantasy art? It suggests a much better time than you're going to get, but it's so much fun to stare at and allow your imagination to wander...

Anyway, onto the movie. It's a bit of a disappointment based on these raised expectations. But if you're looking for a B-grade sword and sorcery epic, you get it in spades, with cheesy practical monster effects and copious amounts of nubile female flesh to put a little pep in your step. It's glorious. What I enjoy about Deathstalker is that he's an asshole and an antihero. I like rooting for inherently flawed characters. It's not quite Conan the Barbarian, but it's about as good a rip-off as you're going to get. I just want to live in this era again...

Am I giving this film a lot more credit than it deserves? Fuck yeah, I am.

3 decapitations out of 5