Heart Eyes (2025)

Valentine's Day is no stranger to slashers, whether it's My Bloody Valentine (1981) or Valentine (2001) or the My Bloody Valentine remake...and, um...well, that's about it. After a meet cute gone wrong, a woman and a man are chased by a masked killer inspired by the popular emoji whose M.O. involves targeting couples for some reason. It's a mishmash of horror and romantic comedy, but doesn't quite succeed at either. There's not really much more to it, so this nut will be as low effort as the film.

2 metal straws out of 5

Black Friday (2021)

Two words: Bruce Campbell. What should have been a slam dunk ends up being a rather forgettable horror-comedy romp about rage-filled Black Friday shoppers infected by a contagious parasitic alien virus invading a department toy store (that old chestnut). If they hadn't leaned so far into the supernatural angle (real life shoppers are scary enough!), this could have been a bloody fun survival flick more in line with Dawn of the Dead. It's only partially successful, but since there aren't many other Black Friday-themed movies to flood the market, this one stands on its own as a B-movie cheeseball classic (of sorts).

2½ Dour Dennises out of 5

Final Destination (2000)

Teen-movies have almost no value as films once you're out of your teens. Teen horror is the same. Screaming blondes that can only count to 5 because that’s how many fingers they have on one hand, or more likely how many dicks they sucked the night before in the barn, scream as they run and scream as they die! Final Destination is different; it’s a teen movie that kills off the irritating teens in happy joy-joy ways with almost no screaming. That's really its only appeal. The acting is bad. The editing is bad. The script is bad. The direction is bad. Even Tony Todd embarrassed himself.

1 hurry up and die in a ludicrous way or I'm hitting the stop button out of 5